life poses so many unanswerable questions.

how can one make sense of it all? with virtually no knowledge in a world so vast & saturated in a lack of understanding, how can anyone be sure they're making the right decisions? "right" is so subjective, anyhow. claire said i can never be sure i'm making the right decision, but that i should make it anyway, "head first with no regrets." no holds barred. is that to say i should up & move to missouri to try a relationship which may or may not work, with a boy who may or may not love me? no. i mean wouldn't i fucking love to, but i can't let myself. i have to maintain the track i'm on. i'm trying to better myself, after all, & who can truly love someone who doesn't love herself? no man i know. & i want my love fucking real. i need it to be real. i need to feel it in my heart, soul, mind, knees, stomach, & everywhere in between. i need it to fill me up, & fuel my actions. i just need it to be fucking real. but isn't it always real? i mean i tell people all the time i love them, & i mean it. but what does that even really mean? maybe she's right, & i'll never be sure. but perhaps i will. everyone says "you just know", & i haven't yet decided whether or not i believe that, but.. i suppose it could be a comforting thought. does claire really know? did my parents really know? or did they just think they knew? or did they subconsciously know the whole time that it wasn't right & they weren't willing to admit it to themselves until the last straws? & what about all of the changes people go through in life? what if, as a species, scientifically, we aren't supposed to be monogamous for our whole lives? i mean, i still believe that i was meant to be with everyone i have been with, but is that also to say that i'll continue to meet men i'm meant to be with? how can i reassure myself that this is the one? & is my uncertainty by itself a huge red flag telling me right to my face that he isn't the one? then i come back to whether or not there really is a "one", or whether there are several ones. am i refusing to acknowledge to myself what i possibly already know deep down? am i willing to admit that i know that he isn't the one? why should i be so terrified of what i know, when all i'm complaining about is not knowing? what if i do know, & i won't let myself know that i know? oh my god, i'm just typing in circles. do i need to be with some other "meant-to-be"s before i can be sure that he's the last one? & who's to say my feelings are even real anyway? i mean, in fact, feelings aren't real. i mean, nothing is real. so what the fuck? what are you supposed to do with that information? i won't go down that road at present; it will lead me to too many more unanswerable questions. & i have enough of those on my plate already. okay, so life is what you make of it. & what have i made? nothing. maybe some art, some poetry, some people smile. but what have i really done? learned? i hate being aware of the meaninglessness of everything. i almost feel like ignorance might be bliss in that instance. the big problem i'm having is that i don't know what any of this means, or what i feel, or what is genuine. but the one thing i do know - that nobody knows anything - is the one thing i wish i didn't know. in a literal sense, all of my questions are impossible to answer, because there exist no true answers. for once, my typing all this out has done nothing whatsoever to comfort my aching heart. i long for fantasy, for romance, for a life i imagine. but i don't want to do any of the work it will take to create that life for myself. i'm not so willing to put in the immense time & effort it will inevitably take to have the things i so desire. so where does that leave me? exactly where i started. standing in the middle of a road, with endless directions to choose from. innumerable choices to be made. everything is uncertain & nothing makes sense, because nothing truly exists. i can try to go to work, go to school, go to bars, but what am i doing, really? & where am i going? & what good does any of it do me? i suppose it staves off the boredom. but if i can't trust what i think or how i feel, what is there left to help me take action? so should i just surrender unto myself? how can i pull myself up & out & into the world? & in deciding "what to do" for the rest of my life, will i ever be certain? will i ever be sure of anything, ever? maybe this is why i turn to drugs. i don't have these days as often when my brain is being regulated by outside factors. i'm only a few days off, so they haven't even cleared my system fully. it's about 7 PM now, & i think i've waited long enough to start drinking. i can't handle this circular thinking anymore for today. i need to be distracted. so that, once again, as always, i can avoid my problems, insecurities, uncertainties, & fill my time with meaningless, unrealistic fantasies until tomorrow, at which point the real world will interrupt my dreams again. is that all life is? avoidance? i'd like to think there's more, & i guess i know there is, but knowing nothing is real puts a damper on every event, even the ones that cause irresistible smiles, blushes, & giggles. it's easy to make wishes that will never come true. it's hard to force yourself to attempt to bring about the changes that could possibly create a desirable outcome. hopefully, someday soon, i'll decide that i'm tired of wishing, hoping, thinking, & praying, & i'll be ready to start doing. but i have a feeling it's not today.

