fashion commentary.

well i got me a ticket & it won't be long..

PUT YOUR iPOD ON SHUFFLE AND PRESS FW FOR EACH QUESTION. USE THE SONG NAME TO ANSWER THE QUESTION....

How am I feeling today? 
"then he kissed me" shirelles
Will I get far in life? 
"the post war dream" pink floyd
How do my friends see me? 
"what do you do?" papa roach
Where will I get Married? 
"Suite for Solo Cello No. 1 in G Major, BWV 1007: VI. Gigue" yoyo ma
What is my best friend's theme song? 
"i wake up crying" del shannon
What is the story of my life? 
"nobody likes me again" the fratellis
What is/was highschool like? 
"misery business" paramore
How can I get ahead in life? 
"FMLYHM" seether
What is the best thing about me? 
"make up your mind" orgy
How is today going to be? 
"a track & a train" shout out louds
What is in store for this weekend? 
"lesson 15: coup de fil a l'agence" berlitz french in 30 days

What song describes my parents? 
"pale shelter" tears for fears
To describe my grandparents? 
"sin for a sin" miranda lambert
How is my life going? 
"shut up & let me go" the ting tings
What song will they play at my funeral? 
"skin" alexz johnson
How does the world see me? 
"let you down" three days grace
Will I have a happy life?
"little boxes" engelbert humperdinck
What do my friends really think of me? 
"wait & bleed" slipknot
Do people secretly lust after me? 
"breathe" michelle branch
How can I make myself happy? 
"traffic light" the ting tings
What should I do with my life? 
"see the sun (alternate version)" the kooks

Will I ever have children? 
"on the run" pink floyd
What is some good advice for me? 
"all over town" the kooks
How will I be remembered? 
"jugband blues" pink floyd
What is my signature dancing song? 
"supergenius" quicksand
What do I think my current theme song is? 
"astronomy domine" pink floyd
What does everyone else think my current theme song is? 
"americana" the offspring
What type of men/women do you like? 
"what about georgia?" miranda lambert

just one step closer to perfection.

there has always been a military. as long as there have been people, there has been conflict. so.. it seems naive for me to believe that peace is possible, & to expect & see the potential for good in people.. but i've decided that perhaps i am just a mutation. a product of evolution, which is perhaps finally beginning to become a whole & quality place & society, ever reaching perfection. ;) i have decided that perhaps i am just a mutation, & therefore one step closer to perfection than all of you! :P HA!

perhaps it stems from a lack of control..

i only want to change the world; make it better. is that so much? how much of myself will i be required to silence just to "succeed" amongst the rotten masses of humanity? the world in its present state sickens me. i feel a strange mixture of pity, hatred, disgust, & hopelessness. i hate this life.

WELL!

so. it's been a while. & you have not been caught up. here goes it:

• sean's still in the ol' A-Z. i miss him dearly. we may in fact be soul-mates. of the romantic sort.
• i have moved to the floral department, of which i am now the manager. the jury's still out on my feelings about it.
• i know like 4 line dances, because i've been going out to rhythms with mom & her peeps.
• i've been paying all my bills in full & on time, which is exciting. no credit cards or the debt which inevitably comes with them.
• i still haven't unpacked or gone through all my boxes. or taken out the recycling.. = /
• i like to collage. apparently it's like pretty uncool, but what should i care?
• speaking of caring, i have to an extent become an existentialist. or perhaps a nihilist. jury's still out on that too. it happens.
• sister wives is the best show ever. well.. it's right under 70s show, which is, by definition "the best show ever."
• i need to go to college. this statement has become the most frequent item on all of my to-do lists, of which there are an innumerable number.
• i've lost more weight, which by default means i have also lost quite a lot of T&A. this quite depresses me. i have realized, however, that the problems i thought i had with my weight truly stem from a negative self-image which has nothing whatsoever to do with weight. i do still often consider food an enemy. or at least a great inconvenience.
• i'm eating lasagna. :)

arizona rain.

          to
          see
          hard
        big drops
   come down fast
 probably won't last
     long. i would like
       arizona rain.

so i have cable & internet..sorta.

i do have them, but my computer sucks so bad that i can't get the internet on it. now i'm at the house with steph & alex. we were watching harry potter but now it's over.. :( but thank goodness the 7th part one is coming in november. yay for kristi's birthday! i told sean he has to take me & he's not allowed to be mean or say anything during it cuz he has this tendency to make me not like movies i love. jerk. anyway.. i had to cancel my delia's order so now i get to buy a dress from modcloth! woo!

today is stephanie's birthday. :)

