i feel like

i'm falling apart. like i almost have to hug myself to keep all my parts together. i can't bring myself out of bed before noon, unless i have to get up for work. there's a party tonight that i think i wanted to go to, but now i just feel like they can't possibly want me there. they never want to do anything else with me outside of work, so why this time? she told me i'm the only one who hasn't realized i'm a leader yet. & she told me i need to get confident, because that's what's stopping me. but how the fuck can a person just GET confidence? that's not the way it works! i can't just pull it out of my ass. & i can pretend all i want, but that isn't helping anyone. i'm starting to drift down the suicidal river again, and i don't know how much strength i have left to start rowing backwards. sometimes i feel like i just want to be 21. maybe because i never got to be my age before, and now it's caught up with me. 21 year olds don't work in supervisory roles, telling people what to do and drowning in responsibilities. they work normal jobs, they're poor, and they figure out who they are and what to do with their lives. but i can't focus one second on my life because i'm too stressed about work. i need art and music and education, none of which i'm properly receiving right now. & i need to be able to breathe. & not do drugs or drink. i need to be able to eat and sleep and make myself get out of bed when i should be done sleeping. but i can't. i can't seem to do any of those things. maybe i'm just not strong enough to be a whole person. maybe i'm just one of those people who has to focus all their energy on work and forget about themselves. but then where will that leave me? horribly unhappy, like i am now. i can't even blame this on that monthly womanly bullshit, either. i swear, i feel like they have ruined all of my days off since i got those bad reviews. it's all i can think about when i'm not working; how shitty a job i'm doing and how it's ruining my life. i wanted to work at this store because i thought it'd be better than my last experience. in ways it is and in ways it's worse. they keep telling me i can do it, but whenever they say it, i just feel like it's a load of bullshit and there's no possible way. she said i can't let myself get in the way of it, like my thinking i can't do it is what's making me not be able to do it. she asked if i was ready to give up. but it's not giving up, it's just accepting the reality that i cannot do this job at this time. i really don't think i can. but if i lose this money, will i be able to afford to live? i have to move anyway, but my lease isn't up until june. i can't pay 815 a month for rent without making the money i make now. i can BARELY pay it at this pay rate. so what am i supposed to do? keep sucking it up, taking the bullshit, drugging my body so i can stop thinking, staying up superlate so i can sleep, staying in bed until the last second before i need to get up, crying about how i've fucked my life? i need to go to the doctor. but i don't have money for the doctor, i barely have money to support myself. and the first thing that gets cut when i'm saving money is food. so i have to stop eating so much. and no shopping whatsoever. but i continue to make poorer and poorer decisions. maybe i should get a second job, just in case. but then i'll never sleep, never eat, never have any time for anything except work. which isn't SO different from now. now i have time for other things, but i don't utilize it for anything but feeling sorry for myself and hating the state i'm in. sometimes i wish i didn't have a family, so i wouldn't have to feel guilty about ending it. they're the only thing keeping me here. otherwise, i feel like i would've been gone long ago. and what would i have missed? not much. i am in no state to go to a party and surround myself with the people who don't really know me and don't really want to. and who would want to anyway? all i am is a sack of lies and fakeness and i don't even know who i really am. who i want to be. because i don't want to be anybody, i just want to fade away. and i'm still attempting that last, as i have been for years. if i keep starving, keep drugging, keep sleeping, maybe eventually i will fade away and no one will see me anymore. and what lie will i make up to avoid going out tonight? sorry, kristi can't come to the phone right now, she's drowning herself in her own misery. yeah, pretty pathetic, huh? why can't i seem to find real joy in anything? everything comes at a price. my moods shift like the weather in colorado. four seasons in one day. it happens. maybe i really should be medicated. i've been off for, what, like 2 months, maybe? was i happier before? what about the other factors? is being alone causing a strain? at least my parents are close by, in case i lose everything. but that's not fair. why can't i just be a capable woman? and why should this random customer give me the time of day? i am absolutely a mental case. i should be institutionalized. he shouldn't want anything to do with me. probably he doesn't, anyway. and what would i show him, were he to actually be interested? hi, i'm kristi, i work at WFM, for now, until i get fired for doing a horrid job, i don't know what i'm doing with my life, i have no direction, no drive, no motivation, and no true happiness. want to start a relationship? rachael said i can't wait for everything to be perfect, because it'll never happen. which is true, but am i really in a good place right now to share myself with someone? because that still means for me that i ignore myself and switch my focus. but i'm still unhappy. and who wants to be around a downer all the time? no one. that's probably half the reason sean left me. fucking twice. i wouldn't want to live with me either. i can hardly blame him. and brendan, why would he want to keep talking to me when i'm like this? i can't blame any of them for leaving me. what's the common denominator in these situations? it's not the guys, it's me. me and my load of problems that i carry on my shoulders. i just can't seem to find any joy.. i'm getting too depressed to type. i'll end this now and just keep thinking in circles. actually, more likely i'll do some drugs and drink some wine so i can stop thinking about all this in such a destructive way. then i must force myself to go to the bank. and interact with the public. which, somehow, is not my strong suit when i am not at work. so goodbye for now. i'm glad i have somewhere to complain without comment or judgment. oh! hey, look there, i just found a tiny bit of joy. that's a step, right?

