i'm moving into my apartment tomorrow!

it's very exciting. i'm still worried, ya know, but i worked out a very rough budget tonight & i think i'm gonna be okay. now i still don't know who i'm gonna get for cable & internet, but i'm leaning toward comcast. i guess we'll see. there's still so much stuff i need... *sigh* anyway, it's still exciting. so tomorrow i hafta move all my shit, & then set up what i can, & then pick up my mattress & set that up & then get all my shit outta bill's truck & set THAT all up.. make sure i have lighting in there.. anyway, i'm tired & distracted so goodnight.

i had a horrible recurring nightmare last night.

& i woke up very frightened & worried & i was out of it & destroyed & spooked all day long. i don't remember all of it, but.. i know i've had it before. & i checked out dreammoods & read about it some too.. it makes sense. but as i told the boy, i do enjoy my horoscopes & such so maybe i'm just creating my own worries.. my interpretation may be skewed.. anyway...
so i remember being on some kind of train or something, on the way to the airport, with some scary man who had kidnapped me. he was making me go somewhere with him. i don't know where or why or even who he was, just that i kept trying to lose him & i kept failing miserably. i tried to escape on the train, & he just found me. & all i remember is this horrible feeling i had. like.. i felt trapped &.. i can't even describe it. i felt like a living, breathing anxiety attack. anyway.. so i remember the train stopping & us getting off, & obviously he couldn't like be super obvious about having kidnapped me, so he couldn't like me dragging me or anything...
anyway so once we get off the train i start BOOKing it up this steep fucking hill, to the airport, trying to get away from this motherfucker, & he's just hauling ass after me & i can't seem to get away. it's like every second i look back & he's closer & closer & i can't go any faster but i feel like i should be able to but i can't & i just have all this damn luggage on me & it won't let me move quicker & i'm out of breath & dying & i just need to get away!!! anyway so he kinda half-caught me a couple times, but somehow i managed to get into the airport like a second or two ahead of him & i'm like bawling with wide eyes & i'm like a bunny dying of fright & nobody notices me at all, they just keep going about their airport business like nothing's happening, like this horrible man isn't chasing me & trying to steal me away somewhere & so then i think i tried to get to the desk to tell the people but he caught me or something & made me sit down just with that horrible scary look. so then i do of course, shaking from scaredness & he goes to talk to some guy about checking our bags. so i'm like, well maybe if i don't check them then i can sneak on another plane or something, i dunno, i just feel like letting them check my bags will totally be the end of all hope i have of escaping. so i'm very fucking protective of my shit. so anyway, the baggage guy comes over & mentions checking them & tries to take them from me & i'm like no, please, you have to help me, that man has kidnapped me & he's trying to take me somewhere & i just don't wanna check my bags, i'll just carry them on, & all this stuff i tell him, & he pretty much took it in nonchalantly & like oh, really? & blah, blah & i'm pretty sure then he was like hitting on me & then the kidnapper man finally came over & all it took was one look & then the baggage guy like ditched out fierce & then kidnapper man like grabbed my arm or something like really hard & this is when i started to wake up ish & be in & out of sleep & trying to get away & i just remember the whole dream all i kept trying to do was get away from him & for some reason i could not leave my stuff so i had to carry it with me. anyway i know there was more, but that's all i can remember right now..
so. i went on dream moods & looked up lotsa stuff. & what i have found is:
being chased (as well as running) says that i'm trying to avoid an issue. likely the fact that i didn't know who was chasing me signifies that what i'm avoiding is an aspect (or aspects) of myself. the inability to make my feet move fast enough represents low self-esteem & self-confidence. since the man is always gaining on me & i can't seem to escape, it is suggested that my problem is not going to go away; this being further illustrated in the fact that this has been a recurring nightmare, which means my subconscious is trying REALLY hard to get me to notice this problem. the kidnapping suggests that i'm feeling trapped or restricted, as if someone or something is diverting my attention from my goals or keeping me from moving forward; this is further illustrated in the literal luggage that i'm carrying with me. i am figuratively carrying around a lot of "baggage" which i am unable to or refuse to let go of. it continuously weighs me down & keeps me from moving forward, particularly at the right speed, but still i hang onto it. a busy airport is representative of a new chapter of life, in a way. it indicates a desire for freedom, ambition, & hope. the fact that i'm scared & reluctant to leave says to me that i don't feel ready to take the flight, & the kidnapping tells me that the change is so necessary that i'm finally just being forced into it by circumstances, since i'm so unwilling to do it on my own.
after summarizing in my head, i feel that my anger & fear may have been misplaced. i'm holding mySELF back, not the scary man. in fact, in a way he's urging me forward. i'm ready to start a new chapter in my life, but i can't seem to take the first step. all of my worry & stress & "baggage" is holding me back, as is my low self-esteem & lack of self-confidence. along with repressed emotions which need to see the light. also, i know i'm not living up to my potential, & i do not like that feeling. it's causing anxiety & depression all its own, on top of the already visible.. *sigh* i'm too tired to analyze this further. i'm going to try to sleep withOUT having terrible dreams. bonne nuit.