the problem with addictions

i think is that they never really go away.. i mean, as i sit here, still contemplating whether or not to grab a razor & go to town, i wonder what makes me want to. i just watched this movie that involved cutting, & just the thought of it makes me so.. desirous? but why, after all this time, would i still want to go there? i'm much happier now. i'm much more comfortable & confident with myself & who i am. i know i'm a good person. so what makes the desire to cut so strong? have i just instilled it so deeply within my psyche that it's the only coping mechanism i know? will i ever be truly free of the want? doubtful. i mean, how can you go through something like that & then ever look at a razor in a normal way again? i doubt i'll ever be able to see one & not immediately go to that place within myself. but is it so inherently bad to visit a dark place like that, if i don't indulge myself? is it okay to just stop by, or pass through, without the intention of stopping to stay a while? i suppose the worry has more to do with the fact that i never had the intention of staying so long. & the scars are a constant reminder of what i've done & what i think of doing so often. & they'll certainly never go away. but would i want them to? i've said before that i'm not ashamed, which i still believe. maybe sometimes i think it'd be nice not to feel so damaged. but am i still damaged? does that ever go away? could i have fixed myself, more or less? maybe i'd be less likely to travel down that path if there was more of an incentive for avoiding the behavior. i mean, i know from experience what i get from doing it, but what do i get from not doing it? nothing. not even a sense of accomplishment. i just go on. which is all well & good, except that it isn't. the desire is still there. it's always in me. when i see a knife at work, or when i use one at home. seeing pills on television or in my cabinet. alcohol in the store or in my wine glass. even seeing a drunk person, a prescription drug addict, a fellow cutter.. it all comes back. & what can i make of it? i obviously still consider myself to be one. i don't think i'll ever lose that label, even if i'm the only one enforcing it. nobody ever talks about it. people don't really ask about it. it's just there, like a scarlet letter. hey, by the way, people, i'm kind-of crazy & tend to dabble in self-destruction. i identify so much with that part of myself. but how much of that is who i am? mathematically, it was a regular part of my life for about.. 4 years? & i'm 21, so that's like a fifth of my life? just about as long as i've been in the work force. another thing i identify myself strongly with. but that's not self-destructive of course. i just so love tragedy, & the torture. lol how weird is that? it makes me somehow sickeningly pleased. like seeing the red. perhaps in the beginning i just wanted to feel again. i remember feeling catatonic when we got to ID. i remember listening to the music i listened to, & feeling like there wasn't any light. i was addicted to the song "pain", maybe because i did feel so numb. or dead. zombie-esque, if you will. maybe i just wanted to feel something again, even if it was just pain. but that wasn't always the reason, right? it evolved. what did it become for me? sometimes it was relief, sometimes it was punishment.. i'm slightly ashamed to admit that sometimes it might've been boredom. loneliness, depression, self-loathing.. of all the reasons i have done it in the past, what is making me want to now? i use words like delicious to describe it. if that's not crazy & unbalanced, i don't know what is. anyway, i'm getting rather sleepy. & although i feel no sense of accomplishment, i have yet again managed to resist the urge. this boy could be helping. but who knows what he'll be like tomorrow, or the next day? he can be a little hot & cold sometimes.. i suppose i'm used to it by now. & if i'm going to give away my heart, i might as well do it for real & deal with the consequences. i know i'm strong, & i can make it. if it breaks, it breaks, but i can fix it. & i think the break will be worth how happy he makes me sometimes. claire has seen it, & i know too. we are who we are. maybe if i let myself go, if i can give myself away, a certain kind of freedom will come into my life. & maybe all the irresistible smiling & blushing & giggling will be good enough if & when it all ends. because if it does end, i'll know that it just wasn't right, & that there's something even better out there. i hope i remember all that when i'm sweeping up my heart.

so things are happening.