exciting! we just saw that movie "despicable me" with steve carrell, who i was originally worried about because i'm not really a fan, but it was def a funny movie. i miss those silly ones. it was by the shrek people. i wish sean had been there, because i grabbed alex at one point & she just told me i was dumb, but sean would have hugged me or laughed at me or something. but he would've been nice at least & still loved me even though i was worried about the futures or lack thereof of these cartoon characters who were possibly falling to their deaths. & even though i kinda almost cried when the movie turned out exactly how everyone already knew it was going to. i'm becoming a sissy la-la in my old age. anyway..
sean's coming next month! august 21-31, which will be lovely. 10 days of love, &.. love. OH! i drew some tattoos last night. a cute little question mark on my hand, which i've been seriously considering.. i feel like it will always remind me to ask questions. & when i wonder which way to go, it will remind me to ask myself, not anybody else. i like the idea. also, i drew myself a little peace, love, & music which was pretty cute, but i dunno how badly i really want it. maybe down the back of my neck? that'd be cute. ha, jerrie just said silly goose-muffin.
so quinn wrote this rap the other day about the bookkeeper blues; it was hilarious. he posted it on his blog too, which i now follow. also i got a new ringtone because i heard some guy's at customer service the other day.  it's bomb. the intro of "sweet child o mine". lovely. it's my ringback too. stephanie got a phone today, so that's cool. she's like freakin out excited about it. i told sean to text her happy birthday, & i made her picture ID one mom sent me of her face when she found out she was getting a phone. ;)
now i hafta figure out what i'm gonna get her.. :/ anyway, that's all for now. :) love you!

vacation, all i ever wanted; vacation, had to get away!

so i did. & now i'm coming back tomorrow. :( but at least i get to see seany :) i like it. so anyway, i had a great time. camping is iffy, but somehow camping with dad & everybody is better. i'm not immensely excited about coming back to work, but.. oh! i learned new words too! i remember that haptic means tactile, proliferate means to increase or spread at a rapid rate, heliolatry means worship of the sun, hegira means a journey to a more desirable place & i think that's all i remember. besides cakewalk, which i already knew meant something easy or certain. so. that's how it is. now i'ma go finish some vaca before my return. :)

oh my goodness.

i super hate not having internet. it's killing me. lol & no cable either. or seating. sheesh. anyway, i'm moved in & i guess all is well & i'm tired of talking about myself so i'll leave it at that for now. :)

so i'm moved in!

new apartment all by myself & it's lovely. i'm kind of upset though.. i mean i love andrew to death, you know, but like.. i just got this apartment & it's all mine & i've had it for like 2 days & now somebody else is coming into it & it won't be all mine anymore. i dunno it's just kinda sucky. but i mean, seriously, he's like my best friend & he didn't have anywhere else to go! what was i supposed to do? & anyway i guess it's a little lonely there but.. once i get everything set up & all the furniture in there & stuff, i think i'll feel very comfortable all by myself. it's pretty sweet. i mean it's a bomb space. & once it's full of stuff.. awesome. anyway.. i do wish i had internet. & cable. that's why i didn't post yesterday.. so then after andrew leaves in like august, i'll be by myself for a little bit, but then sean will be back. & bill's worried that when sean comes back, our friendship will end because sean's so insecure & jealous & doesn't trust me OR bill. despite what he says. i know how it is. anyway, i gotta go to jerrie's concert, so maybe i'll get to post later. i only have internet now because i came over to do laundry, since i don't have my washer & dryer yet. also to download some stuff. so. maybe later. :)

i'm moving into my apartment tomorrow!

it's very exciting. i'm still worried, ya know, but i worked out a very rough budget tonight & i think i'm gonna be okay. now i still don't know who i'm gonna get for cable & internet, but i'm leaning toward comcast. i guess we'll see. there's still so much stuff i need... *sigh* anyway, it's still exciting. so tomorrow i hafta move all my shit, & then set up what i can, & then pick up my mattress & set that up & then get all my shit outta bill's truck & set THAT all up.. make sure i have lighting in there.. anyway, i'm tired & distracted so goodnight.

i had a horrible recurring nightmare last night.