god damn motherfucking visa motherfuckers.

those fucking assholes fucking kept giving me these god damn insufficient funds messages instead of just fucking letting me buy my god damn motherfucking plane ticket. there was enough fucking money on that motherfucking card the whole fucking time. so then these fucking motherfuckers don't even have like any way to get a hold of them, so i couldn't fucking fix it, so it just kept not fucking working & i didn't know what to do. now finally bill fucking told me how to get a hold of them, so i tried to call them fucking tonight, & they were closed. now my god damn fucking plane ticket went up in price. & since these motherfucking cards aren't fucking reloadable, i have to buy another fucking $380 fucking plastic god damn card! & pay another god damn fee! so now i have a completely fucking useless $340 fucking visa, which i paid a useless fee for, & i have to buy a whole other one since the plane ticket went up. are you motherfucking kidding me?!? fuck these asshole fucking rat bastards. the way i see it, they owe me a god damn plane ticket.

i burn, i pine, i perish!

i'm thinking about designing my living room like this blog. i could just paint half green & half blue & then add in grass strokes & maybe dandelions.. i want this sofa, likely in brown, & maybe some yellow curtains.. possibly brown writing bordering the bottoms of the walls. we'll see. this is just an idea. so likely i'll end up doing absolutely nothing & having a plain, boring, white apartment forever. :(
i was just checking out the art insitutes & i'm very interested, but they're so expensive.. i feel like i don't have time or money or motivation.. except all the time i'm bitching about what i'm doing now. so i'm like.. well, if you're not gonna do anything about it, then shut the fuck up. so. i dunno..
i'm hungry & i really want some multigrain cheerios, which by the way are fucking bomb. you should try them if you haven't already. they're damn perfect. with silk light vanilla soymilk, oh my goodness. delicious. i ate them this morning [yes--i actually ate breakfast!] to prepare for my stupid training thing at division. at least bill drove me [thank you!] so i didn't have to walk.
oh! also, i bought my bike today & it's really cute. it's purple! i rode it a lot with the girls after i brought it home, & oh my god my fuckin pelvic bones are sore. lol damn seat.. i'm gonna have to do something about that shit. i bought a basket for it too! bill said we'll make our adjustments on saturday, which is my only real day off this week. although today pretty much counted also. two more closes & then i get to chill for a day.
dad's all on my back about buying the ticket for june.. i'm just so stressed out, ya know? god damn, i'm working all the fucking time & i'm moving into the apartment in 2 weeks & andrew's moving in sooner than i thought & it's just gonna be really hard.. i don't know if i'm prepared.. i can't budget things! what am i gonna do? obviously i'm not very good at saving.. i HAD money saved, & then i bought shoes & a dress & a trip to arizona & a new bike & now a vacation to california & a new mattress & there's just so much fucking STUFF i have to buy to be fully ready & settled & i'm just afraid it's not gonna happen & i'm gonna be totally fucked. like furniture is really god damn expensive. at least don's giving me a tv, & i'll have the mattress to sleep on.. i have some kitchen stuff, & actually my kitchen from target is only gonna be about $250 or so i think, which isn't horrible. except i have to remember to save for rent, which will be the difficult part. i dunno how to save money. i'm better now, like i said, but just because i have no bank account & because i don't have to worry about it now.. i'm just so worried.
anyway, this computer is really hot & i want some cheerios & i'm tired of talking about this. & worrying about it. & stressing the fuck out. so jesus christ, i'm getting off.
also, this would be easier if sean were here, but he isn't & it fucking sucks.

i'm having an existential, early-twenty-something identity crisis.