like i stepped down. yes, yes, i did. right now nothing is certain except that. milly told me she wants me in bakery, so i applied for a PT20 over there. hopefully i get it. she'd be great to work under, i have a feeling. plus, if i'm getting like 30 hours, i probably won't bother getting another job, since i'll be living at home. well, presumably. joey asked me today if i might want to live with him and his girl, since they're in a house. but that's worrisome. plus, he's very nice, cute, and sweet, so i have a feeling i might end up with a crush. which would obviously be bad. so that's not likely to happen at all. kristin is still a possibility, but not super likely either. probably i'll just end up at home like i thought. it'd be kinda nice to be with the girls again anyway, i guess.. well, kinda. i mean of course it'll probably blow at first, since i'm so used to being alone. but, eh. once i save some money, maybe i can get back out on my own again soon. we'll see. totally unrelated side note: i am so fucking tired of these glasses. it's been 2 years, and i can tell i need a new scrip. i'd like to switch back to contacts, but i'm worried about the price. plus, i might lose my insurance, at which point it will be way more expensive. but i don't really have money right now to spend on contacts, even if insurance covers some of it. i'll just have to go in and get it done, and then pay with my PWA or HSA or whatever the fuck. i should do that this month, before anything happens with my insurance. but probably after my trip. which kinda sucks, but.. oh well. they haven't seen me in these glasses really, anyway, so it's not really a big deal. i'm so excited. but i'm feeling so many other emotions too. so much is going on. i feel like i'm always saying that. will there eternally be so much going on? lol found out EC mike has a 6-month-old baby he just found out about recently. it's a possibility he could move back down to florida to be near the kid. so that could fall through before it even starts. or, it could become something. who knows? lol like i said before, though, i am a fucking mess and in no place for a man. speaking of, brendan is apparently dating some fucking virgin named jenny. he told me he thought i already knew, but i don't remember hearing about it. i blamed selective memory. that ass. i also found out sean had sex with some random girl from beta. fucking a, am i the only one in the world who isn't getting laid? not that i really want to anyway, unless it's with brendan. & how pathetic is that? ugh, i really need to let that fucker go. i can't believe how attached and crazy i got this time he came back. and then we weren't talking ish for a while, and then i felt him weaseling his way back in. i knew it was happening, and let it anyway. big mistake. i just hate having so much feeling for him and not getting it back. maybe just because i'm used to getting it back from him. but now, it's just gone. sucks. i really want to fucking write a song. actually several. it's extremely frustrating not to be able to find the words. or hear melodies. there's just so much i'd like to do and i feel like i can't really do any of it. god damn. this life. i guess that's all i have for now. adios, muchacho.

things are things.

& maybe i'm on an uphill climb for the moment. if i can stay focused on the right things, i should be able to reach the goals i have. i really should just forget about boys altogether.. i need to be good at my job - or i need to find a new one, i have to make sure i'm ready for this trip next month, that i can afford it, i need to make sure i know what the fuck i'm doing career-wise before june, when i have to move.. need to make sure i'm ready for college next semester. & i need to work on voice and piano. i have a feeling it's going to be difficult to think as highly of myself as is probably necessary.. but maybe i'll be able to fake it well enough. i'll take some classes, lessons, read some books... i want to be able to write songs.. it's killing me that i can't. i can't find the words, and i hope school will help. i'll have to start working on vocabulary before then. and spanish, too.. i like the idea of a bilingual song. anyway, that's all i have i guess. i just don't want to only post on here when i need to vent. i'm almost bipolar, so i'm just as happy half the time as i am upset the other half. well.. there are a lot of in-betweens too, but.. whatever. good fucking night. y'all.

dancing it out?

actually kinda works...sometimes. unless 30-somethings with teen daughters are around. totally unrelated: swagger found an ad on craigslist about me tonight! insane. lol some guy i bagged for the other day with whom i talked about gnocchi, but who can't spell the word 'gnocchi' correctly, even though he purchased the stuff. he's 33. & probably very nice, but i'm not going there. i'll deal with that if he asks me out at work. there was a very cute guy at EC tonight, though.. he drove us to the car in his little golf-cart thing because it was snowing. he was kinda flirting with mom, possibly with me...she says. anyway, i am in no position to start a relationship with anyone, i'm practically unhinged. i was so manic today. & i was aware of it at the time. lol it was weird, i kept stopping myself abruptly from doing things. maybe i shouldn't use the term manic like it's some medical symptom i have.. i was just being a spaz. anyway, i danced it out, i guess. it did help, to just force myself not to care what anybody else thought, if anyone was looking at me. of course i always feel like everyone is but probably nobody is. lol that's a little comforting.. so i just kinda said, 'fuck it.' but now i have to get up in like less than 5 hours. not going to be fun. & then i'm babysitting rilo after work, probably kinda late. that sucks. lol oh well, though, she's fun. hafta make sure i bring everything. who says i can't create masterpieces in crayon? ha. sooooooo i should go to bed. goodnight.

