okay, here i am.

i'm by myself. i changed my hair. i applied for college. i'm trying to step it up. i'm trying to cut back. let go. focus. don't stress. don't worry. eat. trying to be healthy. i want to write. i want to play. i want to sing & dance. 21 is coming soon, but what does it mean? the government is just telling me that they consider me to be old enough to decide whether or not to poison myself with alcohol. like what the fuck is that? who gives a shit? why do we place such stigmas on age? relative to romance, as well, what's normal? what's average? what's acceptable? who's to say? certainly not me. certainly not you. & certainly not any damn body else. what does it mean that an older person would want to date someone so much younger? how much younger is socially acceptable? who decides these things? why do we feel this way? is it fair of me to assume someone is too old for me? for someone to assume i'm too young for them? how much does age really matter? isn't it more about each different schema? maturity levels and experiences. but with experience comes.. what? knowledge? wisdom? maturity? sometimes. this is all just so confusing. how am i to find out? what is the worst possible outcome? heartbreak? no. been there, done that. so what is making me so analytically anxious? i'm not ready to put myself anywhere but inside my heart-shaped box. who am i to date anyway? i don't even know how. i'm so very new to all of this. is that what's appealing? i do not wish to be molded, in any way. i won't let that happen, will i? with my short history to offer, who am i to the rest? who do i appear to be? how is that relative to who i truly am? what do the two mean in contrast with each other? i am my own person, right? but who that person is... hell if i know. i need to align my talk with my walk. can one decide who to be? or can one only be who they are innately? is that nature vs. nurture? let's not start down that road. can men and women be only friends? can girlfriends have platonic male friends? when sex isn't on the table, is it possible? can sex ever really be off the table? am i presenting myself as a 21-year-old who's ready to go off and fuck everyone? everybody's doing it..? except me. No, thank you. but is that the message i'm sending? can i be assertive when it comes to sex? does that make me a tease? or a prude? or both? i'm back in high school again. except now it's been done. how does that change me? i feel like all i will ever have are questions with blank fill-in answers.