& i woke up very frightened & worried & i was out of it & destroyed & spooked all day long. i don't remember all of it, but.. i know i've had it before. & i checked out dreammoods & read about it some too.. it makes sense. but as i told the boy, i do enjoy my horoscopes & such so maybe i'm just creating my own worries.. my interpretation may be skewed.. anyway...
so i remember being on some kind of train or something, on the way to the airport, with some scary man who had kidnapped me. he was making me go somewhere with him. i don't know where or why or even who he was, just that i kept trying to lose him & i kept failing miserably. i tried to escape on the train, & he just found me. & all i remember is this horrible feeling i had. like.. i felt trapped &.. i can't even describe it. i felt like a living, breathing anxiety attack. anyway.. so i remember the train stopping & us getting off, & obviously he couldn't like be super obvious about having kidnapped me, so he couldn't like me dragging me or anything...
anyway so once we get off the train i start BOOKing it up this steep fucking hill, to the airport, trying to get away from this motherfucker, & he's just hauling ass after me & i can't seem to get away. it's like every second i look back & he's closer & closer & i can't go any faster but i feel like i should be able to but i can't & i just have all this damn luggage on me & it won't let me move quicker & i'm out of breath & dying & i just need to get away!!! anyway so he kinda half-caught me a couple times, but somehow i managed to get into the airport like a second or two ahead of him & i'm like bawling with wide eyes & i'm like a bunny dying of fright & nobody notices me at all, they just keep going about their airport business like nothing's happening, like this horrible man isn't chasing me & trying to steal me away somewhere & so then i think i tried to get to the desk to tell the people but he caught me or something & made me sit down just with that horrible scary look. so then i do of course, shaking from scaredness & he goes to talk to some guy about checking our bags. so i'm like, well maybe if i don't check them then i can sneak on another plane or something, i dunno, i just feel like letting them check my bags will totally be the end of all hope i have of escaping. so i'm very fucking protective of my shit. so anyway, the baggage guy comes over & mentions checking them & tries to take them from me & i'm like no, please, you have to help me, that man has kidnapped me & he's trying to take me somewhere & i just don't wanna check my bags, i'll just carry them on, & all this stuff i tell him, & he pretty much took it in nonchalantly & like oh, really? & blah, blah & i'm pretty sure then he was like hitting on me & then the kidnapper man finally came over & all it took was one look & then the baggage guy like ditched out fierce & then kidnapper man like grabbed my arm or something like really hard & this is when i started to wake up ish & be in & out of sleep & trying to get away & i just remember the whole dream all i kept trying to do was get away from him & for some reason i could not leave my stuff so i had to carry it with me. anyway i know there was more, but that's all i can remember right now..
so. i went on dream moods & looked up lotsa stuff. & what i have found is:
being chased (as well as running) says that i'm trying to avoid an issue. likely the fact that i didn't know who was chasing me signifies that what i'm avoiding is an aspect (or aspects) of myself. the inability to make my feet move fast enough represents low self-esteem & self-confidence. since the man is always gaining on me & i can't seem to escape, it is suggested that my problem is not going to go away; this being further illustrated in the fact that this has been a recurring nightmare, which means my subconscious is trying REALLY hard to get me to notice this problem. the kidnapping suggests that i'm feeling trapped or restricted, as if someone or something is diverting my attention from my goals or keeping me from moving forward; this is further illustrated in the literal luggage that i'm carrying with me. i am figuratively carrying around a lot of "baggage" which i am unable to or refuse to let go of. it continuously weighs me down & keeps me from moving forward, particularly at the right speed, but still i hang onto it. a busy airport is representative of a new chapter of life, in a way. it indicates a desire for freedom, ambition, & hope. the fact that i'm scared & reluctant to leave says to me that i don't feel ready to take the flight, & the kidnapping tells me that the change is so necessary that i'm finally just being forced into it by circumstances, since i'm so unwilling to do it on my own.
after summarizing in my head, i feel that my anger & fear may have been misplaced. i'm holding mySELF back, not the scary man. in fact, in a way he's urging me forward. i'm ready to start a new chapter in my life, but i can't seem to take the first step. all of my worry & stress & "baggage" is holding me back, as is my low self-esteem & lack of self-confidence. along with repressed emotions which need to see the light. also, i know i'm not living up to my potential, & i do not like that feeling. it's causing anxiety & depression all its own, on top of the already visible.. *sigh* i'm too tired to analyze this further. i'm going to try to sleep withOUT having terrible dreams. bonne nuit.

god damn motherfucking visa motherfuckers.

those fucking assholes fucking kept giving me these god damn insufficient funds messages instead of just fucking letting me buy my god damn motherfucking plane ticket. there was enough fucking money on that motherfucking card the whole fucking time. so then these fucking motherfuckers don't even have like any way to get a hold of them, so i couldn't fucking fix it, so it just kept not fucking working & i didn't know what to do. now finally bill fucking told me how to get a hold of them, so i tried to call them fucking tonight, & they were closed. now my god damn fucking plane ticket went up in price. & since these motherfucking cards aren't fucking reloadable, i have to buy another fucking $380 fucking plastic god damn card! & pay another god damn fee! so now i have a completely fucking useless $340 fucking visa, which i paid a useless fee for, & i have to buy a whole other one since the plane ticket went up. are you motherfucking kidding me?!? fuck these asshole fucking rat bastards. the way i see it, they owe me a god damn plane ticket.

i burn, i pine, i perish!

i'm thinking about designing my living room like this blog. i could just paint half green & half blue & then add in grass strokes & maybe dandelions.. i want this sofa, likely in brown, & maybe some yellow curtains.. possibly brown writing bordering the bottoms of the walls. we'll see. this is just an idea. so likely i'll end up doing absolutely nothing & having a plain, boring, white apartment forever. :(
i was just checking out the art insitutes & i'm very interested, but they're so expensive.. i feel like i don't have time or money or motivation.. except all the time i'm bitching about what i'm doing now. so i'm like.. well, if you're not gonna do anything about it, then shut the fuck up. so. i dunno..
i'm hungry & i really want some multigrain cheerios, which by the way are fucking bomb. you should try them if you haven't already. they're damn perfect. with silk light vanilla soymilk, oh my goodness. delicious. i ate them this morning [yes--i actually ate breakfast!] to prepare for my stupid training thing at division. at least bill drove me [thank you!] so i didn't have to walk.
oh! also, i bought my bike today & it's really cute. it's purple! i rode it a lot with the girls after i brought it home, & oh my god my fuckin pelvic bones are sore. lol damn seat.. i'm gonna have to do something about that shit. i bought a basket for it too! bill said we'll make our adjustments on saturday, which is my only real day off this week. although today pretty much counted also. two more closes & then i get to chill for a day.
dad's all on my back about buying the ticket for june.. i'm just so stressed out, ya know? god damn, i'm working all the fucking time & i'm moving into the apartment in 2 weeks & andrew's moving in sooner than i thought & it's just gonna be really hard.. i don't know if i'm prepared.. i can't budget things! what am i gonna do? obviously i'm not very good at saving.. i HAD money saved, & then i bought shoes & a dress & a trip to arizona & a new bike & now a vacation to california & a new mattress & there's just so much fucking STUFF i have to buy to be fully ready & settled & i'm just afraid it's not gonna happen & i'm gonna be totally fucked. like furniture is really god damn expensive. at least don's giving me a tv, & i'll have the mattress to sleep on.. i have some kitchen stuff, & actually my kitchen from target is only gonna be about $250 or so i think, which isn't horrible. except i have to remember to save for rent, which will be the difficult part. i dunno how to save money. i'm better now, like i said, but just because i have no bank account & because i don't have to worry about it now.. i'm just so worried.
anyway, this computer is really hot & i want some cheerios & i'm tired of talking about this. & worrying about it. & stressing the fuck out. so jesus christ, i'm getting off.
also, this would be easier if sean were here, but he isn't & it fucking sucks.

i'm having an existential, early-twenty-something identity crisis.

