& then i ended up rambling on about all of this.. then i sent a message to my friend instead of the comment.. then i figured i should post it on here since obviously i have a lot on my mind.. anyway.....
my tastes have changed so much.. right now i'm into anna nalick, moby, madeleine peyroux, ingrid michaelson, pink floyd, charlotte sometimes, the beatles, kings of leon, tegan & sara, the kooks, & the hush sound. lol at least that's what i found it important to download after i accidentally deleted all my former music. lol a lot of it reminds me of sean, so that's why.. i've been listening to much chiller stuff lately.. lol if you had asked me like.. before sean, & even a little during, i would've said my favorite band was seether, & i was really still into like the angry, angsty, lovely metal & alt-rock & the like, but then especially after he left, everything about me slowed & toned down.. omg the other day, one of my customers told me, "every time i see you now, you just look more & more conservative" & it was like the most hurtful thing i'd ever heard. i almost took offense. how sad, right? lol it made me realize though, that i feel like i've compromised a lot of who i thought i was. or maybe who i am is just changing so much that i'm NOT who i thought i was anymore, ya know? i've been thinking a lot lately about babies & parenting & growing up & maturing & turning 21 & planning my life & blah, blah, blah, & then about tattoos & piercings & everything i'm missing out on right now.. i feel like i've lost something important, that i really wanted. like tattoos & piercings & alternativity & being different used to be so important to me, & look at me now, i'm almost 20 & i still have none of those things i was so excited for! & i have no skills & no schooling & safeway is supposed to be this low-end job or something, but i could make a career out of this! i'm doing really well, & i'm making bank, & it makes me moderately happy i guess.. i just still FEEL like i'm in the interim, like i'm between jobs or something, but then i remember that i'm going nowhere! what am i gonna do with my life? am i gonna work at safeway forever & make a good career for myself there? how will i feel about telling people i'm a manager of a grocery store when they ask me what i do? i'm already embarrassed to tell them that now because everyone my age is going to school & seems to be making something of themselves & i'm just working 40 hours a week just like i have been since junior year! i barely passed high school, & i was supposed to be like valedictorian or something & get scholarships & do something better or more important than safeway. we were in honors together, for christ's sake! but what am i supposed to do? & my hair's brown & normal & i wear a white shirt & black pants & converse every day. i feel like i have no style anymore, & it's distressing me. do you feel that way ever? maybe it's just my time period. & i mean i literally never go anywhere except work so i don't really have a chance to wear anything but work clothes, but it's like.. UGH! i'm so frustrated. i seriously just work & sleep & that's all! what kind of life is that?!? i mean hopefully it'll get a bit better when i actually get into my apartment, but then i won't be able to do anything still because i'll have to furnish it & pay bills & keep working. the horrid hours don't help either, but.. still. i mean didn't we all expect me to be like.. individual & out there? my own person? i expected myself to know what i wanted & know where i stand & to act & look & feel like i think i'm supposed to. but i don't at all! is it surprising to you? "soon," i tell myself all the time. i'll get my style back when i have money, or when i get my promotion, or when i've been doing this a little longer, or when i get my own place, or whatever it is. i feel like i keep making excuses, ya know? i already have my promotion & i'm getting an apartment & i have a man & i'm pretty comfortable, job security wise, & it's like, what am i waiting for? why do i keep procrastinating my LIFE?!? it's very upsetting to me.. i don't know what to think anymore.. i just don't know who i am or where i'm going or even where i WANT to go or who i WANT to be! aahhhhh!!! :( does any of this make sense? maybe i shouldn't have sent all this craziness to you.. i should've just saved it for my blog. but i have to know whether i'm just the only crazy one or whether this existential, mid-teen crisis is normal or whether i've just lost my damn mind. nobody here understands & everybody has their damn opinions, but they're all too old for me to really want to hear what they have to say. i realize that may be an immature thing to say but i don't care. i want to know what YOU think cuz you're my age & you're not callous & you haven't yet lost complete faith in humanity & we're soul sisters & i feel like maybe you might actually have something to say other than, "sorry, kid, that's the way it is." ya know? oh goodness. am i rambling? am i making any sense? tell me please, if i've lost all my marbles?
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