fly away.

fly away, little butterflies of thought, fly away
upon the lilting breeze which holds you, floating
fly away, little butterlies.

fly away, gray moths of thought, fly away.
late at night feeling dark, breathing cigarette smoke,
fly away, dreary moths.

whirling, feeling frantic
i'm drawn to the light, for i find it so curious & strange
burning so brightly, feeling delirious
when i reach out, it moves away.
fly away, little butterflies of thought.
eaten alive by moths.
slowly the cloud of color disintegrates
disappearing with those pesky moths.

summertime, ironically, has become quite lachrymose.
dripping melancholy chords, my heartstrings are feeling forlorn.
where to go, they wonder. which note to play, they query.
what to do, they beseech.
fly away.

morning glories are contrary to stars.
stars only shine in the dark of the night.
glories stretch & yawn before the light of day.
fly away.

je suis fatigué. je dormirai. bonne nuit.

mountain dew, the official soft drink of trees fornicating.

i watched the show "ugly americans" tonight for the first time. it's very good, & i really like it. :) i'll have to keep tuning in for that one. definitely.
also, i saw the new iphone & i'm very interested. i think it's better looking. hopefully they do get it for verizon & i can get one. if not, i'll just use my upgrade to get a droid instead. close enough.
i actually paid $13 for a CD today! at starbucks! how sad. but i walked in & then i noticed Peggy Lee sitting there staring me down & i had to do it. starbucks had Peggy Lee! so i bought it. :) i love her.
i went to starbucks because i was on kind of a date. he was very, very nice. older than i thought, & he has a 4-year-old son, but he was very nice. & i don't really mind the age or the son. ;) you know me.. anyway, we had no trouble at all talking, & ended up talking for like 3 hours i think.. we were sitting outside & i got a sunburn on my nose & cheeks, along with a v-neck triangle of my chest. :P oh yeah, & my jeans have a big hole over the left knee, so i have a funny burn there too. ;)
i've decided to read the iliad & the odyssey. i feel like everyone else has read the latter, but i skipped around so much during school i didn't have the same curriculum as any of them. that's not why i want to read it; i've been really excited about mythology recently. i have that edith hamilton book to read still, & i haven't made it very far. it's been difficult to read for a long time. hopefully i'll make time for it when i live alone. hopefully i'll make time for lots of things i've given up when i live alone.
i've learned that the heavens & the seas were the original parents, the Titans were their children, & the gods & goddesses were the grandchildren. that's basically the first page. :P also, i learned a little about calypso & callisto tonight.
Calypso was a sea goddess, also known as Atlantis, daughter of the Titans Atlas & Tethys. during the war of the titans, Calypso supported her parents & the Titans, so she was kind of banished to the island Ogygia, which was possibly somewhere in the atlantic ocean. she's famous for trapping Odysseus on the island with her for like 7 years. finally, Athena complained & then they made her let him go.
Callisto was a nymph, daughter of the king of Arcadia, & one of Artemis's young nymph followers, so she took a vow to remain virgin. buuuuut, Zeus seduced her with shapeshifting treachery & then she was pregnant. when Artemis found out, she was ostracized from the group, & Hera was so pissed she turned Callisto into a bear, & then Callisto had a son, Arcas. supposedly, like 16 years later, Callisto the bear wandered into the woods & was almost killed by her son Arcas, so to avoid the tragedy, Zeus sent them up into the sky to be the constellations Ursa Major & Ursa Minor (big bear & little bear; the big & little dippers). then, basically, Hera was so mad at him for sabotaging her attempts, she appealed to the Titan Ocean(us), son of Uranus & Gaia, asking him never to let the two bears touch his waters, which explains their circumpolar positions.
all this information is from the book "mythology" by edith hamilton, or from hours of getting lost in wikipedia.

