starting now.

i have to figure this out. i have one moving out & i feel like i already have another moving in. i don't know if i'm ready for this. i need to be alone for a while. at least this one will be in missouri. but i still don't know if i can handle the attachment. & i don't know if i'm even interested in having any more attachments. & i don't want to string him along or lead him on, but i think i am anyway. i don't know how to stop. i don't want to lose him as a friend, but maybe there are just too many things that are different. like military beliefs & religious beliefs & the way that he's different when other people are around than when it's just the two of us. i mean i guess everyone is different around other people. & if we were actually together, i'm sure things would be different. i guess i've been clear about my worries & concerns & thoughts.. i just can't stop myself. it's like my feelings are more in control than i am. like kitty with menopause. i realize i am irrational & illogical & crazy, but that doesn't make it stop. i can think about it all i want, but nothing ever changes. & what about all these options? do i even want options? do i even want anything? i could hang out with people or go on dates i guess, but that just doesn't feel like the person i am. i don't go on dates! how can i do that? how does it work? i've been on like maybe 3 dates or something! & after one with each, i pretty much decided how i felt. does it always work that way? do you always just know? i've been in siberia for like 2 years. how am i supposed to come out of that & just start being like everyone else? like jen & kristin can date people, & jen can even kinda date several people. is that normal? i feel it's bad principle. i don't think it's right to date more than one person. it feels like polygamy almost. obviously it's not, & i don't have a problem with other good people engaging in polygamy if that's their choice, but.. it's not for me. i need only one. & who the fuck knows who it is? i guess dating is a way to find out. but it just worries me. like maybe i'm still too sheltered for that kinda thing. what if they kiss me? or what if they try to make a move? how am i gonna stop that? how am i gonna say no? maybe i can't do that yet. i certainly don't feel like i can. i've been with sean for 2 god damn years! & right out of high school! & as a superprude!!! how am i gonna just turn normal now? i can't! i'm just a freak! i don't know how these things work or what i want or what to be or anything! i need to figure this out. starting now.