if ever I have seen a downward spiral..

I am in the midst of another. I just don't know what to do about any of this nonsense. We haven't spoken in almost 4 days. I feel pathetic just saying that. But I know he won't because he thinks he's doing me a favor. He isn't. I just can't entangle myself so much in this unreality. I've given too much already, & I'm starting to worry that I'll lose it all. He's the only man in my life I've ever trusted so fully, & maybe that was a mistake. Which I should've known anyway, given my track record. It's still difficult to believe he could've lied. I'm sure it wasn't a lie, just a change of heart, like with Sean. Is this all there is? Falling in love & then being told their mind has changed, feelings are different? Is that all love is? Just a fleeting sunrise, only to disapparate into nothing again? I'm just so confused. But how can I broach the subject again? It's been talked to death. & still nothing makes any sense. What am I to do, just sit & wait? I can't stand all this damn waiting. Sure, it'll probably make me stronger or some bullshit like that, but fuck if I care. This is just classic human bullshit. Fuck. Sometimes I hate being alive.

i feel like i'm being yanked around.

but i might be doing it to myself. it's a strange time & i don't know what to think. everything's just so mad.

i decided on a tattoo last night.

an alicey "drink me" bottle on my left inner wrist. it symbolizes so much. it's absolutely perfect. now i just need funding. i'm also hopelessly in love with a boy i can't have. which i suppose isn't exactly a new thing for me. in fact, i have been here before, many times. how can i know whether or not i only want what i can't have? there's no way to know for sure. especially since we're so far apart. & i've already said i can't move there. at least not right now. he won't move here either. what do i know about that place? maybe i should research it & see how i feel.. for the future, ya know. also i think i may be becoming a wino. although after consulting urban dictionary, maybe i'm not. i just like wine. & i'm willing to drink it at practically any time. i'm very worried about this boy. he told me he's going to the hospital now. i feel like i should be there. i love him. i told him so. & i told him not to say it back. i don't think he's in the right place for that right now. did i mention how much i like wine? especially that kung fu girl riesling i just bought for my birthday. it was VERY good. i just finished it. yeah, in the middle of the day. fuck you. & i'm definitely feeling it. you know, i forgot how much i like being intoxicated by alcohol. right now i am riding a very enjoyable buzz. which i feel slightly guilty about because i am babysitting in like an hour or two. but whatever. it should fizzle by then. & after that, like i said, i'm all out. i need a new ID cuz i don't think anyone will take mine now. & i just checked to see if i could do it online, but i can't. bitches. anyway, i'm just sayin. i love wine, i love the boy, & fuck you if you don't like it.

now i need to come up with an excuse.