& it's bad.

i was just trying to reply to a comment on facebook..

& then i ended up rambling on about all of this.. then i sent a message to my friend instead of the comment.. then i figured i should post it on here since obviously i have a lot on my mind.. anyway.....
my tastes have changed so much.. right now i'm into anna nalick, moby, madeleine peyroux, ingrid michaelson, pink floyd, charlotte sometimes, the beatles, kings of leon, tegan & sara, the kooks, & the hush sound. lol at least that's what i found it important to download after i accidentally deleted all my former music. lol a lot of it reminds me of sean, so that's why.. i've been listening to much chiller stuff lately.. lol if you had asked me like.. before sean, & even a little during, i would've said my favorite band was seether, & i was really still into like the angry, angsty, lovely metal & alt-rock & the like, but then especially after he left, everything about me slowed & toned down.. omg the other day, one of my customers told me, "every time i see you now, you just look more & more conservative" & it was like the most hurtful thing i'd ever heard. i almost took offense. how sad, right? lol it made me realize though, that i feel like i've compromised a lot of who i thought i was. or maybe who i am is just changing so much that i'm NOT who i thought i was anymore, ya know? i've been thinking a lot lately about babies & parenting & growing up & maturing & turning 21 & planning my life & blah, blah, blah, & then about tattoos & piercings & everything i'm missing out on right now.. i feel like i've lost something important, that i really wanted. like tattoos & piercings & alternativity & being different used to be so important to me, & look at me now, i'm almost 20 & i still have none of those things i was so excited for! & i have no skills & no schooling & safeway is supposed to be this low-end job or something, but i could make a career out of this! i'm doing really well, & i'm making bank, & it makes me moderately happy i guess.. i just still FEEL like i'm in the interim, like i'm between jobs or something, but then i remember that i'm going nowhere! what am i gonna do with my life? am i gonna work at safeway forever & make a good career for myself there? how will i feel about telling people i'm a manager of a grocery store when they ask me what i do? i'm already embarrassed to tell them that now because everyone my age is going to school & seems to be making something of themselves & i'm just working 40 hours a week just like i have been since junior year! i barely passed high school, & i was supposed to be like valedictorian or something & get scholarships & do something better or more important than safeway. we were in honors together, for christ's sake! but what am i supposed to do? & my hair's brown & normal & i wear a white shirt & black pants & converse every day. i feel like i have no style anymore, & it's distressing me. do you feel that way ever? maybe it's just my time period. & i mean i literally never go anywhere except work so i don't really have a chance to wear anything but work clothes, but it's like.. UGH! i'm so frustrated. i seriously just work & sleep & that's all! what kind of life is that?!? i mean hopefully it'll get a bit better when i actually get into my apartment, but then i won't be able to do anything still because i'll have to furnish it & pay bills & keep working. the horrid hours don't help either, but.. still. i mean didn't we all expect me to be like.. individual & out there? my own person? i expected myself to know what i wanted & know where i stand & to act & look & feel like i think i'm supposed to. but i don't at all! is it surprising to you? "soon," i tell myself all the time. i'll get my style back when i have money, or when i get my promotion, or when i've been doing this a little longer, or when i get my own place, or whatever it is. i feel like i keep making excuses, ya know? i already have my promotion & i'm getting an apartment & i have a man & i'm pretty comfortable, job security wise, & it's like, what am i waiting for? why do i keep procrastinating my LIFE?!? it's very upsetting to me.. i don't know what to think anymore.. i just don't know who i am or where i'm going or even where i WANT to go or who i WANT to be! aahhhhh!!! :( does any of this make sense? maybe i shouldn't have sent all this craziness to you.. i should've just saved it for my blog. but i have to know whether i'm just the only crazy one or whether this existential, mid-teen crisis is normal or whether i've just lost my damn mind. nobody here understands & everybody has their damn opinions, but they're all too old for me to really want to hear what they have to say. i realize that may be an immature thing to say but i don't care. i want to know what YOU think cuz you're my age & you're not callous & you haven't yet lost complete faith in humanity & we're soul sisters & i feel like maybe you might actually have something to say other than, "sorry, kid, that's the way it is." ya know? oh goodness. am i rambling? am i making any sense? tell me please, if i've lost all my marbles?

they're killing my cat tomorrow.