& it's bad.

i was just trying to reply to a comment on facebook..

& then i ended up rambling on about all of this.. then i sent a message to my friend instead of the comment.. then i figured i should post it on here since obviously i have a lot on my mind.. anyway.....
my tastes have changed so much.. right now i'm into anna nalick, moby, madeleine peyroux, ingrid michaelson, pink floyd, charlotte sometimes, the beatles, kings of leon, tegan & sara, the kooks, & the hush sound. lol at least that's what i found it important to download after i accidentally deleted all my former music. lol a lot of it reminds me of sean, so that's why.. i've been listening to much chiller stuff lately.. lol if you had asked me like.. before sean, & even a little during, i would've said my favorite band was seether, & i was really still into like the angry, angsty, lovely metal & alt-rock & the like, but then especially after he left, everything about me slowed & toned down.. omg the other day, one of my customers told me, "every time i see you now, you just look more & more conservative" & it was like the most hurtful thing i'd ever heard. i almost took offense. how sad, right? lol it made me realize though, that i feel like i've compromised a lot of who i thought i was. or maybe who i am is just changing so much that i'm NOT who i thought i was anymore, ya know? i've been thinking a lot lately about babies & parenting & growing up & maturing & turning 21 & planning my life & blah, blah, blah, & then about tattoos & piercings & everything i'm missing out on right now.. i feel like i've lost something important, that i really wanted. like tattoos & piercings & alternativity & being different used to be so important to me, & look at me now, i'm almost 20 & i still have none of those things i was so excited for! & i have no skills & no schooling & safeway is supposed to be this low-end job or something, but i could make a career out of this! i'm doing really well, & i'm making bank, & it makes me moderately happy i guess.. i just still FEEL like i'm in the interim, like i'm between jobs or something, but then i remember that i'm going nowhere! what am i gonna do with my life? am i gonna work at safeway forever & make a good career for myself there? how will i feel about telling people i'm a manager of a grocery store when they ask me what i do? i'm already embarrassed to tell them that now because everyone my age is going to school & seems to be making something of themselves & i'm just working 40 hours a week just like i have been since junior year! i barely passed high school, & i was supposed to be like valedictorian or something & get scholarships & do something better or more important than safeway. we were in honors together, for christ's sake! but what am i supposed to do? & my hair's brown & normal & i wear a white shirt & black pants & converse every day. i feel like i have no style anymore, & it's distressing me. do you feel that way ever? maybe it's just my time period. & i mean i literally never go anywhere except work so i don't really have a chance to wear anything but work clothes, but it's like.. UGH! i'm so frustrated. i seriously just work & sleep & that's all! what kind of life is that?!? i mean hopefully it'll get a bit better when i actually get into my apartment, but then i won't be able to do anything still because i'll have to furnish it & pay bills & keep working. the horrid hours don't help either, but.. still. i mean didn't we all expect me to be like.. individual & out there? my own person? i expected myself to know what i wanted & know where i stand & to act & look & feel like i think i'm supposed to. but i don't at all! is it surprising to you? "soon," i tell myself all the time. i'll get my style back when i have money, or when i get my promotion, or when i've been doing this a little longer, or when i get my own place, or whatever it is. i feel like i keep making excuses, ya know? i already have my promotion & i'm getting an apartment & i have a man & i'm pretty comfortable, job security wise, & it's like, what am i waiting for? why do i keep procrastinating my LIFE?!? it's very upsetting to me.. i don't know what to think anymore.. i just don't know who i am or where i'm going or even where i WANT to go or who i WANT to be! aahhhhh!!! :( does any of this make sense? maybe i shouldn't have sent all this craziness to you.. i should've just saved it for my blog. but i have to know whether i'm just the only crazy one or whether this existential, mid-teen crisis is normal or whether i've just lost my damn mind. nobody here understands & everybody has their damn opinions, but they're all too old for me to really want to hear what they have to say. i realize that may be an immature thing to say but i don't care. i want to know what YOU think cuz you're my age & you're not callous & you haven't yet lost complete faith in humanity & we're soul sisters & i feel like maybe you might actually have something to say other than, "sorry, kid, that's the way it is." ya know? oh goodness. am i rambling? am i making any sense? tell me please, if i've lost all my marbles?