because people are definitely going to ask me when they see. i'm an adult, it's my body, & i can do whatever i want. but i don't want the looks or the sighs or any of the bullshit that comes with people assuming things they don't know for sure but which are pretty obvious. kristin will know. i wonder if anyone will even say anything. maybe nobody WILL notice! this certainly takes me back.. to having to wear long sleeves every day, having to make up excuses, having to lie. i mean i don't HAVE to lie. but the truth is uncomfortable. & what about the fam? i'll just have to keep wearing long sleeves when i go over there. not that that should be too difficult. it's fucking winter anyway. it's damn cold. problem is i don't have a ton of long sleeved shirts. hoodies though i guess. i'll just have to keep them on. why did i do this again? it's been such a long time.. SUCH a long fucking time! what an odd time for a relapse. well, i guess if any time, winter is the best. no questions about wearing long sleeves. hopefully these will heal quickly enough that i can stop worrying soon. so what excuse will i give? there isn't one. it's completely obvious. why didn't i think this over more carefully? i could've chosen a much better spot. why didn't i? nobody will ever see my belly. i could've chosen it. or my thighs. what the fuck. now i'm regretting this decision. but only the location. not the action. i do what i want, right? i forgot how soothing the little red dots are. that sounds absolutely certifiably insane. i have to stop this. i can't start again. it's too difficult to deal with. too draining & too addictive & just too much. i have enough to worry about right now without adding extra bullshit. i have enough vices without bringing this particular one back. i thought i was done with this. what made me do it? i saw them in the drawer. that's all i needed, i think. i saw them in there, had it in my mind, cuz i've been thinking about it lately, so i did it. i need help. like.. serious professional shock therapy or something. i can't even blame the wine, cuz i'd only had about 2 sips. which is probably good, because if i'd waited til i was drunker, i'm sure it would've been deeper and worse. problem is, with that it would've been a little easier to make something up. how can you make up a story about several small ones all in one spot? i have no cat. paper bags couldn't have done this. SHIT. what am i gonna do now? it's okay. i have two days off to figure it out. i'll just have to remember the long sleeves. or bandaids. although that won't work for very long either. what is my fucking deal? what am i trying to do? am i looking for attention? that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. & i sure as FUCK can't let stephanie know. shit, shit, shit. i mean, fuck, do i need to remove all the fucking sharp objects from my house? what did this accomplish? absolutely nothing. so why the fuck would i do it? apparently i need to go back to fucking therapy or something. was i trying to punish myself? for what? fuck if i know. jesus christ, i'm a loon. completely. who does this? how the fuck does this ever help anyone? it doesn't. so why do we think it does? & why do i feel strangely comforted in the background of my head, despite all this worrying about how to deal with the aftermath? this is completely insane. i should be put away. can i put myself away? does someone else have to do it? can i turn myself in as a crazy person? would they lock me in a padded white room with no sharp things? am i even crazy enough to be locked away? maybe i could fake myself out really well. i mean, people are surprised to find out about it, right? so obviously i put on a DAMN good show. maybe i should be a fucking actress or something. i can play the happy little sunflower really well. maybe i'm worrying over nothing. these are so shallow, they should heal rather quickly. i should be all right to stick with long sleeves until they fade. like i said, lucky i had only 2 sips of wine beforehand.. & now hopefully my quota has been reached & i can just not think about it anymore. PSH yeah okay. well i don't care. i'm drinking my mother fucking wine. even if it makes it worse. because fuck 'em, that's why.

i want to write a book.

or maybe just a short story. how does one begin such a thing? just start writing? i know i'm a good writer, but that means nothing. what would i possible write a book about? i started to write that something-or-other about amy & dan, AKA me & tom, but could i still? is it still relevant to me? what would happen? would i just keep writing & just let things happen as they happen? would that work? do authors write books in order? do they know what's going to happen when they begin? should i try an outline or something? i need some interesting inspiration. my life is not entertaining. it wouldn't make a good book. what makes someone want to read a book anyway? what makes me want to? tamora pierce makes me want to read & reread. but what is it about her writing that so intrigues me? romance, magic, and girl power? those seem to be major themes throughout her series. i could spin new tales of mythology. or of witches and warlocks. or just something that's psychologically twisted. or would i write about real live stuff? like amy & dan's adulterous relationship? i could continue it with his divorce and her still-loneliness. he'd never actually be with her, he just wants what he can't truly have. he just wanted to be in her pants without any commitment. obviously the man struggles with commitment anyway, cheating on his wife with more than just her. but where would she go after his heartbreak? would the story follow her? or would it end with their breakup? it could be a short story about an adulterous relationship between a naive girl and a married womanizer which just shows that nobody wins in the situation. but how naive is the girl really? how old is she? what experiences has she had? what does she know about his other relationship? would his wife also have a voice in this story? a three-chapter short story from the POVs of the adulterer, the mistress, and the victimized wife? maybe she's not such a victim. maybe she's an adulterer too. i could add the POV of her little man mistress. or not. could be three longish poems from each of them. *sigh* maybe i don't even like this subject anyway. but like i said, how does one start a book?