i'm very upset about this.. i mean she's kind of mean & not very happy, i assume, but still.. she doesn't deserve to just die & then be replaced with a new model. plus i can't even get another one in her memory because sean's fucking allergic. i was gonna say i'm sorry for that but i'm not. i'm very angry. i just feel like we could've saved her. like i could've saved her. should've. but no, i was too busy & too distracted & too whatever to give her what she needed. what if i do this to my kids? what if i'm too busy & distracted & whatever to save them? what if i totally fuck them up & then they die too? i mean i won't put my kids down, but maybe they'll kill themselves or something because they never get what they need from me. maybe i'm not ready after all. i can't keep anything alive. first i kill my plants, now i'm killing my cat, what's next? maybe i'll kill sean before i even get the chance to have any kids. what the hell am i supposed to do? the best i can. i just don't feel like i did. i dunno if i ever feel like i've done the best i can. what if i never do? am i just lazy? procrastinatory? careless? worthless? fuck this.

deliquesce - to melt away.

i learned that word last night. it's pretty good. i like it a lot. :)
i've been thinking a lot about babies. i'm very excited about them.. & i was thinking i should wait til i was 25, except i really think i'll be ready before then.. i'm still really feeling 22. we'll see. i guess i shouldn't worry now.. but i'm just so excited!!! *sigh* i was telling sean earlier, the highlight of my life would be singing a baby to sleep in a rocking chair.. i can just see it. it's lovely.. anyway.. i'm gonna go think about that while i eat some multigrain cheerios, which bee-tee-dubs are like completely bomb. & will be eaten by the baby. :)

i'm hungry & i want some cereal.

i've been hungry & wanting cereal for the past couple hours, but have been too lazy to get up & get it. how sad...

WHAT'S THE WORD? (words of the day)

malapert - (adj) unbecomingly bold or saucy [kathy griffin sometimes comes off as quite malapert. although i love her. & she very well is a strong black woman.]

bequeath - (verb) to hand down, commit, or entrust [apparently Bush bequeathed the shitty state of the country to Obama, who is now being blamed for it.]

i still want cereal. but likely am still too lazy & procrastinatory. (?) [wait, oh my god, that's actually a word & i used it correctly! FUCK YEAH, BITCHES!]

stick that in your juicebox & suck it.

so you'll be mine & i'll be yours & we'll be us again.

so we're back together. :) i guess. lol it's still complicated, i suppose.. but at least it's in motion.
i just finally realized that home is where you are, & that's enough for me. i love you & i don't want to be anywhere but in your arms. that's the only place where it feels okay to really be me.
& i know you don't care what i wear or how i act or what i say or how many zits i have or how long it's been since i've shaved my legs or how often i want to walk around naked because clothes feel restrictive. you don't care that i'm kind of a mess & my hair never works & i own so much stuff & i really don't like cleaning, but i'll do it anyway if you ever want me to. i know that i'm difficult to deal with & i never know what i feel like & i can't make decisions & i won't tell you what i'm thinking & all of that tries your nerves.. but you have to know, above all else, how much you mean to me. because you're pretty much it. :)
i'd never felt comfortable in my own skin until you touched my skin, & told me it was very nice skin indeed.
i'd never felt like i fit in until you fit me into your life & your heart.
i'd never felt the need to get out of bed in the morning & put up with all the lame that happens throughout the day. i still don't feel the need to get out of bed in the morning, but now that's because you're in the bed with me, & all i want to do is lay there with you all day.
i never thought anyone would be able to see past my scars & my excuses & my tears, until you saw them, looked through them, & told me what i needed to hear.
i never thought i could ever let anyone in so much. until i did. & there you were. & nothing came crashing down, & i didn't implode, & all the parallel universes didn't collide & pull everything into the black hole i was expecting. you were just there. & i liked it. :)
i love you. ♥

i have nothing to say today.

actually i had plenty to say but now it's all gone 'cause i'm tired & it's time for bed. but i felt the need to post anyhow.
i actually made scallops tonight all by myself! they were delicioso. i was excited. then i made a microwave pizza. it was pretty good too. but i couldn't taste the pride in it like i could with the scallops. :)
thank goodness linda traded me for a mid tomorrow. well, today. speaking of, i really should get to sleep..
i'm leaving at 6:10 in the evening on friday to go & see my love in arizona. we shall see. that's all i have to say.
except it's not because also i'd like to say that i refuse to worry about this, because there is still time, it will be okay, & the light always shines. somewhere.
bonne nuit, mes chéris.

this post isn't worth reading.

