life poses so many unanswerable questions.

how can one make sense of it all? with virtually no knowledge in a world so vast & saturated in a lack of understanding, how can anyone be sure they're making the right decisions? "right" is so subjective, anyhow. claire said i can never be sure i'm making the right decision, but that i should make it anyway, "head first with no regrets." no holds barred. is that to say i should up & move to missouri to try a relationship which may or may not work, with a boy who may or may not love me? no. i mean wouldn't i fucking love to, but i can't let myself. i have to maintain the track i'm on. i'm trying to better myself, after all, & who can truly love someone who doesn't love herself? no man i know. & i want my love fucking real. i need it to be real. i need to feel it in my heart, soul, mind, knees, stomach, & everywhere in between. i need it to fill me up, & fuel my actions. i just need it to be fucking real. but isn't it always real? i mean i tell people all the time i love them, & i mean it. but what does that even really mean? maybe she's right, & i'll never be sure. but perhaps i will. everyone says "you just know", & i haven't yet decided whether or not i believe that, but.. i suppose it could be a comforting thought. does claire really know? did my parents really know? or did they just think they knew? or did they subconsciously know the whole time that it wasn't right & they weren't willing to admit it to themselves until the last straws? & what about all of the changes people go through in life? what if, as a species, scientifically, we aren't supposed to be monogamous for our whole lives? i mean, i still believe that i was meant to be with everyone i have been with, but is that also to say that i'll continue to meet men i'm meant to be with? how can i reassure myself that this is the one? & is my uncertainty by itself a huge red flag telling me right to my face that he isn't the one? then i come back to whether or not there really is a "one", or whether there are several ones. am i refusing to acknowledge to myself what i possibly already know deep down? am i willing to admit that i know that he isn't the one? why should i be so terrified of what i know, when all i'm complaining about is not knowing? what if i do know, & i won't let myself know that i know? oh my god, i'm just typing in circles. do i need to be with some other "meant-to-be"s before i can be sure that he's the last one? & who's to say my feelings are even real anyway? i mean, in fact, feelings aren't real. i mean, nothing is real. so what the fuck? what are you supposed to do with that information? i won't go down that road at present; it will lead me to too many more unanswerable questions. & i have enough of those on my plate already. okay, so life is what you make of it. & what have i made? nothing. maybe some art, some poetry, some people smile. but what have i really done? learned? i hate being aware of the meaninglessness of everything. i almost feel like ignorance might be bliss in that instance. the big problem i'm having is that i don't know what any of this means, or what i feel, or what is genuine. but the one thing i do know - that nobody knows anything - is the one thing i wish i didn't know. in a literal sense, all of my questions are impossible to answer, because there exist no true answers. for once, my typing all this out has done nothing whatsoever to comfort my aching heart. i long for fantasy, for romance, for a life i imagine. but i don't want to do any of the work it will take to create that life for myself. i'm not so willing to put in the immense time & effort it will inevitably take to have the things i so desire. so where does that leave me? exactly where i started. standing in the middle of a road, with endless directions to choose from. innumerable choices to be made. everything is uncertain & nothing makes sense, because nothing truly exists. i can try to go to work, go to school, go to bars, but what am i doing, really? & where am i going? & what good does any of it do me? i suppose it staves off the boredom. but if i can't trust what i think or how i feel, what is there left to help me take action? so should i just surrender unto myself? how can i pull myself up & out & into the world? & in deciding "what to do" for the rest of my life, will i ever be certain? will i ever be sure of anything, ever? maybe this is why i turn to drugs. i don't have these days as often when my brain is being regulated by outside factors. i'm only a few days off, so they haven't even cleared my system fully. it's about 7 PM now, & i think i've waited long enough to start drinking. i can't handle this circular thinking anymore for today. i need to be distracted. so that, once again, as always, i can avoid my problems, insecurities, uncertainties, & fill my time with meaningless, unrealistic fantasies until tomorrow, at which point the real world will interrupt my dreams again. is that all life is? avoidance? i'd like to think there's more, & i guess i know there is, but knowing nothing is real puts a damper on every event, even the ones that cause irresistible smiles, blushes, & giggles. it's easy to make wishes that will never come true. it's hard to force yourself to attempt to bring about the changes that could possibly create a desirable outcome. hopefully, someday soon, i'll decide that i'm tired of wishing, hoping, thinking, & praying, & i'll be ready to start doing. but i have a feeling it's not today.