i wonder if i'll ever lose the part of me

that still considers suicide. it's been a while since i've been in that place, but sometimes it creeps up & surprises me. it's a different part than the one who cuts. & different than the one who starves. it's alone in its seriousness & alone in its thoughts. granted, at times both of the aforementioned parts do lead me into the suicidal one, but like i said, it's been a long time since i've been in that place.. i don't know if i want to go back. i don't know if i should let myself think about it. i don't know if i should keep myself from thinking about it. who decides what should & shouldn't be done anyway? maybe this is the natural course of things. maybe my brain just works this way. i feel like a functional loon or something. i mean, i will openly admit to self-mutilation, self-starvation, self-aggravation.. but no one has put me away. i'm maintaining a good job (mostly), paying my bills, doing normal things, i guess.. but there's this kind of sad undercurrent that's always been there, but has become more & more hidden as time has passed. it's difficult because everyone thinks i'm so happy. like a cute little ball of sunshine or something, but then inside i just feel like the same rotten individual i've always been. just because the scars on my arms have changed color doesn't make them disappear. losing all this weight doesn't make me any happier with my body, or change my eating habits. i suppose at least i don't have to worry much about obesity. but what about malnutrition? i don't cut anymore, but who's to say i won't start again? i mean, i don't feel like i would now, but.. sometimes.. sometimes, like i said, it creeps up on me. will i ever be free of these vices? that's like asking if i'll ever be free of my past, or my memories, or my life. like asking if i'll ever be free of my self. the answer is, obviously, no. but can you change who you are? you can't change the things that have happened to you, the things you've done, the things you've been through. i guess you just have to decide how to use them to shape who you become. choices. actions shape the future. so maybe the fact that i'm only thinking of these things instead of doing them means i'm choosing to shape my future that way. but will i ever escape the thoughts? they aren't nearly as bad as i remember them being before.. is it the medication? i would like to stop taking it.. maybe i'll wean myself off with this last bottle. i don't think i have any refills left anyway. what will happen then? will i lose my mind? will it slowly unravel? or will i just one day decide that i'm tired of thinking about suicide, & just do it? when it crosses my mind now, it doesn't feel as serious or as much of an option as it used to. but why not? i have no debt, i have no pets, i have no significant other. the team at work would be at a loss, i guess. & my family would suffer. maybe i don't realize how much they really would. i mean, now i think to myself, alex is so tired of me, she wouldn't truly mind. i've already moved out, so they've already kind of lost me.. jerrie & stephanie don't need me, i think i just provide them a little entertainment every once in a while. my dad would be sad. it would really hurt him. & my mom. it would really hurt her too. she'd blame herself. & that's not fair either. maybe these are the things that have kept me from taking the last step thus far. it doesn't feel fair to me that my decision about this should be so affected by everyone else's feelings, over my own. i feel like i put everyone else before myself every damn day. shouldn't my suicide be MY damn choice? based on my own damn feelings? it just sucks. maybe that's why they finally do it. they decide that for once they're going to choose according to their own feelings without worrying about everybody else. i don't know if i could ever do that. & maybe cutting doesn't occur to me seriously anymore because it isn't good enough. it's only a very temporary fix for something that feels very non-temporary. i know this from experience. a real suicide is not a temporary fix at all. in fact, it's a very very permanent action. there's no coming back. unless i'm reincarnated, which would just be fucking awesome. to never ever be free of this bullshit. ugh. just a different life with different bullshit. i'm tired of thinking about this depressing circle of depression. whatever.

terrariums are badass.

& i'm going to make one. or a set. i haven't exactly decided. i would like to make it alice-related, like in glass teacups. i found this set of plain, clear ones. problem is they're so small, i just don't know if i can get the effect i want. i thought about doing some kind of tea set, glued or otherwise attached to a tea tray. like i could get a supercool tray, & then make alice terrariums in a teapot, sugar & cream containers, & maybe two teacups? wouldn't that be cute? i just found these, which may be a better option. they're a tad shorter, but a tad wider. i dunno what i want, exactly. i'm looking for tiny alice figurines to add, as well. alice, maybe, the white rabbit, the cheshire cat.. maybe even a mini tea set? i dunno, i think this could be fucking awesome. if only i could find what i want.

i'm too tired to post..