how can you pull yourself out of a funk

when the funk is keeping you down? like.. i feel like i don't exist, like i'm not real, not present.. like i'm looking through everything and not seeing any of it. my moods seem to be quite cyclical.. fine, good, fine, shit, gone, depressed, PMSing, MCing, PMSing, depressed, gone, shit, fine, begin again. lord mercy. sometimes i wonder if cutting would actually help. but i don't need to hear any arguments against it, friend; i know it's wrong. but sometimes i think maybe it'd help to have something else to focus on. HA! did i just say that? i have way too much to focus on without having to worry about all the anxiety that comes with that little habit. i also sometimes wish i could just be institutionalized. i wouldn't have to worry so much, presumably. except about offing myself or getting caught cutting or starving or something. how can one be such a functional crazy person as i? am i really functional? actually most of the time i feel very dysfunctional. so obviously the answer is that one can't be a functional crazy person like me, because i am not functioning properly. i wonder if it's a physical problem, or just psychological. can a psychological problem cause a physical problem? over the years of starving myself, convincing myself i wasn't hungry.. could that have changed my body? made it so that it really isn't hungry very often? did i somehow create neurological connections between cutting and relief? or smoking and relief, for that matter? or stress with food? & how can you change your opinion of yourself when it feels too much like fact and not opinion? i mean, aren't i the one who knows me best? probably most people who think they know me would say no. but how can anybody ever be sure of anything? or, i suppose a better question is how can everyone accept that they can never be sure of anything? how do all these people deal with the fact that they have no fucking clue about anything? reality isn't real. people lie. see what they want to see. don't they all know that? is this where religion becomes useful? to convince you that you matter? that you're important to someone or -thing that doesn't actually exist? i mean, geez, do i have to make up a fucking higher power just to escape the nonreality of life? what an interesting thought.. creating more unreality to deal with the pre-existing unreality. but how can it even exist if it's not real? language is just as unreal. it's intangible, made up by people nobody knows.. i make up language all the time. it can be manipulated. unlike time. time feels like the only true reality there is, and IT isn't real EITHER! it can't be. also intangible. just a device invented as a way to keep track of its own passing, i would assume. so how can they walk around every day, knowing nothing is real, knowing nothing matters, and still give a shit about anything? maybe that's another reason i give myself to smoke. both. to pass nonexistent time, to stop thoughts about unreality, to distract myself from the life at hand. *sigh* the life at hand. i've gotta do something.