the problem with addictions

i think is that they never really go away.. i mean, as i sit here, still contemplating whether or not to grab a razor & go to town, i wonder what makes me want to. i just watched this movie that involved cutting, & just the thought of it makes me so.. desirous? but why, after all this time, would i still want to go there? i'm much happier now. i'm much more comfortable & confident with myself & who i am. i know i'm a good person. so what makes the desire to cut so strong? have i just instilled it so deeply within my psyche that it's the only coping mechanism i know? will i ever be truly free of the want? doubtful. i mean, how can you go through something like that & then ever look at a razor in a normal way again? i doubt i'll ever be able to see one & not immediately go to that place within myself. but is it so inherently bad to visit a dark place like that, if i don't indulge myself? is it okay to just stop by, or pass through, without the intention of stopping to stay a while? i suppose the worry has more to do with the fact that i never had the intention of staying so long. & the scars are a constant reminder of what i've done & what i think of doing so often. & they'll certainly never go away. but would i want them to? i've said before that i'm not ashamed, which i still believe. maybe sometimes i think it'd be nice not to feel so damaged. but am i still damaged? does that ever go away? could i have fixed myself, more or less? maybe i'd be less likely to travel down that path if there was more of an incentive for avoiding the behavior. i mean, i know from experience what i get from doing it, but what do i get from not doing it? nothing. not even a sense of accomplishment. i just go on. which is all well & good, except that it isn't. the desire is still there. it's always in me. when i see a knife at work, or when i use one at home. seeing pills on television or in my cabinet. alcohol in the store or in my wine glass. even seeing a drunk person, a prescription drug addict, a fellow cutter.. it all comes back. & what can i make of it? i obviously still consider myself to be one. i don't think i'll ever lose that label, even if i'm the only one enforcing it. nobody ever talks about it. people don't really ask about it. it's just there, like a scarlet letter. hey, by the way, people, i'm kind-of crazy & tend to dabble in self-destruction. i identify so much with that part of myself. but how much of that is who i am? mathematically, it was a regular part of my life for about.. 4 years? & i'm 21, so that's like a fifth of my life? just about as long as i've been in the work force. another thing i identify myself strongly with. but that's not self-destructive of course. i just so love tragedy, & the torture. lol how weird is that? it makes me somehow sickeningly pleased. like seeing the red. perhaps in the beginning i just wanted to feel again. i remember feeling catatonic when we got to ID. i remember listening to the music i listened to, & feeling like there wasn't any light. i was addicted to the song "pain", maybe because i did feel so numb. or dead. zombie-esque, if you will. maybe i just wanted to feel something again, even if it was just pain. but that wasn't always the reason, right? it evolved. what did it become for me? sometimes it was relief, sometimes it was punishment.. i'm slightly ashamed to admit that sometimes it might've been boredom. loneliness, depression, self-loathing.. of all the reasons i have done it in the past, what is making me want to now? i use words like delicious to describe it. if that's not crazy & unbalanced, i don't know what is. anyway, i'm getting rather sleepy. & although i feel no sense of accomplishment, i have yet again managed to resist the urge. this boy could be helping. but who knows what he'll be like tomorrow, or the next day? he can be a little hot & cold sometimes.. i suppose i'm used to it by now. & if i'm going to give away my heart, i might as well do it for real & deal with the consequences. i know i'm strong, & i can make it. if it breaks, it breaks, but i can fix it. & i think the break will be worth how happy he makes me sometimes. claire has seen it, & i know too. we are who we are. maybe if i let myself go, if i can give myself away, a certain kind of freedom will come into my life. & maybe all the irresistible smiling & blushing & giggling will be good enough if & when it all ends. because if it does end, i'll know that it just wasn't right, & that there's something even better out there. i hope i remember all that when i'm sweeping up my heart.

so things are happening.