but i had a shit day today & i guess i need to type it out so i can hopefully have a better one tomorrow.
i was supposed to be off today. i had a date tonight at 5. i was very excited & told everyone about it. of course, this morning i get a call from work. i was half-asleep so i didn't answer. their was no voicemail so i kinda drifted in and out of sleep til i got another call. it was work, asking me to come in tonight & close. this was depressing. but sometimes you gotta do what's best for your team, ya know? it's just a date, it can be rescheduled. hopefully it shows that i'm caring & dedicated. anyway, so i call back & say i'll be there at 2 or 2:30. it was already pretty late in the morning, & i just got up & got ready to go. i had a headache already, which did not bode well for the rest of the day, and i didn't eat, because apparently i have a deep-rooted psychological eating disorder which makes me convinced i'm not hungry when i really am. so i didn't. i figured i'd get a chai and hoped the caffeine would knock out my headache. i was feeling really sluggish & slow. & i was shaking, which is very irritating. so anyway, i do all of this, and, seriously, about an hour in i started to feel absolutely terrible. my head felt fuzzy & dizzy & light & it was an unpleasant accompaniment to my still-throbbing-despite-chai headache. so i'm like, i seriously need to sit down or eat or something. then i realize it must be that i need to eat, since i probably hadn't since about 24 hours before that. so i tell brian i gotta take a break & i get a string cheese & a protein drink. 16 grams of protein in that motherfucker, & it didn't help me one damn bit! nannah said a drink doesn't count as food, even with that much protein, because the body digests them differently. that sucks. meanwhile, i am also really struggling with my load there right now. i'm trying, but i'm not doing super amazing. so i'm half starved to death, stressed to the max, & tearing up. which i really fucking hate. it's so frustrating. it's visible in my face, so it's impossible to hide. UGH, being a girl.. anyway, then sean came & sat with me on my lunch, for which i got a burrito that i took maybe 2 bites of. so we talked a bit more about my now-TBA date, because i guess he's curious. or wants to protect me. i dunno. whatever. i had been so overly hungry that now everything sounded disgusting, the burrito looked, smelled, and tasted like it was gonna make me sick. SO irritating, body; thanks a lot! so, like i said, i took about 2 bites, polished off a guava coconut water, & went back to finish my night. i had WAY too fucking much to do and was NOT in a good place to be able to get it done. i'm falling behind definitely. i did accomplish some things tonight, though, which is good. anyway, it was a shitty day overall, but all of them still have their moments. now, i can't technically reschedule with chad until i get my next schedule, which isn't out yet. we'll have to work it out when i get one. he mentioned being with a client today.. i forgot what he does exactly. lol clients.. silly. okay, that's a sign i'm too tired to go on. good fucking night, colorado. see you in the morning.

i can do this.

so. i just don't know what i'm doing. contrary to before, i don't exactly feel like everything is falling apart, maybe i just feel like i'm falling behind. i did catch up a little bit at work tonight, & they did tell me not be overwhelmed or feel like i was in trouble. she said, "it's just what it is." so that means, i'm doing okay, but i need to step it up, right? i can't get that damn phrase out of my head lately. am i expecting too much from myself? no, because i can do anything i set my mind to, right? all i really need is for someone to assume i can't do it. that should light a fire under my ass. i'm so damn stubborn, i'd almost do anything to prove someone wrong over something like that. i do still wonder sometimes how much of the reason i stayed vegetarian is because dad assumed it was a phase, and that made me furious! just like when dad 2 assumed that i was cutting myself for attention, even though i had been doing it for like 2 years or something before they found out. at least a year before anyone found out. so what the fuck. ANYWAY, i wish i knew i could do this. i really don't. i'm really not sure. part of me wouldn't be surprised if i totally break down mid-holiday and ruin any progress i've made with the team. i just feel like i'm under a lot of pressure. well, i guess i'm used to that. floral was ALL pressure, ALL the time. that's why i cried like every day. so hey, at least i have killer amazing support here. and, obviously i'm not crying every day here, so that means i'm a still a step or three up from where i've been, and since i've been there, that means i survived, which means i can do this. it'll be a new challenge. to suck it up and play through the pain. ha, sports reference. well, i guess i could play through the pain on a bass clarinet. that can be painful. any reed instrument, in fact. okay, any instrument could hurt if you play it long enough. but i digress. my point is, that i can and will make it through the holidays. i mustn't cry, and i mustn't lose it. I HAVE TO EAT! or else i'll keep being useless, because my body is too exhausted to even let my brain use enough energy to think up plans and remember things and stay focused. SO. i guess that's the plan for that.
now as for these boys.. i just.. i just am so far out of my territory here. i just have to chill out. that's it. just chill out & stop worrying & stop planning & stop even thinking about them for the most part. i just don't have the time or energy to waste on this useless circle of thinking. seriously. it's like a huge program running in the background of a computer. whatever i'm really trying to do, on the forefront, gets suuuuper fuuuucking sloooow. i need to let it go. whatever is going to happen, is goooiiiing to happen. i certainly can't stop it, or change it. the decisions i make in each moment are what dictate my future. so those decisions are what i need to use my energy thinking about. i mean it, girl. forget the background noise, focus on the now. if i'm always worrying about tomorrow, i'm never really enjoying today. & then, what purpose have i? so. i'm going to let things happen. i'm going to think about my decisions. i'm going to focus on the now. i'm going to enjoy today, and then tomorrow too. i'm going to chill out. i can do this.

