am i the only one who's dissatisfied? (breathe in, breathe out.)

somehow, today managed to be just as bad as yesterday. if not worse.. so bad i don't even feel like talking about it anymore. i just want it aaaaaaaaaaaall to disappear into a cloud of smoke. to be left in my dust. in my wake. behind me. breathe in, breathe out.
i'm quite sore. i'm not exactly sure why. breathe in, breathe out.
i want to know if i'm the only one who's dissatisfied. i find life to be intensely distressing, disheartening, and i can't seem to find the joy anymore.. there are many factors, however, so it's been difficult to decipher my true feelings.. breathe in...
but i wonder whether people, as a race, just walk around unhappy all the time without ever realizing how discontented they are. is this really all there is? will it never get any better than this? supposedly these are the good years. at least i have been made to assume this. that's bullshit. is it true that life sucks and then you die? i feel like there's so much i'm missing. there's SO much out there and i feel like there has to be more to life than this. i sound like i'm listing cliches right now. and i've heard these questions before, but i don't recall ever receiving answers. i suppose that's just the way it is, but that pisses me off. i don't appreciate this lack of information and i plan to extract some. where i will stumble across this knowledge i cannot say, but i had just better, or else...breathe out.
sometimes i think.. what's the point of all of this? why should i care about people? what do people really matter anyway? how come we're supposedly like the superior race or whatever? is this really it? am i just supposed to shut up & take all of this? why are we so self-centered? is that bad? one of my biggest phobias is being self-absorbed and self-centered, but am i pushing myself too far in the other direction? how much should i be thinking about myself? why the hell should i even bother? i just feel like there's SOMETHING BIGGER! what is it? how can i find it? where can i find it, for that matter? what am i supposed to be doing? with my life or myself or everyone else? where do i fall in?
i don't even really like people very much. they're kind of a nuisance. but then when i'm at work or something, i just get into this mode.. human mode i guess. then, i don't worry about bigger things. then, i'm just me & you're just you & this is the way it is & that's it. but i can't help but think.. is there anybody out there? [pink floyd reference]
in the end, all you can do is breathe in, and breathe out.

i miss my love.

i miss coming home to him, waking up with him, hanging out with him.. i need a hug from him. & a kiss. or several. i need him to listen to me, & i want to listen to him. i wish we could watch some seinfeld or arrested development or curb your enthusiasm like we used to. i wish he was close enough to come pick me up & take me home. or even just to scoop me up into a proper embrace. i feel like all my other hugs aren't real. everyone wants to be loving me right now, when all i want is some of his. not that i'm complaining, i suppose, and everyone's been so wonderful & supportive. but it isn't the same.. they can't make everything disappear like he does..

i don't feel home now.. i feel like a guest. like a visitor. in my parents' house. which is slightly distressing.. i feel home with him. i think anywhere we are, as long as we're together, i'd feel more at home than i do now. even than i will when i'm alone in my own apartment.. maybe that's why we jumped so quickly. he just makes me feel.. real. like a normal person. like.. like maybe i'm kind of normal after all. maybe i'm not really super out-there and unavailable and undatable. like that song "you get me" by michelle branch. he just.. doesn't think i'm crazy and losing my mind & he loves me anyway.

i had a headache the entire day. my whole 8.5-hour shift, and a couple hours before, an eternal headache. i had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, & then i got home, took off my makeup, answered his phone call, and my headache was magically gone. my day was magically not so bad after all.. & that is the reason he's necessary. little stuff like that. i can't sleep anymore, without him, even on the ambien. even with 2 ambien! i'm so stressed out and headache-ridden and so.. pained. with him gone i just can't even function correctly.. *sigh* i just need my boy back..

all the other times in my life i thought my heart was breaking, i was wrong.

i had no idea. everyone tells you your whole life that "you don't know what heartbreak is yet." and i didn't believe anybody until now. so now i know.
except i'm sure each time it'll get worse and worse and it'll break more and more and eventually i'll have to get an x-ray done and all they'll see is pieces all over the place.
sticking to my lungs, spattered on my intestines, floating through my bloodstream.. everywhere, they'll just see a conglomerate of separated heart matter. but that's life.
and you can't do a thing about it but suck it up until you die. find a way to get through every day anyhow. because everyone else is in pain too, mind you, so don't go feeling all special. you will not be some poor, pitiful pearl, missy. you just dry those tears and keep walking. keep working. keep breathing.
anyway, i suppose one day i might find someone who is able to do some closed-heart surgery on me, find most of the little pieces, and reassemble them into something maybe slightly resembling a heart, but those chances are slim, especially when you're human.
but i have hope. i have faith. and i will have serenity.

SERENITY NOW!

this is really hard.

i wish i knew how better to deal with this.. have you seen jamie oliver's food revolution? i love it. watch it.

the imagination is the scariest thing imaginable.

that's a direct quote. i like it. i have to move today. =( it really sucks. i may entirely wind up a sobbing zombie before the night is even over. he's leaving on saturday.

i'm high on life! & i have the power.

well maybe i don't have the power yet, but hopefully i might at some point. apparently i have to stop typing this now, as my attention is being demanded elsewhere. i'll do this later perhaps.. that's all i have to say.

so apparently i say "kinda a lot" even more than i say "ya know?"

ha, & i realized while typing that that i also use the word "apparently" at an alarming rate. but alas, i am tired again, as usual, so i'll really post later. =P

i just noticed that i say "..ya know?" really kind of a lot.

so this is my new blog. & i was gonna post but i'm tired. so maybe later. :)