like i stepped down. yes, yes, i did. right now nothing is certain except that. milly told me she wants me in bakery, so i applied for a PT20 over there. hopefully i get it. she'd be great to work under, i have a feeling. plus, if i'm getting like 30 hours, i probably won't bother getting another job, since i'll be living at home. well, presumably. joey asked me today if i might want to live with him and his girl, since they're in a house. but that's worrisome. plus, he's very nice, cute, and sweet, so i have a feeling i might end up with a crush. which would obviously be bad. so that's not likely to happen at all. kristin is still a possibility, but not super likely either. probably i'll just end up at home like i thought. it'd be kinda nice to be with the girls again anyway, i guess.. well, kinda. i mean of course it'll probably blow at first, since i'm so used to being alone. but, eh. once i save some money, maybe i can get back out on my own again soon. we'll see. totally unrelated side note: i am so fucking tired of these glasses. it's been 2 years, and i can tell i need a new scrip. i'd like to switch back to contacts, but i'm worried about the price. plus, i might lose my insurance, at which point it will be way more expensive. but i don't really have money right now to spend on contacts, even if insurance covers some of it. i'll just have to go in and get it done, and then pay with my PWA or HSA or whatever the fuck. i should do that this month, before anything happens with my insurance. but probably after my trip. which kinda sucks, but.. oh well. they haven't seen me in these glasses really, anyway, so it's not really a big deal. i'm so excited. but i'm feeling so many other emotions too. so much is going on. i feel like i'm always saying that. will there eternally be so much going on? lol found out EC mike has a 6-month-old baby he just found out about recently. it's a possibility he could move back down to florida to be near the kid. so that could fall through before it even starts. or, it could become something. who knows? lol like i said before, though, i am a fucking mess and in no place for a man. speaking of, brendan is apparently dating some fucking virgin named jenny. he told me he thought i already knew, but i don't remember hearing about it. i blamed selective memory. that ass. i also found out sean had sex with some random girl from beta. fucking a, am i the only one in the world who isn't getting laid? not that i really want to anyway, unless it's with brendan. & how pathetic is that? ugh, i really need to let that fucker go. i can't believe how attached and crazy i got this time he came back. and then we weren't talking ish for a while, and then i felt him weaseling his way back in. i knew it was happening, and let it anyway. big mistake. i just hate having so much feeling for him and not getting it back. maybe just because i'm used to getting it back from him. but now, it's just gone. sucks. i really want to fucking write a song. actually several. it's extremely frustrating not to be able to find the words. or hear melodies. there's just so much i'd like to do and i feel like i can't really do any of it. god damn. this life. i guess that's all i have for now. adios, muchacho.

things are things.

& maybe i'm on an uphill climb for the moment. if i can stay focused on the right things, i should be able to reach the goals i have. i really should just forget about boys altogether.. i need to be good at my job - or i need to find a new one, i have to make sure i'm ready for this trip next month, that i can afford it, i need to make sure i know what the fuck i'm doing career-wise before june, when i have to move.. need to make sure i'm ready for college next semester. & i need to work on voice and piano. i have a feeling it's going to be difficult to think as highly of myself as is probably necessary.. but maybe i'll be able to fake it well enough. i'll take some classes, lessons, read some books... i want to be able to write songs.. it's killing me that i can't. i can't find the words, and i hope school will help. i'll have to start working on vocabulary before then. and spanish, too.. i like the idea of a bilingual song. anyway, that's all i have i guess. i just don't want to only post on here when i need to vent. i'm almost bipolar, so i'm just as happy half the time as i am upset the other half. well.. there are a lot of in-betweens too, but.. whatever. good fucking night. y'all.

dancing it out?

actually kinda works...sometimes. unless 30-somethings with teen daughters are around. totally unrelated: swagger found an ad on craigslist about me tonight! insane. lol some guy i bagged for the other day with whom i talked about gnocchi, but who can't spell the word 'gnocchi' correctly, even though he purchased the stuff. he's 33. & probably very nice, but i'm not going there. i'll deal with that if he asks me out at work. there was a very cute guy at EC tonight, though.. he drove us to the car in his little golf-cart thing because it was snowing. he was kinda flirting with mom, possibly with me...she says. anyway, i am in no position to start a relationship with anyone, i'm practically unhinged. i was so manic today. & i was aware of it at the time. lol it was weird, i kept stopping myself abruptly from doing things. maybe i shouldn't use the term manic like it's some medical symptom i have.. i was just being a spaz. anyway, i danced it out, i guess. it did help, to just force myself not to care what anybody else thought, if anyone was looking at me. of course i always feel like everyone is but probably nobody is. lol that's a little comforting.. so i just kinda said, 'fuck it.' but now i have to get up in like less than 5 hours. not going to be fun. & then i'm babysitting rilo after work, probably kinda late. that sucks. lol oh well, though, she's fun. hafta make sure i bring everything. who says i can't create masterpieces in crayon? ha. sooooooo i should go to bed. goodnight.