i feel like

i'm falling apart. like i almost have to hug myself to keep all my parts together. i can't bring myself out of bed before noon, unless i have to get up for work. there's a party tonight that i think i wanted to go to, but now i just feel like they can't possibly want me there. they never want to do anything else with me outside of work, so why this time? she told me i'm the only one who hasn't realized i'm a leader yet. & she told me i need to get confident, because that's what's stopping me. but how the fuck can a person just GET confidence? that's not the way it works! i can't just pull it out of my ass. & i can pretend all i want, but that isn't helping anyone. i'm starting to drift down the suicidal river again, and i don't know how much strength i have left to start rowing backwards. sometimes i feel like i just want to be 21. maybe because i never got to be my age before, and now it's caught up with me. 21 year olds don't work in supervisory roles, telling people what to do and drowning in responsibilities. they work normal jobs, they're poor, and they figure out who they are and what to do with their lives. but i can't focus one second on my life because i'm too stressed about work. i need art and music and education, none of which i'm properly receiving right now. & i need to be able to breathe. & not do drugs or drink. i need to be able to eat and sleep and make myself get out of bed when i should be done sleeping. but i can't. i can't seem to do any of those things. maybe i'm just not strong enough to be a whole person. maybe i'm just one of those people who has to focus all their energy on work and forget about themselves. but then where will that leave me? horribly unhappy, like i am now. i can't even blame this on that monthly womanly bullshit, either. i swear, i feel like they have ruined all of my days off since i got those bad reviews. it's all i can think about when i'm not working; how shitty a job i'm doing and how it's ruining my life. i wanted to work at this store because i thought it'd be better than my last experience. in ways it is and in ways it's worse. they keep telling me i can do it, but whenever they say it, i just feel like it's a load of bullshit and there's no possible way. she said i can't let myself get in the way of it, like my thinking i can't do it is what's making me not be able to do it. she asked if i was ready to give up. but it's not giving up, it's just accepting the reality that i cannot do this job at this time. i really don't think i can. but if i lose this money, will i be able to afford to live? i have to move anyway, but my lease isn't up until june. i can't pay 815 a month for rent without making the money i make now. i can BARELY pay it at this pay rate. so what am i supposed to do? keep sucking it up, taking the bullshit, drugging my body so i can stop thinking, staying up superlate so i can sleep, staying in bed until the last second before i need to get up, crying about how i've fucked my life? i need to go to the doctor. but i don't have money for the doctor, i barely have money to support myself. and the first thing that gets cut when i'm saving money is food. so i have to stop eating so much. and no shopping whatsoever. but i continue to make poorer and poorer decisions. maybe i should get a second job, just in case. but then i'll never sleep, never eat, never have any time for anything except work. which isn't SO different from now. now i have time for other things, but i don't utilize it for anything but feeling sorry for myself and hating the state i'm in. sometimes i wish i didn't have a family, so i wouldn't have to feel guilty about ending it. they're the only thing keeping me here. otherwise, i feel like i would've been gone long ago. and what would i have missed? not much. i am in no state to go to a party and surround myself with the people who don't really know me and don't really want to. and who would want to anyway? all i am is a sack of lies and fakeness and i don't even know who i really am. who i want to be. because i don't want to be anybody, i just want to fade away. and i'm still attempting that last, as i have been for years. if i keep starving, keep drugging, keep sleeping, maybe eventually i will fade away and no one will see me anymore. and what lie will i make up to avoid going out tonight? sorry, kristi can't come to the phone right now, she's drowning herself in her own misery. yeah, pretty pathetic, huh? why can't i seem to find real joy in anything? everything comes at a price. my moods shift like the weather in colorado. four seasons in one day. it happens. maybe i really should be medicated. i've been off for, what, like 2 months, maybe? was i happier before? what about the other factors? is being alone causing a strain? at least my parents are close by, in case i lose everything. but that's not fair. why can't i just be a capable woman? and why should this random customer give me the time of day? i am absolutely a mental case. i should be institutionalized. he shouldn't want anything to do with me. probably he doesn't, anyway. and what would i show him, were he to actually be interested? hi, i'm kristi, i work at WFM, for now, until i get fired for doing a horrid job, i don't know what i'm doing with my life, i have no direction, no drive, no motivation, and no true happiness. want to start a relationship? rachael said i can't wait for everything to be perfect, because it'll never happen. which is true, but am i really in a good place right now to share myself with someone? because that still means for me that i ignore myself and switch my focus. but i'm still unhappy. and who wants to be around a downer all the time? no one. that's probably half the reason sean left me. fucking twice. i wouldn't want to live with me either. i can hardly blame him. and brendan, why would he want to keep talking to me when i'm like this? i can't blame any of them for leaving me. what's the common denominator in these situations? it's not the guys, it's me. me and my load of problems that i carry on my shoulders. i just can't seem to find any joy.. i'm getting too depressed to type. i'll end this now and just keep thinking in circles. actually, more likely i'll do some drugs and drink some wine so i can stop thinking about all this in such a destructive way. then i must force myself to go to the bank. and interact with the public. which, somehow, is not my strong suit when i am not at work. so goodbye for now. i'm glad i have somewhere to complain without comment or judgment. oh! hey, look there, i just found a tiny bit of joy. that's a step, right?

who to be..