i look like shit & my hair's fucking ugly & work fucking sucks & it's gonna keep sucking & i can't sleep & i don't wanna eat & i just wanna smoke but cigarettes keep making me dizzy & i don't get my breaks because it's too fucking busy & everyone keeps complaining to me & i can't help them & i feel like i'm doing a shitty job at everything & i'm not pretty & i'm not that smart & everyone else makes me feel bad for working because they're all going to fucking college like they were supposed to & i'm just fucking working every god damn day & i have zits everywhere & my clothes are ugly & unprofessional & i may be getting bronchitis like everyone at work & i dunno if my immune system is any good anymore & i keep smoking & smoking & smoking so the doctors won't do anything for me anyway & i'm just so stressed out & my boyfriend LEFT ME & now i'm doing it all over again & how am i supposed to know he's not gonna just leave again & how am i supposed to know anything at all & how am i supposed to live when i don't know anything?!? i'm just so unhappy with so much but then i feel horrible for feeling unhappy when i have so much & i just shouldn't complain about anything because some people don't HAVE anything & so then i feel guilty & now i feel guilty but i feel like that all the time anyway & it's just a fucking carousel in my head & i never know what i'm gonna feel next cuz it's just around & around & up & down & around some more & so i never know what's gonna happen & i never know how to feel & could somebody just tell me PLEASE what i'm supposed to do?!? but nobody can. because it doesn't work that way. this is probably just because i'm working my seventh of nine closes in a row & that makes me tired & makes me not eat & like i said now i think i'm getting bronchitis & the not eating & not sleeping will make it take longer to go away but i just can't bring myself to do either one because i just don't fucking care & i don't know how the rest of you people can bring yourselves to eat & sleep like you're supposed to. or go to college like you're supposed to. or even just pass high school like you're supposed to. i hardly passed. which is ironic, because my whole life everyone kept telling me that i was so pretty & so smart & now i'm just at safeway, which is a contradiction in itself because it's a really good job but everybody makes me feel like it's really low & something that isn't worth much, but we handle your food, people! like talk about job security, everyone's gotta eat, right? but still it's looked upon as some low-end job, but guess what, bitches? i make $17 an hour working 40 hours a week & that's really good! & i'm only 19! so that's actually really REALLY good but then i feel so horrible about it a lot & like i should be doing something more productive or more whatever like going to nicaragua & helping the children which i really need to do & maybe that's why my life doesn't make any sense, because i was meant for better things than serving you rude people & telling you about our specials this week & refunding your stuff even though it's against the refund policy & selling lotto tickets which will never win & knowing everybody who comes to the damn grocery store because i feel like i live there & i see you people every day & i see you in your damn ties & suits & slutty little miniskirts & you look down on me but really i should be looking down on you! well nobody should be looking down on anyone, really, but it's human nature a little bit. so i guess that's it because now i have to go in for another day of refunds & lotto tickets & tuesday-to-tuesday specials & high out-of-stock counts & stupid training which takes hours & my normal day-to-day life which seems so mundane & stressful.
see? told you it wasn't worth reading.

& that's how i feel today.

fly away.

fly away, little butterflies of thought, fly away
upon the lilting breeze which holds you, floating
fly away, little butterlies.

fly away, gray moths of thought, fly away.
late at night feeling dark, breathing cigarette smoke,
fly away, dreary moths.

whirling, feeling frantic
i'm drawn to the light, for i find it so curious & strange
burning so brightly, feeling delirious
when i reach out, it moves away.
fly away, little butterflies of thought.
eaten alive by moths.
slowly the cloud of color disintegrates
disappearing with those pesky moths.

summertime, ironically, has become quite lachrymose.
dripping melancholy chords, my heartstrings are feeling forlorn.
where to go, they wonder. which note to play, they query.
what to do, they beseech.
fly away.

morning glories are contrary to stars.
stars only shine in the dark of the night.
glories stretch & yawn before the light of day.
fly away.

je suis fatigué. je dormirai. bonne nuit.

mountain dew, the official soft drink of trees fornicating.

i watched the show "ugly americans" tonight for the first time. it's very good, & i really like it. :) i'll have to keep tuning in for that one. definitely.
also, i saw the new iphone & i'm very interested. i think it's better looking. hopefully they do get it for verizon & i can get one. if not, i'll just use my upgrade to get a droid instead. close enough.
i actually paid $13 for a CD today! at starbucks! how sad. but i walked in & then i noticed Peggy Lee sitting there staring me down & i had to do it. starbucks had Peggy Lee! so i bought it. :) i love her.
i went to starbucks because i was on kind of a date. he was very, very nice. older than i thought, & he has a 4-year-old son, but he was very nice. & i don't really mind the age or the son. ;) you know me.. anyway, we had no trouble at all talking, & ended up talking for like 3 hours i think.. we were sitting outside & i got a sunburn on my nose & cheeks, along with a v-neck triangle of my chest. :P oh yeah, & my jeans have a big hole over the left knee, so i have a funny burn there too. ;)
i've decided to read the iliad & the odyssey. i feel like everyone else has read the latter, but i skipped around so much during school i didn't have the same curriculum as any of them. that's not why i want to read it; i've been really excited about mythology recently. i have that edith hamilton book to read still, & i haven't made it very far. it's been difficult to read for a long time. hopefully i'll make time for it when i live alone. hopefully i'll make time for lots of things i've given up when i live alone.
i've learned that the heavens & the seas were the original parents, the Titans were their children, & the gods & goddesses were the grandchildren. that's basically the first page. :P also, i learned a little about calypso & callisto tonight.
Calypso was a sea goddess, also known as Atlantis, daughter of the Titans Atlas & Tethys. during the war of the titans, Calypso supported her parents & the Titans, so she was kind of banished to the island Ogygia, which was possibly somewhere in the atlantic ocean. she's famous for trapping Odysseus on the island with her for like 7 years. finally, Athena complained & then they made her let him go.
Callisto was a nymph, daughter of the king of Arcadia, & one of Artemis's young nymph followers, so she took a vow to remain virgin. buuuuut, Zeus seduced her with shapeshifting treachery & then she was pregnant. when Artemis found out, she was ostracized from the group, & Hera was so pissed she turned Callisto into a bear, & then Callisto had a son, Arcas. supposedly, like 16 years later, Callisto the bear wandered into the woods & was almost killed by her son Arcas, so to avoid the tragedy, Zeus sent them up into the sky to be the constellations Ursa Major & Ursa Minor (big bear & little bear; the big & little dippers). then, basically, Hera was so mad at him for sabotaging her attempts, she appealed to the Titan Ocean(us), son of Uranus & Gaia, asking him never to let the two bears touch his waters, which explains their circumpolar positions.
all this information is from the book "mythology" by edith hamilton, or from hours of getting lost in wikipedia.

