i look like shit & my hair's fucking ugly & work fucking sucks & it's gonna keep sucking & i can't sleep & i don't wanna eat & i just wanna smoke but cigarettes keep making me dizzy & i don't get my breaks because it's too fucking busy & everyone keeps complaining to me & i can't help them & i feel like i'm doing a shitty job at everything & i'm not pretty & i'm not that smart & everyone else makes me feel bad for working because they're all going to fucking college like they were supposed to & i'm just fucking working every god damn day & i have zits everywhere & my clothes are ugly & unprofessional & i may be getting bronchitis like everyone at work & i dunno if my immune system is any good anymore & i keep smoking & smoking & smoking so the doctors won't do anything for me anyway & i'm just so stressed out & my boyfriend LEFT ME & now i'm doing it all over again & how am i supposed to know he's not gonna just leave again & how am i supposed to know anything at all & how am i supposed to live when i don't know anything?!? i'm just so unhappy with so much but then i feel horrible for feeling unhappy when i have so much & i just shouldn't complain about anything because some people don't HAVE anything & so then i feel guilty & now i feel guilty but i feel like that all the time anyway & it's just a fucking carousel in my head & i never know what i'm gonna feel next cuz it's just around & around & up & down & around some more & so i never know what's gonna happen & i never know how to feel & could somebody just tell me PLEASE what i'm supposed to do?!? but nobody can. because it doesn't work that way. this is probably just because i'm working my seventh of nine closes in a row & that makes me tired & makes me not eat & like i said now i think i'm getting bronchitis & the not eating & not sleeping will make it take longer to go away but i just can't bring myself to do either one because i just don't fucking care & i don't know how the rest of you people can bring yourselves to eat & sleep like you're supposed to. or go to college like you're supposed to. or even just pass high school like you're supposed to. i hardly passed. which is ironic, because my whole life everyone kept telling me that i was so pretty & so smart & now i'm just at safeway, which is a contradiction in itself because it's a really good job but everybody makes me feel like it's really low & something that isn't worth much, but we handle your food, people! like talk about job security, everyone's gotta eat, right? but still it's looked upon as some low-end job, but guess what, bitches? i make $17 an hour working 40 hours a week & that's really good! & i'm only 19! so that's actually really REALLY good but then i feel so horrible about it a lot & like i should be doing something more productive or more whatever like going to nicaragua & helping the children which i really need to do & maybe that's why my life doesn't make any sense, because i was meant for better things than serving you rude people & telling you about our specials this week & refunding your stuff even though it's against the refund policy & selling lotto tickets which will never win & knowing everybody who comes to the damn grocery store because i feel like i live there & i see you people every day & i see you in your damn ties & suits & slutty little miniskirts & you look down on me but really i should be looking down on you! well nobody should be looking down on anyone, really, but it's human nature a little bit. so i guess that's it because now i have to go in for another day of refunds & lotto tickets & tuesday-to-tuesday specials & high out-of-stock counts & stupid training which takes hours & my normal day-to-day life which seems so mundane & stressful.
see? told you it wasn't worth reading.
& that's how i feel today.
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