how can you pull yourself out of a funk

when the funk is keeping you down? like.. i feel like i don't exist, like i'm not real, not present.. like i'm looking through everything and not seeing any of it. my moods seem to be quite cyclical.. fine, good, fine, shit, gone, depressed, PMSing, MCing, PMSing, depressed, gone, shit, fine, begin again. lord mercy. sometimes i wonder if cutting would actually help. but i don't need to hear any arguments against it, friend; i know it's wrong. but sometimes i think maybe it'd help to have something else to focus on. HA! did i just say that? i have way too much to focus on without having to worry about all the anxiety that comes with that little habit. i also sometimes wish i could just be institutionalized. i wouldn't have to worry so much, presumably. except about offing myself or getting caught cutting or starving or something. how can one be such a functional crazy person as i? am i really functional? actually most of the time i feel very dysfunctional. so obviously the answer is that one can't be a functional crazy person like me, because i am not functioning properly. i wonder if it's a physical problem, or just psychological. can a psychological problem cause a physical problem? over the years of starving myself, convincing myself i wasn't hungry.. could that have changed my body? made it so that it really isn't hungry very often? did i somehow create neurological connections between cutting and relief? or smoking and relief, for that matter? or stress with food? & how can you change your opinion of yourself when it feels too much like fact and not opinion? i mean, aren't i the one who knows me best? probably most people who think they know me would say no. but how can anybody ever be sure of anything? or, i suppose a better question is how can everyone accept that they can never be sure of anything? how do all these people deal with the fact that they have no fucking clue about anything? reality isn't real. people lie. see what they want to see. don't they all know that? is this where religion becomes useful? to convince you that you matter? that you're important to someone or -thing that doesn't actually exist? i mean, geez, do i have to make up a fucking higher power just to escape the nonreality of life? what an interesting thought.. creating more unreality to deal with the pre-existing unreality. but how can it even exist if it's not real? language is just as unreal. it's intangible, made up by people nobody knows.. i make up language all the time. it can be manipulated. unlike time. time feels like the only true reality there is, and IT isn't real EITHER! it can't be. also intangible. just a device invented as a way to keep track of its own passing, i would assume. so how can they walk around every day, knowing nothing is real, knowing nothing matters, and still give a shit about anything? maybe that's another reason i give myself to smoke. both. to pass nonexistent time, to stop thoughts about unreality, to distract myself from the life at hand. *sigh* the life at hand. i've gotta do something.