:)

'twas brillig, & the slithy toves did gyre & gimble in the wabe..

all mimsy were the borogoves, & the mome raths outgrabe.

i bought alice today at wal*mart. :) now normally i don't shop there, but we just ended up in there & i saw it & couldn't resist. wal*mart has alice for 4 cents cheaper than everyone else, you know. lol also i just realized that there isn't any cent symbol on the keyboard. how upsetting. is the cent sign totally insignificant now? upsetting..

i'm late, i'm late, for a very important date! no time to say "hello", "goodbye", i'm late, i'm late, i'm late!

thought i'd something more to say, but it escapes me..

westboro baptist church.

i'll pray for you.
these poor sheep have been led astray. & i pity them.

much of a muchness.

i'm not quite sure how to use the phrase yet. it's supposed to mean "very much the same". so maybe... i have much of a muchness to myself? as myself? perhaps i AM much of a muchness as myself? to myself? *sigh* oh well. we'll see.
torporific is a new word i learned. "torporific" and "lethargic" are much of a muchness. it means.. disinterested, or apathetic. i like it.
if a 34-year-old man with an adorable toddler daughter is hitting on me, does that mean i'm just really cute & nice & he likes me? or does that mean he can't get anyone his own age? is there an age cutoff? are there rules about this? then again.. i feel torporific about rules. especially societal rules. in fact, i almost feel rather adversarial toward rules. particularly societal ones. so i'm not really sure what to think anymore..
age ain't nothin' but a number, right?
can i get a concurrence up in hurr?

jam yesterday & jam tomorrow, but never jam today.

it's an idea from alice in wonderland. basically the quote is just a philosophical examination of G.E. Moore's principle of organic unity, which wonders whether the sum of the values of the parts of a whole equal the value of the whole itself.
when looking backward or forward, experiences are generally described as good. if you ask me if i like my job, i say yes. because as a whole, in the past & in the future, it's a pretty good gig. but if you ask me how work was at the end of the day, i'll almost always say it sucked. so, the parts of the whole (every day of work) may suck, which would make it logical to assume that the whole (work in general) would suck as well, since all of the parts suck. but somehow, we end up looking to the future & to the past as inherently good things, whether or not each piece of them was or will be good or not.
so.. essentially, you had jam on your toast yesterday, & you'll have it tomorrow, but you'll never have it today. :)

dysphoric = dissatisfied.

i like that word. it's new. dysphoric, dysphoric, dysphoric. i like the way it sounds. kinda dark, somehow.. anyway, i have decided to build my vocabulary. there's some free 5000-word SAT vocabulary list or something i found. i'm going to base it from that i suppose. maybe like.. 10 words a week? maybe that's a lot.. we'll see. i think 10 a week sounds good. just like in school. ;)

ah, look at all the lonely people.. (questions.)

i'm infuriated about these viruses. & spyware. & malware. & whatever the hell. infections.
what is the point of them?
who profits? how can someone benefit from infecting my poor little pitiful computer with a virus that's going to attack windows & make it eat itself?
how come they do this to me?
why should i have spyware? who wants to spy on me?
is my identity being stolen?
do they know all my passwords & my important information?
if they do, can they really get into all my accounts?
can they break into my modcloth & target wishlists, my email, bank account, credit card info, turbotax?
why would they want mine?
are they monitoring me? am i being targeted? am i being stalked?
who is making money off of this?
how can anyone possibly be making money off of this?
who would pay them to attack my vulnerable little PC?
is this like a warning sign of an assassination attempt coming?
whoa, girl, calm down.


i'm very confused. *sigh* & i'm a little lonely myself.. i should've bought alice today like i was going to. i don't want to spend 20 bucks on it, but i'm afraid if i wait for it to go on sale, i might miss it. it's a disney re-release or whatever, so i feel like that means they might lock it back in "the disney vault" for a long time again. so i should probably just do it. & if i were to spend 20 bucks on anyone, i suppose it'd be alice.

existential crisis.

equals all the wondering i've been doing. i'm just going to focus on living, then moving, then living some more, all the while working & sleeping & being & breathing & living. soon i will live alone. soon i will see my other half. soon i will learn all the things i want to learn. community college is just as good, right? photography, philosophy, psychology, sociology, french, spanish, italian, sign language, religions, mythology, poetry, painting, design... i'm just so interested. so curious. i think my mythology book and the philosophy of alice in wonderland are what i need to read right now. i'll make time. ;)

BE PROACTIVE!