who to be..

it's a difficult decision. they tell me i need to see myself as a leader. but i'm not one. i don't really even want to be one. that's not who i am. i don't like telling people what to do. what do i like about leadership? i'm okay with responsibility. i'm dependable and nice and fair. but maybe i don't wanna be a leader. i've never been that kind of girl. i'm a follower. i do what i'm told, and i do it as well as i can. but is that enough? am i okay with that? besides, right now i'm being told to be a leader. will i do that? can i? i don't even know if i'm capable. i've been in a so-called leadership role for like the past 2 years. how has it worked out for me? it hasn't. maybe i should step down and just be a cashier. but i can't afford another fucking pay cut. i just can't. i can barely afford where i am right now. if i lose even another dollar an hour, i don't know if i could handle it. maybe it is time to move. but isn't that running away? going to a different store won't make me any better a leader. if i maybe transfer to a different store as a cashier, and then go to school. but what for? WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY FUCKING LIFE? i can't stay here forever. won't. i refuse to remain in retail for the rest of my life. but how much of my life am i willing to spend there? is all this really beneficial for me? i'm being pushed in a certain direction. how do i know that's the way i wanna go? well, obviously it isn't, since i'm putting up such a fight. but would it be so bad to learn new skills? is leadership a skill? i wouldn't consider it one. at least not one i'm dying to have a hold on. fuck leadership. it's not my place. it's not what i want. so why am i here? fucking money. and because i knew i was worth more than just bagging people's groceries and pushing carts. then i was worth more than selling lotto tickets and money orders. then i was worth more than safeway. now, am i worth more than whole foods? do i think i'm too good for them? no. just not right. this just isn't what i want for my life. the company has good values, ish, but it's still a company. still a corporation. but anywhere i go, that's where i'll be, right? so should i just accept that i at least work for a slightly-better-than-the-competition corporation? still not okay with me. i hate what they're doing to our country. corporations, that is. not that they're alone. everyone's fucking us all over and we're letting them. because what the fuck are we gonna do about it? absolutely nothing. we all need money to live. and we'll do almost anything to keep it coming. like me. i'll go in for my next shift, bottle up everything i'm feeling, put on the fakest smile and attitude anyone's ever seen, and then i'll probably have to hear about how fake i'm being and how they need me to be real happy. with a real positive attitude. i just feel like nothing will ever be good enough, because this isn't what i'm meant to do. if only i could figure the fuck out what i am supposed to do. how can i make a decision to leave here, leave everything i've worked for, if i don't know where i'm going to go, or what to work for next? but how can i keep playing along when i know this isn't what i want? friend, i know you're reading this.. and you know who you are, because you're the only one who reads my stupid blog. how do you do it? can you fake it every day? how can you hold onto who you are, in the midst of showing basically the whole rest of the world who you're not? you have a few years' experience on me. how have you held it together? do you feel the way i feel?

sometimes everything just sucks.

& i try to fix it. i try to be all gung-ho about it, too. i get all excited & worked up & positive. & then everything still sucks. so i get depressed. start thinking very low. like the lowest C on a flute, low. i think all manner of crazy, upsetting things. meanwhile, everything still sucks. maybe even more than before. so, then i get tired. i get exhausted, because, might i say, depression is quite tiresome. & putting on a phony face every day is horribly draining. i get so tired it becomes work to breathe & extra work to smile & make conversation. obviously, everything still sucking. usually i have to hit some bottom before i decide once again to shape up or ship out. i tell myself, "Self, this is your damn life, & it ain't gettin' any easier, & nobody's gonna fix it for you." i remember that i'm the only one who makes choices in my life. i'm the only one in control of myself. (right?) i'm the one standing in the way of my own damn happiness. because i can't let myself be happy? am i really choosing to be unhappy? in a way, definitely yes: my actions are what causes my moods, right? i choose not to eat, i choose not to take any medication, i choose to do all this negative to my body, so what do i expect to happen? well, i expect to be happy anyway, for some reason. but is that logical? or even possible? i can't help but feel like i'm losing my true self by continuing to try to change myself. but maybe i'm just losing my old self. which could be good, right? but how can you keep those selves in tact? i guess i'm worried that if i make too many changes, i'll become somebody i don't want to be, & be lost. but then, do i really want to be who i am now? do i want to be who i've been? a resounding No. so, then? what the fuck? i guess i'm just confused. like usual. will i ever not be confused?