i feel like

i'm falling apart. like i almost have to hug myself to keep all my parts together. i can't bring myself out of bed before noon, unless i have to get up for work. there's a party tonight that i think i wanted to go to, but now i just feel like they can't possibly want me there. they never want to do anything else with me outside of work, so why this time? she told me i'm the only one who hasn't realized i'm a leader yet. & she told me i need to get confident, because that's what's stopping me. but how the fuck can a person just GET confidence? that's not the way it works! i can't just pull it out of my ass. & i can pretend all i want, but that isn't helping anyone. i'm starting to drift down the suicidal river again, and i don't know how much strength i have left to start rowing backwards. sometimes i feel like i just want to be 21. maybe because i never got to be my age before, and now it's caught up with me. 21 year olds don't work in supervisory roles, telling people what to do and drowning in responsibilities. they work normal jobs, they're poor, and they figure out who they are and what to do with their lives. but i can't focus one second on my life because i'm too stressed about work. i need art and music and education, none of which i'm properly receiving right now. & i need to be able to breathe. & not do drugs or drink. i need to be able to eat and sleep and make myself get out of bed when i should be done sleeping. but i can't. i can't seem to do any of those things. maybe i'm just not strong enough to be a whole person. maybe i'm just one of those people who has to focus all their energy on work and forget about themselves. but then where will that leave me? horribly unhappy, like i am now. i can't even blame this on that monthly womanly bullshit, either. i swear, i feel like they have ruined all of my days off since i got those bad reviews. it's all i can think about when i'm not working; how shitty a job i'm doing and how it's ruining my life. i wanted to work at this store because i thought it'd be better than my last experience. in ways it is and in ways it's worse. they keep telling me i can do it, but whenever they say it, i just feel like it's a load of bullshit and there's no possible way. she said i can't let myself get in the way of it, like my thinking i can't do it is what's making me not be able to do it. she asked if i was ready to give up. but it's not giving up, it's just accepting the reality that i cannot do this job at this time. i really don't think i can. but if i lose this money, will i be able to afford to live? i have to move anyway, but my lease isn't up until june. i can't pay 815 a month for rent without making the money i make now. i can BARELY pay it at this pay rate. so what am i supposed to do? keep sucking it up, taking the bullshit, drugging my body so i can stop thinking, staying up superlate so i can sleep, staying in bed until the last second before i need to get up, crying about how i've fucked my life? i need to go to the doctor. but i don't have money for the doctor, i barely have money to support myself. and the first thing that gets cut when i'm saving money is food. so i have to stop eating so much. and no shopping whatsoever. but i continue to make poorer and poorer decisions. maybe i should get a second job, just in case. but then i'll never sleep, never eat, never have any time for anything except work. which isn't SO different from now. now i have time for other things, but i don't utilize it for anything but feeling sorry for myself and hating the state i'm in. sometimes i wish i didn't have a family, so i wouldn't have to feel guilty about ending it. they're the only thing keeping me here. otherwise, i feel like i would've been gone long ago. and what would i have missed? not much. i am in no state to go to a party and surround myself with the people who don't really know me and don't really want to. and who would want to anyway? all i am is a sack of lies and fakeness and i don't even know who i really am. who i want to be. because i don't want to be anybody, i just want to fade away. and i'm still attempting that last, as i have been for years. if i keep starving, keep drugging, keep sleeping, maybe eventually i will fade away and no one will see me anymore. and what lie will i make up to avoid going out tonight? sorry, kristi can't come to the phone right now, she's drowning herself in her own misery. yeah, pretty pathetic, huh? why can't i seem to find real joy in anything? everything comes at a price. my moods shift like the weather in colorado. four seasons in one day. it happens. maybe i really should be medicated. i've been off for, what, like 2 months, maybe? was i happier before? what about the other factors? is being alone causing a strain? at least my parents are close by, in case i lose everything. but that's not fair. why can't i just be a capable woman? and why should this random customer give me the time of day? i am absolutely a mental case. i should be institutionalized. he shouldn't want anything to do with me. probably he doesn't, anyway. and what would i show him, were he to actually be interested? hi, i'm kristi, i work at WFM, for now, until i get fired for doing a horrid job, i don't know what i'm doing with my life, i have no direction, no drive, no motivation, and no true happiness. want to start a relationship? rachael said i can't wait for everything to be perfect, because it'll never happen. which is true, but am i really in a good place right now to share myself with someone? because that still means for me that i ignore myself and switch my focus. but i'm still unhappy. and who wants to be around a downer all the time? no one. that's probably half the reason sean left me. fucking twice. i wouldn't want to live with me either. i can hardly blame him. and brendan, why would he want to keep talking to me when i'm like this? i can't blame any of them for leaving me. what's the common denominator in these situations? it's not the guys, it's me. me and my load of problems that i carry on my shoulders. i just can't seem to find any joy.. i'm getting too depressed to type. i'll end this now and just keep thinking in circles. actually, more likely i'll do some drugs and drink some wine so i can stop thinking about all this in such a destructive way. then i must force myself to go to the bank. and interact with the public. which, somehow, is not my strong suit when i am not at work. so goodbye for now. i'm glad i have somewhere to complain without comment or judgment. oh! hey, look there, i just found a tiny bit of joy. that's a step, right?