i guess the stigma is my own..?

so says my mother. & maybe she's right. maybe i've just placed this stigma on age because of those dumbasses i dated at safeway. admittedly, it was different than this, so why am i so worried about it? 18 years is very different than 8. or even 10. & what i did then was stupid and didn't make sense, but i had to go through it to get where i am. however, maybe i can still give up my mistaken feelings about it. it's okay to be cautious, but i'm cautious with everyone anyway. kristin told me to guard my heart & have fun. can i do that? maybe. i wish i could stop thinking about this & just let it play out. why do i always have to try to plan everything? it's a little obsessive. immediately i jump 5 or 10 years ahead, before the first date? it's not even really a date! well it kind of is. how different will he act? how different will i act? i've always thought he was a cool guy, but never really dateable. now that he's obviously dateable, how do i feel about him? do i have to know what i feel about him? should i even think about this, before i've gone out once with him? *sigh* all this obsessing is exhausting. maybe that's why i'm so tired all the time. i can't stop obsessively compulsively planning things in my head. lord have mercy. i don't even have a lord! how will i tell him if i'm not into him? how will things change if i am? i don't like all this eternal not knowing anything! it's intensely frustrating. not to mention that this obsession with age is nothing compared to the stigmas i put on sex! it's not even on the table & i'm still worrying about it! julio definitely said tonight that it would be "shady" to date more than one guy at once. i mean, but milly & my mother & jennifer all feel the opposite. & it shouldn't be, anyhow, if i'm not exclusive with anyone and i'm not messing around with any of them! can't i just go hang out with different guys to see how i like them? can't they hang out with me to see how they like me? are you supposed to do this when you're young? i'm still young, right? 21 is young. so what am i supposed to be doing right now if not finding out what i like, what i want, and how i'm gonna get it? i'm building skills here, people! i might even just up and ask beau out for coffee. maybe i'll wait til after tuesday, though. :P maybe i should just meet him there. i'm not really worried in my gut that i'll want to get out of it. milly warned me i'd be stuck if he picked me up, but i don't expect to have a bad time. at all. i'm actually kinda really excited. i think it will be fun! besides, it'll be nice to be able to talk to him without work being in the way. it's hard to believe we've only ever really talked while i've been working. we do have great conversations. i have to wonder why he'd want to see me, though, being 29 and very nice with no noticeable shortcomings. like.. especially after only having talked to me at work. i'm kind-of really a ditz and at safeway i even acted like a bit more of an airhead. plus, i was younger. is it the hot barely-legal thing? because i don't know how i feel about that, exactly, but it isn't good. i mean maybe it's just because i can carry on a conversation? i don't know. i might not wear the outfit i decided on, either. i'm thinking about the butterfly top instead. we'll see how i feel tuesday night. i just don't know for sure if i really feel that something with this one. but maybe i haven't even given him a real chance. *sigh* i need to go to bed.. if only i could shut up my head. also, i don't think that writing down everything i think is really a good way to practice writing. how could i possibly gain writing skills by writing almost stream-of-conscious stuff, with no capitalization, no attention to grammar or spelling, and with made-up words even? i wouldn't consider those to necessarily be writing skills. on some level, it maybe does help me a little bit. i suppose to work through things and such. but wouldn't i work through them in my head? what's the difference? maybe it's a focusing thing. like having to type specific ideas instead of just jumbling echoing thoughts makes me focus more and pay attention. and obviously, in a way, also to "remember" what i'm thinking, since i'm saving it. i don't know. whatever. i'm going to sleep. goodnight.