:)

'twas brillig, & the slithy toves did gyre & gimble in the wabe..

all mimsy were the borogoves, & the mome raths outgrabe.

i bought alice today at wal*mart. :) now normally i don't shop there, but we just ended up in there & i saw it & couldn't resist. wal*mart has alice for 4 cents cheaper than everyone else, you know. lol also i just realized that there isn't any cent symbol on the keyboard. how upsetting. is the cent sign totally insignificant now? upsetting..

i'm late, i'm late, for a very important date! no time to say "hello", "goodbye", i'm late, i'm late, i'm late!

thought i'd something more to say, but it escapes me..

westboro baptist church.

i'll pray for you.
these poor sheep have been led astray. & i pity them.

much of a muchness.

i'm not quite sure how to use the phrase yet. it's supposed to mean "very much the same". so maybe... i have much of a muchness to myself? as myself? perhaps i AM much of a muchness as myself? to myself? *sigh* oh well. we'll see.
torporific is a new word i learned. "torporific" and "lethargic" are much of a muchness. it means.. disinterested, or apathetic. i like it.
if a 34-year-old man with an adorable toddler daughter is hitting on me, does that mean i'm just really cute & nice & he likes me? or does that mean he can't get anyone his own age? is there an age cutoff? are there rules about this? then again.. i feel torporific about rules. especially societal rules. in fact, i almost feel rather adversarial toward rules. particularly societal ones. so i'm not really sure what to think anymore..
age ain't nothin' but a number, right?
can i get a concurrence up in hurr?

jam yesterday & jam tomorrow, but never jam today.

it's an idea from alice in wonderland. basically the quote is just a philosophical examination of G.E. Moore's principle of organic unity, which wonders whether the sum of the values of the parts of a whole equal the value of the whole itself.
when looking backward or forward, experiences are generally described as good. if you ask me if i like my job, i say yes. because as a whole, in the past & in the future, it's a pretty good gig. but if you ask me how work was at the end of the day, i'll almost always say it sucked. so, the parts of the whole (every day of work) may suck, which would make it logical to assume that the whole (work in general) would suck as well, since all of the parts suck. but somehow, we end up looking to the future & to the past as inherently good things, whether or not each piece of them was or will be good or not.
so.. essentially, you had jam on your toast yesterday, & you'll have it tomorrow, but you'll never have it today. :)

dysphoric = dissatisfied.

i like that word. it's new. dysphoric, dysphoric, dysphoric. i like the way it sounds. kinda dark, somehow.. anyway, i have decided to build my vocabulary. there's some free 5000-word SAT vocabulary list or something i found. i'm going to base it from that i suppose. maybe like.. 10 words a week? maybe that's a lot.. we'll see. i think 10 a week sounds good. just like in school. ;)

ah, look at all the lonely people.. (questions.)

i'm infuriated about these viruses. & spyware. & malware. & whatever the hell. infections.
what is the point of them?
who profits? how can someone benefit from infecting my poor little pitiful computer with a virus that's going to attack windows & make it eat itself?
how come they do this to me?
why should i have spyware? who wants to spy on me?
is my identity being stolen?
do they know all my passwords & my important information?
if they do, can they really get into all my accounts?
can they break into my modcloth & target wishlists, my email, bank account, credit card info, turbotax?
why would they want mine?
are they monitoring me? am i being targeted? am i being stalked?
who is making money off of this?
how can anyone possibly be making money off of this?
who would pay them to attack my vulnerable little PC?
is this like a warning sign of an assassination attempt coming?
whoa, girl, calm down.


i'm very confused. *sigh* & i'm a little lonely myself.. i should've bought alice today like i was going to. i don't want to spend 20 bucks on it, but i'm afraid if i wait for it to go on sale, i might miss it. it's a disney re-release or whatever, so i feel like that means they might lock it back in "the disney vault" for a long time again. so i should probably just do it. & if i were to spend 20 bucks on anyone, i suppose it'd be alice.

existential crisis.

equals all the wondering i've been doing. i'm just going to focus on living, then moving, then living some more, all the while working & sleeping & being & breathing & living. soon i will live alone. soon i will see my other half. soon i will learn all the things i want to learn. community college is just as good, right? photography, philosophy, psychology, sociology, french, spanish, italian, sign language, religions, mythology, poetry, painting, design... i'm just so interested. so curious. i think my mythology book and the philosophy of alice in wonderland are what i need to read right now. i'll make time. ;)

BE PROACTIVE!