they're killing my cat tomorrow.

i'm very upset about this.. i mean she's kind of mean & not very happy, i assume, but still.. she doesn't deserve to just die & then be replaced with a new model. plus i can't even get another one in her memory because sean's fucking allergic. i was gonna say i'm sorry for that but i'm not. i'm very angry. i just feel like we could've saved her. like i could've saved her. should've. but no, i was too busy & too distracted & too whatever to give her what she needed. what if i do this to my kids? what if i'm too busy & distracted & whatever to save them? what if i totally fuck them up & then they die too? i mean i won't put my kids down, but maybe they'll kill themselves or something because they never get what they need from me. maybe i'm not ready after all. i can't keep anything alive. first i kill my plants, now i'm killing my cat, what's next? maybe i'll kill sean before i even get the chance to have any kids. what the hell am i supposed to do? the best i can. i just don't feel like i did. i dunno if i ever feel like i've done the best i can. what if i never do? am i just lazy? procrastinatory? careless? worthless? fuck this.

deliquesce - to melt away.

i learned that word last night. it's pretty good. i like it a lot. :)
i've been thinking a lot about babies. i'm very excited about them.. & i was thinking i should wait til i was 25, except i really think i'll be ready before then.. i'm still really feeling 22. we'll see. i guess i shouldn't worry now.. but i'm just so excited!!! *sigh* i was telling sean earlier, the highlight of my life would be singing a baby to sleep in a rocking chair.. i can just see it. it's lovely.. anyway.. i'm gonna go think about that while i eat some multigrain cheerios, which bee-tee-dubs are like completely bomb. & will be eaten by the baby. :)

i'm hungry & i want some cereal.

i've been hungry & wanting cereal for the past couple hours, but have been too lazy to get up & get it. how sad...

WHAT'S THE WORD? (words of the day)

malapert - (adj) unbecomingly bold or saucy [kathy griffin sometimes comes off as quite malapert. although i love her. & she very well is a strong black woman.]

bequeath - (verb) to hand down, commit, or entrust [apparently Bush bequeathed the shitty state of the country to Obama, who is now being blamed for it.]

i still want cereal. but likely am still too lazy & procrastinatory. (?) [wait, oh my god, that's actually a word & i used it correctly! FUCK YEAH, BITCHES!]

stick that in your juicebox & suck it.

so you'll be mine & i'll be yours & we'll be us again.

so we're back together. :) i guess. lol it's still complicated, i suppose.. but at least it's in motion.
i just finally realized that home is where you are, & that's enough for me. i love you & i don't want to be anywhere but in your arms. that's the only place where it feels okay to really be me.
& i know you don't care what i wear or how i act or what i say or how many zits i have or how long it's been since i've shaved my legs or how often i want to walk around naked because clothes feel restrictive. you don't care that i'm kind of a mess & my hair never works & i own so much stuff & i really don't like cleaning, but i'll do it anyway if you ever want me to. i know that i'm difficult to deal with & i never know what i feel like & i can't make decisions & i won't tell you what i'm thinking & all of that tries your nerves.. but you have to know, above all else, how much you mean to me. because you're pretty much it. :)
i'd never felt comfortable in my own skin until you touched my skin, & told me it was very nice skin indeed.
i'd never felt like i fit in until you fit me into your life & your heart.
i'd never felt the need to get out of bed in the morning & put up with all the lame that happens throughout the day. i still don't feel the need to get out of bed in the morning, but now that's because you're in the bed with me, & all i want to do is lay there with you all day.
i never thought anyone would be able to see past my scars & my excuses & my tears, until you saw them, looked through them, & told me what i needed to hear.
i never thought i could ever let anyone in so much. until i did. & there you were. & nothing came crashing down, & i didn't implode, & all the parallel universes didn't collide & pull everything into the black hole i was expecting. you were just there. & i liked it. :)
i love you. ♥

i have nothing to say today.

