if ever I have seen a downward spiral..

I am in the midst of another. I just don't know what to do about any of this nonsense. We haven't spoken in almost 4 days. I feel pathetic just saying that. But I know he won't because he thinks he's doing me a favor. He isn't. I just can't entangle myself so much in this unreality. I've given too much already, & I'm starting to worry that I'll lose it all. He's the only man in my life I've ever trusted so fully, & maybe that was a mistake. Which I should've known anyway, given my track record. It's still difficult to believe he could've lied. I'm sure it wasn't a lie, just a change of heart, like with Sean. Is this all there is? Falling in love & then being told their mind has changed, feelings are different? Is that all love is? Just a fleeting sunrise, only to disapparate into nothing again? I'm just so confused. But how can I broach the subject again? It's been talked to death. & still nothing makes any sense. What am I to do, just sit & wait? I can't stand all this damn waiting. Sure, it'll probably make me stronger or some bullshit like that, but fuck if I care. This is just classic human bullshit. Fuck. Sometimes I hate being alive.

i feel like i'm being yanked around.

but i might be doing it to myself. it's a strange time & i don't know what to think. everything's just so mad.

i decided on a tattoo last night.

an alicey "drink me" bottle on my left inner wrist. it symbolizes so much. it's absolutely perfect. now i just need funding. i'm also hopelessly in love with a boy i can't have. which i suppose isn't exactly a new thing for me. in fact, i have been here before, many times. how can i know whether or not i only want what i can't have? there's no way to know for sure. especially since we're so far apart. & i've already said i can't move there. at least not right now. he won't move here either. what do i know about that place? maybe i should research it & see how i feel.. for the future, ya know. also i think i may be becoming a wino. although after consulting urban dictionary, maybe i'm not. i just like wine. & i'm willing to drink it at practically any time. i'm very worried about this boy. he told me he's going to the hospital now. i feel like i should be there. i love him. i told him so. & i told him not to say it back. i don't think he's in the right place for that right now. did i mention how much i like wine? especially that kung fu girl riesling i just bought for my birthday. it was VERY good. i just finished it. yeah, in the middle of the day. fuck you. & i'm definitely feeling it. you know, i forgot how much i like being intoxicated by alcohol. right now i am riding a very enjoyable buzz. which i feel slightly guilty about because i am babysitting in like an hour or two. but whatever. it should fizzle by then. & after that, like i said, i'm all out. i need a new ID cuz i don't think anyone will take mine now. & i just checked to see if i could do it online, but i can't. bitches. anyway, i'm just sayin. i love wine, i love the boy, & fuck you if you don't like it.