selves are complicated.

are you who you choose to be? if you choose to be a certain person, are you choosing to be yourself or to be someone else? how can you tell the difference between just being yourself and being who you want to be? what if you choose to be who you don't want to be? people wear so many masks, no one can ever really know what's beneath the surface. we choose to know what we are told. what our senses tell us is true. but the brain is a dirty rotten liar, ya know. it makes up whatever it wants. who's to say what reality is? what is real? in truth, nothing. ha, but what is truth? apparently everything is nothing. & from humanity's realization that everything is truly nothing, thus sprang forth religion? perhaps. but not for me, i daresay. in a way i suppose i might consider myself content to play only my one insignificant part in this huge unreality. i find it much more comforting to know that i only have to put up with the bullshit for 80 years more, at most, and that i have potentially 80 more years of good stuff to make the rest worth it. i'm okay to be done after that. anyone who knows me well knows i'm a girl who loves to sleep late. i'd sleep forever if i could. oh! & there we go. when it's all said and done, i will sleep forever. alas, i digress...
shouldn't it be effortless to be yourself? isn't that what the term means, essentially? be who you are and don't try to be someone you're not. so can you try to be someone you are? or are you just who you are and that's it? if you decide to be a certain person, does your self change? how can you decipher which part of you is your effortless self and which is your effortful, if you will, self? maybe i should study a little more psychology. and perhaps philosophy as well. or maybe it's just the wine thinking.. whatever. i am who i am. or am i? :P

i still hate being alive.

most of the time. i'm going to try listing.

what am i upset about?

• i'm not doing a good enough job at work
• how so?
• i did a shit job with incentives
• how so?
• nothing was clearly set up in the beginning and then stuck to.
• we didn't do power hours like we were supposed to.
• there wasn't enough communication about it, with TMs, etc.
• now i'm falling behind because some things fell through.
• what can be done?
• learn for next year.
• still to do:
• plan party for Sharks (talk to Aria about scheduling, Laura(?) about the how-to's?)
• order t-shirts (get design, get sizes, get pricing)
• get GCs for best TMs with leftover budget
• i'm no better at dealing with down time
• what can be done?
• pay attention
• make a list of "to be done in down time" things?
• talk to everyone about things they need done
• i'm so not prepared for whole planet
• what can be done?
• think ideas for events
• meet with FJ, Aria, Dani, Jenilee
• be prepared for power hours, events, etc.
• take damn good fuckin notes.
• i can't think of any ways to help the team with the logbook
• utilizing the board for logbook questions?
• every time something new is posted in the book, write a question or note about it on the board
• asking every TM when they come down if they have checked, to get them into the habit of every day checking.
• daily questions every time new things are posted
• let sups know about new things, so they can answer questions and also make sure TMs are reading
• the team isn't involved enough in LPI
• what can be done?
• note on the board LPI topic of the month, random facts, last audit score, etc
• keep clear holder on 6/7 with monthly LPI note, highlighting important stuff
• create daily questions when we have new info
• i'm being too much of a friend, not enough of a leader
• what can be done?
• no asking for rides.
• hold everyone accountable
• be more serious.
• they want me to be ready to advance in a year
• so what?
• i don't know if i even want to advance at all, especially in only a year's time!
• i only wanted to get my hours in so i could volunteer with whole planet
• do i still even want to do that?
• i don't know. i want to help people, right?
• it will help me gain perspective
• it will be TRULY meaningful work
• i'll leave the country, get away for a while, change of scenery, change of habits, change of everything
• yes, i need to do it. but can i?
• i don't even know how long i want to stay in grocery
• what can be done?
• nothing but waiting, thinking and deciding
• i don't even know what i want to do with my life!
• what can be done?
• nothing but waiting, thinking and deciding
• i am no closer to a license or a car
• what can be done?
• read the manual
• take the test, get a permit
• get someone to teach me how
• get a license
• save some fucking money
• buy a car
• get started!
• i'm not going to school this semester
• what can be done?
• nothing now. apply again next semester.
• make sure i'm ready to go when the time comes around again
• stop worrying about it for now.
• i have more addictions now than i did a few months ago
• what can be done?
• am i really ready to give them up?
• if so, get on it. if not, stop worrying about it for now.
• i look absolutely wretched
• what can be done?
• new acne medication? check.
• nothing else. i'm stuck with my face for the rest of my life, so i can stop worrying about it.
• i'm paying too much for my apartment
• what can be done?
• nothing until June when i move out!
• stop worrying about it for now.
• i still have no pets
• what can be done?
• nothing until June when i move out!
• stop worrying about it for now.
• i still have trouble eating properly
• what can be done?
• all i can do is try, which i am
• stop worrying and start eating.

okay, that did help maybe a little. just to organize, to help think clearly. i'm still upset. but i guess i know what i have to do. right?