lovefool.

PUT YOUR iPOD ON SHUFFLE AND PRESS >> FOR EACH QUESTION. USE THE SONG NAME TO ANSWER THE QUESTION....


How am I feeling today? 
"just what i needed" the cars


Will I get far in life? 
"adding to the noise" switchfoot


How do my friends see me? 
"funeral of a good girl" bif naked


Where will I get Married?
"you really got a hold on me" she & him


What is my best friend's theme song? 
"more than melody" anna nalick


What is the story of my life?
"zoot suit riot" big bad voodoo daddy


What was highschool like? 
"i will buy you a new life" everclear


How can I get ahead in life? 
"parachute" ingrid michaelson


What is the best thing about me? 
"should i stay or should i go?" the clash


How is today going to be?
"love me for me" ashlee simpson


What is in store for this weekend? 
"taking over me" evanescence


What song describes my parents? 
"somebody kill me" adam sandler (the wedding singer soundtrack)


To describe my grandparents? 
"puttin' on the ritz" shiny toy guns


How is my life going? 
"you was right, baby" peggy lee


What song will they play at my funeral? 
"only happy when it rains" garbage


How does the world see me? 
"a way back into love" drew barrymore & hugh grant (music & lyrics soundtrack)


Will I have a happy life?
"la la" ashlee simpson


What do my friends really think of me? 
"stronger" daft punk/ kanye west


Do people secretly lust after me? 
"breaking the girl" anna nalick


How can I make myself happy? 
"sunshine, lollipops, & rainbows" lesley gore


What should I do with my life? 
"straight up" paula abdul


Will I ever have children? 
"girlfriend" avril lavigne


What is some good advice for me? 
"don't turn around" ace of base


How will I be remembered? 
"timber, i'm falling in love" patty loveless


What is my signature dancing song? 
"hurt me bad (in a real good way)" patty loveless


What do I think my current theme song is? 
"panic" the pretty reckless


What does everyone else think my current theme song is? 
"tied to the whipping post" the allman brothers


What type of men/women do you like? 
"kiss me" sixpence none the richer

okay, here i am.

i'm by myself. i changed my hair. i applied for college. i'm trying to step it up. i'm trying to cut back. let go. focus. don't stress. don't worry. eat. trying to be healthy. i want to write. i want to play. i want to sing & dance. 21 is coming soon, but what does it mean? the government is just telling me that they consider me to be old enough to decide whether or not to poison myself with alcohol. like what the fuck is that? who gives a shit? why do we place such stigmas on age? relative to romance, as well, what's normal? what's average? what's acceptable? who's to say? certainly not me. certainly not you. & certainly not any damn body else. what does it mean that an older person would want to date someone so much younger? how much younger is socially acceptable? who decides these things? why do we feel this way? is it fair of me to assume someone is too old for me? for someone to assume i'm too young for them? how much does age really matter? isn't it more about each different schema? maturity levels and experiences. but with experience comes.. what? knowledge? wisdom? maturity? sometimes. this is all just so confusing. how am i to find out? what is the worst possible outcome? heartbreak? no. been there, done that. so what is making me so analytically anxious? i'm not ready to put myself anywhere but inside my heart-shaped box. who am i to date anyway? i don't even know how. i'm so very new to all of this. is that what's appealing? i do not wish to be molded, in any way. i won't let that happen, will i? with my short history to offer, who am i to the rest? who do i appear to be? how is that relative to who i truly am? what do the two mean in contrast with each other? i am my own person, right? but who that person is... hell if i know. i need to align my talk with my walk. can one decide who to be? or can one only be who they are innately? is that nature vs. nurture? let's not start down that road. can men and women be only friends? can girlfriends have platonic male friends? when sex isn't on the table, is it possible? can sex ever really be off the table? am i presenting myself as a 21-year-old who's ready to go off and fuck everyone? everybody's doing it..? except me. No, thank you. but is that the message i'm sending? can i be assertive when it comes to sex? does that make me a tease? or a prude? or both? i'm back in high school again. except now it's been done. how does that change me? i feel like all i will ever have are questions with blank fill-in answers.

