things are things.

& maybe i'm on an uphill climb for the moment. if i can stay focused on the right things, i should be able to reach the goals i have. i really should just forget about boys altogether.. i need to be good at my job - or i need to find a new one, i have to make sure i'm ready for this trip next month, that i can afford it, i need to make sure i know what the fuck i'm doing career-wise before june, when i have to move.. need to make sure i'm ready for college next semester. & i need to work on voice and piano. i have a feeling it's going to be difficult to think as highly of myself as is probably necessary.. but maybe i'll be able to fake it well enough. i'll take some classes, lessons, read some books... i want to be able to write songs.. it's killing me that i can't. i can't find the words, and i hope school will help. i'll have to start working on vocabulary before then. and spanish, too.. i like the idea of a bilingual song. anyway, that's all i have i guess. i just don't want to only post on here when i need to vent. i'm almost bipolar, so i'm just as happy half the time as i am upset the other half. well.. there are a lot of in-betweens too, but.. whatever. good fucking night. y'all.

dancing it out?

actually kinda works...sometimes. unless 30-somethings with teen daughters are around. totally unrelated: swagger found an ad on craigslist about me tonight! insane. lol some guy i bagged for the other day with whom i talked about gnocchi, but who can't spell the word 'gnocchi' correctly, even though he purchased the stuff. he's 33. & probably very nice, but i'm not going there. i'll deal with that if he asks me out at work. there was a very cute guy at EC tonight, though.. he drove us to the car in his little golf-cart thing because it was snowing. he was kinda flirting with mom, possibly with me...she says. anyway, i am in no position to start a relationship with anyone, i'm practically unhinged. i was so manic today. & i was aware of it at the time. lol it was weird, i kept stopping myself abruptly from doing things. maybe i shouldn't use the term manic like it's some medical symptom i have.. i was just being a spaz. anyway, i danced it out, i guess. it did help, to just force myself not to care what anybody else thought, if anyone was looking at me. of course i always feel like everyone is but probably nobody is. lol that's a little comforting.. so i just kinda said, 'fuck it.' but now i have to get up in like less than 5 hours. not going to be fun. & then i'm babysitting rilo after work, probably kinda late. that sucks. lol oh well, though, she's fun. hafta make sure i bring everything. who says i can't create masterpieces in crayon? ha. sooooooo i should go to bed. goodnight.

how can you pull yourself out of a funk

when the funk is keeping you down? like.. i feel like i don't exist, like i'm not real, not present.. like i'm looking through everything and not seeing any of it. my moods seem to be quite cyclical.. fine, good, fine, shit, gone, depressed, PMSing, MCing, PMSing, depressed, gone, shit, fine, begin again. lord mercy. sometimes i wonder if cutting would actually help. but i don't need to hear any arguments against it, friend; i know it's wrong. but sometimes i think maybe it'd help to have something else to focus on. HA! did i just say that? i have way too much to focus on without having to worry about all the anxiety that comes with that little habit. i also sometimes wish i could just be institutionalized. i wouldn't have to worry so much, presumably. except about offing myself or getting caught cutting or starving or something. how can one be such a functional crazy person as i? am i really functional? actually most of the time i feel very dysfunctional. so obviously the answer is that one can't be a functional crazy person like me, because i am not functioning properly. i wonder if it's a physical problem, or just psychological. can a psychological problem cause a physical problem? over the years of starving myself, convincing myself i wasn't hungry.. could that have changed my body? made it so that it really isn't hungry very often? did i somehow create neurological connections between cutting and relief? or smoking and relief, for that matter? or stress with food? & how can you change your opinion of yourself when it feels too much like fact and not opinion? i mean, aren't i the one who knows me best? probably most people who think they know me would say no. but how can anybody ever be sure of anything? or, i suppose a better question is how can everyone accept that they can never be sure of anything? how do all these people deal with the fact that they have no fucking clue about anything? reality isn't real. people lie. see what they want to see. don't they all know that? is this where religion becomes useful? to convince you that you matter? that you're important to someone or -thing that doesn't actually exist? i mean, geez, do i have to make up a fucking higher power just to escape the nonreality of life? what an interesting thought.. creating more unreality to deal with the pre-existing unreality. but how can it even exist if it's not real? language is just as unreal. it's intangible, made up by people nobody knows.. i make up language all the time. it can be manipulated. unlike time. time feels like the only true reality there is, and IT isn't real EITHER! it can't be. also intangible. just a device invented as a way to keep track of its own passing, i would assume. so how can they walk around every day, knowing nothing is real, knowing nothing matters, and still give a shit about anything? maybe that's another reason i give myself to smoke. both. to pass nonexistent time, to stop thoughts about unreality, to distract myself from the life at hand. *sigh* the life at hand. i've gotta do something.