• i probly wouldn't be this way, i probly wouldn't hurt so bad, i never pictured every minute without you in it, oh you left so fast. sometimes i see you standin there, sometimes it's like i'm losin touch, sometimes i feel like i'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much. god give me a moment's grace, 'cause if i'd never seen your face, "i probly wouldn't be this way".. - leann rimes
• if i could have it my way, i'd go back to where you are. ("little rock" - lee ann womack)
• "but i do love you" - leann rimes
• "piece of my heart" - faith hill
• every time i run you're the one i run to. ("the right kind of wrong" - leann rimes)
• "men & mascara" always run. - julie roberts
• & lord it ain't easy out here in the dark, to keep us together so far apart.. if my heart had wings, i would fly to you & lie beside you as you dream, "if my heart had wings" - faith hill
• "like we never loved at all" - faith hill & tim mcgraw

among others.

new glasses, dyed hair, signed apartment lease, passed interview!

exciting stuff. so anyway, on another subject.. i was reading some of my poetry the other day cuz i was pretty bored.. apparently i'm way better than i remember being. i really liked some of it. i feel like some is a bit extravagant language-wise but.. i'm not too bad at all. i especially like this one. so i figured i'd share. i mean.. it's my blog after all. i'll post whatever the hell i want! so. now presenting...


"the hummingbird."
much like the hummingbird, my dear

zipping off to here or there

& i don't know if i should stop

& land for then i might have to

think of what i've done & do

to you & us & me & they

& if i do i'll end up gray

perhaps in blue i meant to say.

i rush from place to spot & back again

for time i've lost & when

i land my stop is brief to be sure

hurting isn't what i seek

from me or us or you or they

& surely i'll hold them at bay

if only i will not slow down

& keep you coming round for me.

a mile a minute for all the hours

in the day but when i sleep or dream

a million fright'ning dreams & toss & turn

& cannot speak

& so i flutter by again & touch the petals of the daisy

oh how i'd be your shining sun

if not the clouds so hazy.

so dream a little dream of me

think not of what's become of me

for you'll be tortured by the thoughts

of my own destructivity.

i dunno it just caught my attention.. among everything else i've written, with all the intense language & subject matter, somehow the simplicity of this one makes it my new favorite. i really like the meter, & i just.. i dunno, i just love it. so.

so apparently "destructivity" isn't a word. i assume this because google is underlining it in red. eh.. that's poetry right? & anyway, i'm supposed to go hang out with my friend. but it's kind of a trek, & i have been working all day, been up since 6 this morning, which is very very early for me now, & my uterus hurts (or whatever it is. quinn & i have already had this conversation...) so i really am just quite torn about it. i really really really need to learn to drive because oh. my. gosh. i can't do this anymore. just thinking about having to walk the like 25 minutes home to my apartment after having worked all day til 11:00 at night does NOT sound like it's gonna be very enjoyable. but at this point i'm not so sure i really have any options.. does the bus run that late? i don't think it does.. the last i believe is at like 10:45 or something. :( this is very upsetting. don't stand, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me.. so guess what? i also use the ellipsis & the 2-dot-ellipsis thingie (is there a term for that?) really a lot. just an observation. all right, apparently i have nothing to say.. you can just have that poem instead of my thoughts. i don't really seem to know what i think right now.. i'm kind of sad. & i miss my boy. & i guess that's it.

the sun will always shine. (unless it explodes or something & causes the "day after tomorrow" effect.)

i CAN do my job.

*sigh* i was going to post something.. i have so much to say.. but i'm exhausted. in every way possible. so.. i'm going to bed instead.. interview tomorrow. wish me luck. goodnight..

am i the only one who's dissatisfied? (breathe in, breathe out.)

somehow, today managed to be just as bad as yesterday. if not worse.. so bad i don't even feel like talking about it anymore. i just want it aaaaaaaaaaaall to disappear into a cloud of smoke. to be left in my dust. in my wake. behind me. breathe in, breathe out.
i'm quite sore. i'm not exactly sure why. breathe in, breathe out.
i want to know if i'm the only one who's dissatisfied. i find life to be intensely distressing, disheartening, and i can't seem to find the joy anymore.. there are many factors, however, so it's been difficult to decipher my true feelings.. breathe in...
but i wonder whether people, as a race, just walk around unhappy all the time without ever realizing how discontented they are. is this really all there is? will it never get any better than this? supposedly these are the good years. at least i have been made to assume this. that's bullshit. is it true that life sucks and then you die? i feel like there's so much i'm missing. there's SO much out there and i feel like there has to be more to life than this. i sound like i'm listing cliches right now. and i've heard these questions before, but i don't recall ever receiving answers. i suppose that's just the way it is, but that pisses me off. i don't appreciate this lack of information and i plan to extract some. where i will stumble across this knowledge i cannot say, but i had just better, or else...breathe out.
sometimes i think.. what's the point of all of this? why should i care about people? what do people really matter anyway? how come we're supposedly like the superior race or whatever? is this really it? am i just supposed to shut up & take all of this? why are we so self-centered? is that bad? one of my biggest phobias is being self-absorbed and self-centered, but am i pushing myself too far in the other direction? how much should i be thinking about myself? why the hell should i even bother? i just feel like there's SOMETHING BIGGER! what is it? how can i find it? where can i find it, for that matter? what am i supposed to be doing? with my life or myself or everyone else? where do i fall in?
i don't even really like people very much. they're kind of a nuisance. but then when i'm at work or something, i just get into this mode.. human mode i guess. then, i don't worry about bigger things. then, i'm just me & you're just you & this is the way it is & that's it. but i can't help but think.. is there anybody out there? [pink floyd reference]
in the end, all you can do is breathe in, and breathe out.