starting now.

i have to figure this out. i have one moving out & i feel like i already have another moving in. i don't know if i'm ready for this. i need to be alone for a while. at least this one will be in missouri. but i still don't know if i can handle the attachment. & i don't know if i'm even interested in having any more attachments. & i don't want to string him along or lead him on, but i think i am anyway. i don't know how to stop. i don't want to lose him as a friend, but maybe there are just too many things that are different. like military beliefs & religious beliefs & the way that he's different when other people are around than when it's just the two of us. i mean i guess everyone is different around other people. & if we were actually together, i'm sure things would be different. i guess i've been clear about my worries & concerns & thoughts.. i just can't stop myself. it's like my feelings are more in control than i am. like kitty with menopause. i realize i am irrational & illogical & crazy, but that doesn't make it stop. i can think about it all i want, but nothing ever changes. & what about all these options? do i even want options? do i even want anything? i could hang out with people or go on dates i guess, but that just doesn't feel like the person i am. i don't go on dates! how can i do that? how does it work? i've been on like maybe 3 dates or something! & after one with each, i pretty much decided how i felt. does it always work that way? do you always just know? i've been in siberia for like 2 years. how am i supposed to come out of that & just start being like everyone else? like jen & kristin can date people, & jen can even kinda date several people. is that normal? i feel it's bad principle. i don't think it's right to date more than one person. it feels like polygamy almost. obviously it's not, & i don't have a problem with other good people engaging in polygamy if that's their choice, but.. it's not for me. i need only one. & who the fuck knows who it is? i guess dating is a way to find out. but it just worries me. like maybe i'm still too sheltered for that kinda thing. what if they kiss me? or what if they try to make a move? how am i gonna stop that? how am i gonna say no? maybe i can't do that yet. i certainly don't feel like i can. i've been with sean for 2 god damn years! & right out of high school! & as a superprude!!! how am i gonna just turn normal now? i can't! i'm just a freak! i don't know how these things work or what i want or what to be or anything! i need to figure this out. starting now.

I don't know what I'm saying!

I dunno what I'm doing either. I dunno what's going on. I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying uselessly about things I can't control. I'm tired of feeling like a rodent on a wheel. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of being young, just as I shall tire of being old. I'm tired of drugs, tired of dependence, addiction, psychological bullshit. Tired of being tired. Tired of wishing & hoping & thinking & praying. Tired also of planning & dreaming, to no avail. I'm tired of not having enough money. Tired of worrying about money. Tired of trying not to base my life around money & continually realizing that's near impossible. Tired of hearing about the present state of things & feeling like there's nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of knowing some things. Tired of learning, tired of working, tired of fighting. Tired of walking & riding the bus & taking the train. Tired of wondering. Tired of focusing. Tired of eating, tired of sleeping, tired of breathing. I'm real fuckin tired.

I'm going through the big D & don't mean Dallas.