it's a difficult decision. they tell me i need to see myself as a leader. but i'm not one. i don't really even want to be one. that's not who i am. i don't like telling people what to do. what do i like about leadership? i'm okay with responsibility. i'm dependable and nice and fair. but maybe i don't wanna be a leader. i've never been that kind of girl. i'm a follower. i do what i'm told, and i do it as well as i can. but is that enough? am i okay with that? besides, right now i'm being told to be a leader. will i do that? can i? i don't even know if i'm capable. i've been in a so-called leadership role for like the past 2 years. how has it worked out for me? it hasn't. maybe i should step down and just be a cashier. but i can't afford another fucking pay cut. i just can't. i can barely afford where i am right now. if i lose even another dollar an hour, i don't know if i could handle it. maybe it is time to move. but isn't that running away? going to a different store won't make me any better a leader. if i maybe transfer to a different store as a cashier, and then go to school. but what for? WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY FUCKING LIFE? i can't stay here forever. won't. i refuse to remain in retail for the rest of my life. but how much of my life am i willing to spend there? is all this really beneficial for me? i'm being pushed in a certain direction. how do i know that's the way i wanna go? well, obviously it isn't, since i'm putting up such a fight. but would it be so bad to learn new skills? is leadership a skill? i wouldn't consider it one. at least not one i'm dying to have a hold on. fuck leadership. it's not my place. it's not what i want. so why am i here? fucking money. and because i knew i was worth more than just bagging people's groceries and pushing carts. then i was worth more than selling lotto tickets and money orders. then i was worth more than safeway. now, am i worth more than whole foods? do i think i'm too good for them? no. just not right. this just isn't what i want for my life. the company has good values, ish, but it's still a company. still a corporation. but anywhere i go, that's where i'll be, right? so should i just accept that i at least work for a slightly-better-than-the-competition corporation? still not okay with me. i hate what they're doing to our country. corporations, that is. not that they're alone. everyone's fucking us all over and we're letting them. because what the fuck are we gonna do about it? absolutely nothing. we all need money to live. and we'll do almost anything to keep it coming. like me. i'll go in for my next shift, bottle up everything i'm feeling, put on the fakest smile and attitude anyone's ever seen, and then i'll probably have to hear about how fake i'm being and how they need me to be real happy. with a real positive attitude. i just feel like nothing will ever be good enough, because this isn't what i'm meant to do. if only i could figure the fuck out what i am supposed to do. how can i make a decision to leave here, leave everything i've worked for, if i don't know where i'm going to go, or what to work for next? but how can i keep playing along when i know this isn't what i want? friend, i know you're reading this.. and you know who you are, because you're the only one who reads my stupid blog. how do you do it? can you fake it every day? how can you hold onto who you are, in the midst of showing basically the whole rest of the world who you're not? you have a few years' experience on me. how have you held it together? do you feel the way i feel?

sometimes everything just sucks.

& i try to fix it. i try to be all gung-ho about it, too. i get all excited & worked up & positive. & then everything still sucks. so i get depressed. start thinking very low. like the lowest C on a flute, low. i think all manner of crazy, upsetting things. meanwhile, everything still sucks. maybe even more than before. so, then i get tired. i get exhausted, because, might i say, depression is quite tiresome. & putting on a phony face every day is horribly draining. i get so tired it becomes work to breathe & extra work to smile & make conversation. obviously, everything still sucking. usually i have to hit some bottom before i decide once again to shape up or ship out. i tell myself, "Self, this is your damn life, & it ain't gettin' any easier, & nobody's gonna fix it for you." i remember that i'm the only one who makes choices in my life. i'm the only one in control of myself. (right?) i'm the one standing in the way of my own damn happiness. because i can't let myself be happy? am i really choosing to be unhappy? in a way, definitely yes: my actions are what causes my moods, right? i choose not to eat, i choose not to take any medication, i choose to do all this negative to my body, so what do i expect to happen? well, i expect to be happy anyway, for some reason. but is that logical? or even possible? i can't help but feel like i'm losing my true self by continuing to try to change myself. but maybe i'm just losing my old self. which could be good, right? but how can you keep those selves in tact? i guess i'm worried that if i make too many changes, i'll become somebody i don't want to be, & be lost. but then, do i really want to be who i am now? do i want to be who i've been? a resounding No. so, then? what the fuck? i guess i'm just confused. like usual. will i ever not be confused?

selves are complicated.