actually i had plenty to say but now it's all gone 'cause i'm tired & it's time for bed. but i felt the need to post anyhow.
i actually made scallops tonight all by myself! they were delicioso. i was excited. then i made a microwave pizza. it was pretty good too. but i couldn't taste the pride in it like i could with the scallops. :)
thank goodness linda traded me for a mid tomorrow. well, today. speaking of, i really should get to sleep..
i'm leaving at 6:10 in the evening on friday to go & see my love in arizona. we shall see. that's all i have to say.
except it's not because also i'd like to say that i refuse to worry about this, because there is still time, it will be okay, & the light always shines. somewhere.
bonne nuit, mes chéris.

this post isn't worth reading.

i look like shit & my hair's fucking ugly & work fucking sucks & it's gonna keep sucking & i can't sleep & i don't wanna eat & i just wanna smoke but cigarettes keep making me dizzy & i don't get my breaks because it's too fucking busy & everyone keeps complaining to me & i can't help them & i feel like i'm doing a shitty job at everything & i'm not pretty & i'm not that smart & everyone else makes me feel bad for working because they're all going to fucking college like they were supposed to & i'm just fucking working every god damn day & i have zits everywhere & my clothes are ugly & unprofessional & i may be getting bronchitis like everyone at work & i dunno if my immune system is any good anymore & i keep smoking & smoking & smoking so the doctors won't do anything for me anyway & i'm just so stressed out & my boyfriend LEFT ME & now i'm doing it all over again & how am i supposed to know he's not gonna just leave again & how am i supposed to know anything at all & how am i supposed to live when i don't know anything?!? i'm just so unhappy with so much but then i feel horrible for feeling unhappy when i have so much & i just shouldn't complain about anything because some people don't HAVE anything & so then i feel guilty & now i feel guilty but i feel like that all the time anyway & it's just a fucking carousel in my head & i never know what i'm gonna feel next cuz it's just around & around & up & down & around some more & so i never know what's gonna happen & i never know how to feel & could somebody just tell me PLEASE what i'm supposed to do?!? but nobody can. because it doesn't work that way. this is probably just because i'm working my seventh of nine closes in a row & that makes me tired & makes me not eat & like i said now i think i'm getting bronchitis & the not eating & not sleeping will make it take longer to go away but i just can't bring myself to do either one because i just don't fucking care & i don't know how the rest of you people can bring yourselves to eat & sleep like you're supposed to. or go to college like you're supposed to. or even just pass high school like you're supposed to. i hardly passed. which is ironic, because my whole life everyone kept telling me that i was so pretty & so smart & now i'm just at safeway, which is a contradiction in itself because it's a really good job but everybody makes me feel like it's really low & something that isn't worth much, but we handle your food, people! like talk about job security, everyone's gotta eat, right? but still it's looked upon as some low-end job, but guess what, bitches? i make $17 an hour working 40 hours a week & that's really good! & i'm only 19! so that's actually really REALLY good but then i feel so horrible about it a lot & like i should be doing something more productive or more whatever like going to nicaragua & helping the children which i really need to do & maybe that's why my life doesn't make any sense, because i was meant for better things than serving you rude people & telling you about our specials this week & refunding your stuff even though it's against the refund policy & selling lotto tickets which will never win & knowing everybody who comes to the damn grocery store because i feel like i live there & i see you people every day & i see you in your damn ties & suits & slutty little miniskirts & you look down on me but really i should be looking down on you! well nobody should be looking down on anyone, really, but it's human nature a little bit. so i guess that's it because now i have to go in for another day of refunds & lotto tickets & tuesday-to-tuesday specials & high out-of-stock counts & stupid training which takes hours & my normal day-to-day life which seems so mundane & stressful.
see? told you it wasn't worth reading.

& that's how i feel today.