In fact I mean depression. It sucks. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going or what to do when I get there either. I don't know what normal people do outside of work. I do nothing but not-so-good things that aren't helping. & now I like being at work unless I feel like curling up & sleeping for the next 80 years til I can just die in peace. Well, peaceish. I love my Sean, but I also worry. What if we're not right, what if we don't last, what if he leaves again, what if I leave? I don't think I'm ready to lose him. Even though I also maybe don't think we will last forever. But maybe we will. Both of us will be changing a lot in the next few years, & then continually throughout our lives. Will we change together or drift apart? Am I wasting my time or doing what I should be doing? This is so confusing & I just wish I had some good friends here.

i am fucking angry.

i have been all morning. i have been for a long time. i am full of pissed-the-fuck-off-ness. i swear i am so fucking mad. why am i so angry, you inquire? what has happened to make me the maddest, most intimidating, most pathetic kristi ever? well i can't tell you. sorry. i have no god damn fucking clue. but i'm sure fucking angry as fuck! i had a very upsetting dream this morning which irked me really a lot, & i may have forgotten to take my pills last night, but i'm pretty sure i did take them, & my period just ended so it's not that either. but i am just so god damn MAD!!! frustrated & worked up & pent up & who the fuck knows what else. i am so fucking pissed i can't even get past it. i'm fucking pissed, then i'm pissed about the reasons i'm fucking pissed, & it just continues in this vicious fucking pissed off fucking circle. it's fucking driving me fucking crazy. i mean, what the fuck am i supposed to do if i'm just mad as fuck for no fucking reason? i'm sure there's reasons, but they're stupid or whatever. whatever. i'm fucking pissed. but typing this made me a tiny bit less fucking pissed. so.

i wrote a song.

no, really, i did. & it came out just like this:


i want to scream the loudest scream
jump off the highest rooftop
chomp on broken glass
& floss it out

i want to sing at the top of my lungs
dance like nobody's watching
run around yelling
& then fall down

i'm only here until i'm gone..

i'm restless
feel like i'm gonna burst
cuz i'm restless
couldn't get any worse
cuz i feel like i could fly away
but when i try i just can't stay afloat
i'm restless.

i want to paint on all the walls
play my music way too loud
i wanna lay in bed all day
& SCREAM out!

i'm only here until i'm gone
& then you'll never know
what's become of me
in this cheap reality

i'm restless
feel like i could implode
cuz i'm restless
you don't have to believe me, but i don't know
how i feel
or what's inside
or what i have to offer this life
or what i think
or why i do
the things i do
i guess you'll have to chalk it up
to restlessness

cuz i'm restless
i could burst
restless
couldn't get worse
i feel like i could fly away
but every time i try i just can't stay
afloat
i'm restless..

not so great this time around.

PUT YOUR iPOD ON SHUFFLE AND PRESS > FOR EACH QUESTION. USE THE SONG NAME TO ANSWER THE QUESTION....

How am I feeling today? 
"echo" the hush sound

Will I get far in life? 
"virginia bluebell" miranda lambert

How do my friends see me? 
"falling down" atreyu

Where will I get Married? 
"sorry bunch" the dresden dolls

What is my best friend's theme song? 
"we're not alone" tickle me pink

What is the story of my life? 
"you get me" michelle branch

What is/was highschool like? 
"echoes" pink floyd

How can I get ahead in life? 
"there's nothing" shout out louds

What is the best thing about me? 
"not my idea" garbage

How is today going to be? 
"we walk" the ting tings

What is in store for this weekend? 
"cirrus minor"  pink floyd

What song describes my parents? 
"i bet it stung" tegan & sara

To describe my grandparents? 
"drop n the ocean" michelle branch

How is my life going? 
"born for this" paramore

What song will they play at my funeral? 
"overrated" alexz johnson

How does the world see me? 
"stormy weather" the kooks

Will I have a happy life?
"stuck on you" paramore

What do my friends really think of me? 
"bad boy" alice in videoland

Do people secretly lust after me? 
"california" miranda lambert

How can I make myself happy? 
"crawling towards the sun" the hush sound

What should I do with my life? 
"labyrinths of auxime" pink floyd

Will I ever have children? 
"dogs" pink floyd

What is some good advice for me? 
"pull me in" the kooks

How will I be remembered? 
"money" pink floyd

What is my signature dancing song? 
"wrong" depeche mode

What do I think my current theme song is? 
"paper pieces" michelle branch

What does everyone else think my current theme song is? 
"very loud" shout out louds

What type of men/women do you like? 
"million miles away" the offspring