are you who you choose to be? if you choose to be a certain person, are you choosing to be yourself or to be someone else? how can you tell the difference between just being yourself and being who you want to be? what if you choose to be who you don't want to be? people wear so many masks, no one can ever really know what's beneath the surface. we choose to know what we are told. what our senses tell us is true. but the brain is a dirty rotten liar, ya know. it makes up whatever it wants. who's to say what reality is? what is real? in truth, nothing. ha, but what is truth? apparently everything is nothing. & from humanity's realization that everything is truly nothing, thus sprang forth religion? perhaps. but not for me, i daresay. in a way i suppose i might consider myself content to play only my one insignificant part in this huge unreality. i find it much more comforting to know that i only have to put up with the bullshit for 80 years more, at most, and that i have potentially 80 more years of good stuff to make the rest worth it. i'm okay to be done after that. anyone who knows me well knows i'm a girl who loves to sleep late. i'd sleep forever if i could. oh! & there we go. when it's all said and done, i will sleep forever. alas, i digress...
shouldn't it be effortless to be yourself? isn't that what the term means, essentially? be who you are and don't try to be someone you're not. so can you try to be someone you are? or are you just who you are and that's it? if you decide to be a certain person, does your self change? how can you decipher which part of you is your effortless self and which is your effortful, if you will, self? maybe i should study a little more psychology. and perhaps philosophy as well. or maybe it's just the wine thinking.. whatever. i am who i am. or am i? :P

i still hate being alive.

most of the time. i'm going to try listing.

what am i upset about?

• i'm not doing a good enough job at work
• how so?
• i did a shit job with incentives
• how so?
• nothing was clearly set up in the beginning and then stuck to.
• we didn't do power hours like we were supposed to.
• there wasn't enough communication about it, with TMs, etc.
• now i'm falling behind because some things fell through.
• what can be done?
• learn for next year.
• still to do:
• plan party for Sharks (talk to Aria about scheduling, Laura(?) about the how-to's?)
• order t-shirts (get design, get sizes, get pricing)
• get GCs for best TMs with leftover budget
• i'm no better at dealing with down time
• what can be done?
• pay attention
• make a list of "to be done in down time" things?
• talk to everyone about things they need done
• i'm so not prepared for whole planet
• what can be done?
• think ideas for events
• meet with FJ, Aria, Dani, Jenilee
• be prepared for power hours, events, etc.
• take damn good fuckin notes.
• i can't think of any ways to help the team with the logbook
• utilizing the board for logbook questions?
• every time something new is posted in the book, write a question or note about it on the board
• asking every TM when they come down if they have checked, to get them into the habit of every day checking.
• daily questions every time new things are posted
• let sups know about new things, so they can answer questions and also make sure TMs are reading
• the team isn't involved enough in LPI
• what can be done?
• note on the board LPI topic of the month, random facts, last audit score, etc
• keep clear holder on 6/7 with monthly LPI note, highlighting important stuff
• create daily questions when we have new info
• i'm being too much of a friend, not enough of a leader
• what can be done?
• no asking for rides.
• hold everyone accountable
• be more serious.
• they want me to be ready to advance in a year
• so what?
• i don't know if i even want to advance at all, especially in only a year's time!
• i only wanted to get my hours in so i could volunteer with whole planet
• do i still even want to do that?
• i don't know. i want to help people, right?
• it will help me gain perspective
• it will be TRULY meaningful work
• i'll leave the country, get away for a while, change of scenery, change of habits, change of everything
• yes, i need to do it. but can i?
• i don't even know how long i want to stay in grocery
• what can be done?
• nothing but waiting, thinking and deciding
• i don't even know what i want to do with my life!
• what can be done?
• nothing but waiting, thinking and deciding
• i am no closer to a license or a car
• what can be done?
• read the manual
• take the test, get a permit
• get someone to teach me how
• get a license
• save some fucking money
• buy a car
• get started!
• i'm not going to school this semester
• what can be done?
• nothing now. apply again next semester.
• make sure i'm ready to go when the time comes around again
• stop worrying about it for now.
• i have more addictions now than i did a few months ago
• what can be done?
• am i really ready to give them up?
• if so, get on it. if not, stop worrying about it for now.
• i look absolutely wretched
• what can be done?
• new acne medication? check.
• nothing else. i'm stuck with my face for the rest of my life, so i can stop worrying about it.
• i'm paying too much for my apartment
• what can be done?
• nothing until June when i move out!
• stop worrying about it for now.
• i still have no pets
• what can be done?
• nothing until June when i move out!
• stop worrying about it for now.
• i still have trouble eating properly
• what can be done?
• all i can do is try, which i am
• stop worrying and start eating.

okay, that did help maybe a little. just to organize, to help think clearly. i'm still upset. but i guess i know what i have to do. right?