life poses so many unanswerable questions.

how can one make sense of it all? with virtually no knowledge in a world so vast & saturated in a lack of understanding, how can anyone be sure they're making the right decisions? "right" is so subjective, anyhow. claire said i can never be sure i'm making the right decision, but that i should make it anyway, "head first with no regrets." no holds barred. is that to say i should up & move to missouri to try a relationship which may or may not work, with a boy who may or may not love me? no. i mean wouldn't i fucking love to, but i can't let myself. i have to maintain the track i'm on. i'm trying to better myself, after all, & who can truly love someone who doesn't love herself? no man i know. & i want my love fucking real. i need it to be real. i need to feel it in my heart, soul, mind, knees, stomach, & everywhere in between. i need it to fill me up, & fuel my actions. i just need it to be fucking real. but isn't it always real? i mean i tell people all the time i love them, & i mean it. but what does that even really mean? maybe she's right, & i'll never be sure. but perhaps i will. everyone says "you just know", & i haven't yet decided whether or not i believe that, but.. i suppose it could be a comforting thought. does claire really know? did my parents really know? or did they just think they knew? or did they subconsciously know the whole time that it wasn't right & they weren't willing to admit it to themselves until the last straws? & what about all of the changes people go through in life? what if, as a species, scientifically, we aren't supposed to be monogamous for our whole lives? i mean, i still believe that i was meant to be with everyone i have been with, but is that also to say that i'll continue to meet men i'm meant to be with? how can i reassure myself that this is the one? & is my uncertainty by itself a huge red flag telling me right to my face that he isn't the one? then i come back to whether or not there really is a "one", or whether there are several ones. am i refusing to acknowledge to myself what i possibly already know deep down? am i willing to admit that i know that he isn't the one? why should i be so terrified of what i know, when all i'm complaining about is not knowing? what if i do know, & i won't let myself know that i know? oh my god, i'm just typing in circles. do i need to be with some other "meant-to-be"s before i can be sure that he's the last one? & who's to say my feelings are even real anyway? i mean, in fact, feelings aren't real. i mean, nothing is real. so what the fuck? what are you supposed to do with that information? i won't go down that road at present; it will lead me to too many more unanswerable questions. & i have enough of those on my plate already. okay, so life is what you make of it. & what have i made? nothing. maybe some art, some poetry, some people smile. but what have i really done? learned? i hate being aware of the meaninglessness of everything. i almost feel like ignorance might be bliss in that instance. the big problem i'm having is that i don't know what any of this means, or what i feel, or what is genuine. but the one thing i do know - that nobody knows anything - is the one thing i wish i didn't know. in a literal sense, all of my questions are impossible to answer, because there exist no true answers. for once, my typing all this out has done nothing whatsoever to comfort my aching heart. i long for fantasy, for romance, for a life i imagine. but i don't want to do any of the work it will take to create that life for myself. i'm not so willing to put in the immense time & effort it will inevitably take to have the things i so desire. so where does that leave me? exactly where i started. standing in the middle of a road, with endless directions to choose from. innumerable choices to be made. everything is uncertain & nothing makes sense, because nothing truly exists. i can try to go to work, go to school, go to bars, but what am i doing, really? & where am i going? & what good does any of it do me? i suppose it staves off the boredom. but if i can't trust what i think or how i feel, what is there left to help me take action? so should i just surrender unto myself? how can i pull myself up & out & into the world? & in deciding "what to do" for the rest of my life, will i ever be certain? will i ever be sure of anything, ever? maybe this is why i turn to drugs. i don't have these days as often when my brain is being regulated by outside factors. i'm only a few days off, so they haven't even cleared my system fully. it's about 7 PM now, & i think i've waited long enough to start drinking. i can't handle this circular thinking anymore for today. i need to be distracted. so that, once again, as always, i can avoid my problems, insecurities, uncertainties, & fill my time with meaningless, unrealistic fantasies until tomorrow, at which point the real world will interrupt my dreams again. is that all life is? avoidance? i'd like to think there's more, & i guess i know there is, but knowing nothing is real puts a damper on every event, even the ones that cause irresistible smiles, blushes, & giggles. it's easy to make wishes that will never come true. it's hard to force yourself to attempt to bring about the changes that could possibly create a desirable outcome. hopefully, someday soon, i'll decide that i'm tired of wishing, hoping, thinking, & praying, & i'll be ready to start doing. but i have a feeling it's not today.