I don't know what I'm saying!

I dunno what I'm doing either. I dunno what's going on. I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying uselessly about things I can't control. I'm tired of feeling like a rodent on a wheel. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of being young, just as I shall tire of being old. I'm tired of drugs, tired of dependence, addiction, psychological bullshit. Tired of being tired. Tired of wishing & hoping & thinking & praying. Tired also of planning & dreaming, to no avail. I'm tired of not having enough money. Tired of worrying about money. Tired of trying not to base my life around money & continually realizing that's near impossible. Tired of hearing about the present state of things & feeling like there's nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of knowing some things. Tired of learning, tired of working, tired of fighting. Tired of walking & riding the bus & taking the train. Tired of wondering. Tired of focusing. Tired of eating, tired of sleeping, tired of breathing. I'm real fuckin tired.

I'm going through the big D & don't mean Dallas.

In fact I mean depression. It sucks. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going or what to do when I get there either. I don't know what normal people do outside of work. I do nothing but not-so-good things that aren't helping. & now I like being at work unless I feel like curling up & sleeping for the next 80 years til I can just die in peace. Well, peaceish. I love my Sean, but I also worry. What if we're not right, what if we don't last, what if he leaves again, what if I leave? I don't think I'm ready to lose him. Even though I also maybe don't think we will last forever. But maybe we will. Both of us will be changing a lot in the next few years, & then continually throughout our lives. Will we change together or drift apart? Am I wasting my time or doing what I should be doing? This is so confusing & I just wish I had some good friends here.