they're killing my cat tomorrow.

i'm very upset about this.. i mean she's kind of mean & not very happy, i assume, but still.. she doesn't deserve to just die & then be replaced with a new model. plus i can't even get another one in her memory because sean's fucking allergic. i was gonna say i'm sorry for that but i'm not. i'm very angry. i just feel like we could've saved her. like i could've saved her. should've. but no, i was too busy & too distracted & too whatever to give her what she needed. what if i do this to my kids? what if i'm too busy & distracted & whatever to save them? what if i totally fuck them up & then they die too? i mean i won't put my kids down, but maybe they'll kill themselves or something because they never get what they need from me. maybe i'm not ready after all. i can't keep anything alive. first i kill my plants, now i'm killing my cat, what's next? maybe i'll kill sean before i even get the chance to have any kids. what the hell am i supposed to do? the best i can. i just don't feel like i did. i dunno if i ever feel like i've done the best i can. what if i never do? am i just lazy? procrastinatory? careless? worthless? fuck this.