• i probly wouldn't be this way, i probly wouldn't hurt so bad, i never pictured every minute without you in it, oh you left so fast. sometimes i see you standin there, sometimes it's like i'm losin touch, sometimes i feel like i'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much. god give me a moment's grace, 'cause if i'd never seen your face, "i probly wouldn't be this way".. - leann rimes
• if i could have it my way, i'd go back to where you are. ("little rock" - lee ann womack)
• "but i do love you" - leann rimes
• "piece of my heart" - faith hill
• every time i run you're the one i run to. ("the right kind of wrong" - leann rimes)
• "men & mascara" always run. - julie roberts
• & lord it ain't easy out here in the dark, to keep us together so far apart.. if my heart had wings, i would fly to you & lie beside you as you dream, "if my heart had wings" - faith hill
• "like we never loved at all" - faith hill & tim mcgraw

among others.

new glasses, dyed hair, signed apartment lease, passed interview!

exciting stuff. so anyway, on another subject.. i was reading some of my poetry the other day cuz i was pretty bored.. apparently i'm way better than i remember being. i really liked some of it. i feel like some is a bit extravagant language-wise but.. i'm not too bad at all. i especially like this one. so i figured i'd share. i mean.. it's my blog after all. i'll post whatever the hell i want! so. now presenting...


"the hummingbird."
much like the hummingbird, my dear

zipping off to here or there

& i don't know if i should stop

& land for then i might have to

think of what i've done & do

to you & us & me & they

& if i do i'll end up gray

perhaps in blue i meant to say.

i rush from place to spot & back again

for time i've lost & when

i land my stop is brief to be sure

hurting isn't what i seek

from me or us or you or they

& surely i'll hold them at bay

if only i will not slow down

& keep you coming round for me.

a mile a minute for all the hours

in the day but when i sleep or dream

a million fright'ning dreams & toss & turn

& cannot speak

& so i flutter by again & touch the petals of the daisy

oh how i'd be your shining sun

if not the clouds so hazy.

so dream a little dream of me

think not of what's become of me

for you'll be tortured by the thoughts

of my own destructivity.

i dunno it just caught my attention.. among everything else i've written, with all the intense language & subject matter, somehow the simplicity of this one makes it my new favorite. i really like the meter, & i just.. i dunno, i just love it. so.

so apparently "destructivity" isn't a word. i assume this because google is underlining it in red. eh.. that's poetry right? & anyway, i'm supposed to go hang out with my friend. but it's kind of a trek, & i have been working all day, been up since 6 this morning, which is very very early for me now, & my uterus hurts (or whatever it is. quinn & i have already had this conversation...) so i really am just quite torn about it. i really really really need to learn to drive because oh. my. gosh. i can't do this anymore. just thinking about having to walk the like 25 minutes home to my apartment after having worked all day til 11:00 at night does NOT sound like it's gonna be very enjoyable. but at this point i'm not so sure i really have any options.. does the bus run that late? i don't think it does.. the last i believe is at like 10:45 or something. :( this is very upsetting. don't stand, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me.. so guess what? i also use the ellipsis & the 2-dot-ellipsis thingie (is there a term for that?) really a lot. just an observation. all right, apparently i have nothing to say.. you can just have that poem instead of my thoughts. i don't really seem to know what i think right now.. i'm kind of sad. & i miss my boy. & i guess that's it.

the sun will always shine. (unless it explodes or something & causes the "day after tomorrow" effect.)

i CAN do my job.

*sigh* i was going to post something.. i have so much to say.. but i'm exhausted. in every way possible. so.. i'm going to bed instead.. interview tomorrow. wish me luck. goodnight..