i can do this.

so. i just don't know what i'm doing. contrary to before, i don't exactly feel like everything is falling apart, maybe i just feel like i'm falling behind. i did catch up a little bit at work tonight, & they did tell me not be overwhelmed or feel like i was in trouble. she said, "it's just what it is." so that means, i'm doing okay, but i need to step it up, right? i can't get that damn phrase out of my head lately. am i expecting too much from myself? no, because i can do anything i set my mind to, right? all i really need is for someone to assume i can't do it. that should light a fire under my ass. i'm so damn stubborn, i'd almost do anything to prove someone wrong over something like that. i do still wonder sometimes how much of the reason i stayed vegetarian is because dad assumed it was a phase, and that made me furious! just like when dad 2 assumed that i was cutting myself for attention, even though i had been doing it for like 2 years or something before they found out. at least a year before anyone found out. so what the fuck. ANYWAY, i wish i knew i could do this. i really don't. i'm really not sure. part of me wouldn't be surprised if i totally break down mid-holiday and ruin any progress i've made with the team. i just feel like i'm under a lot of pressure. well, i guess i'm used to that. floral was ALL pressure, ALL the time. that's why i cried like every day. so hey, at least i have killer amazing support here. and, obviously i'm not crying every day here, so that means i'm a still a step or three up from where i've been, and since i've been there, that means i survived, which means i can do this. it'll be a new challenge. to suck it up and play through the pain. ha, sports reference. well, i guess i could play through the pain on a bass clarinet. that can be painful. any reed instrument, in fact. okay, any instrument could hurt if you play it long enough. but i digress. my point is, that i can and will make it through the holidays. i mustn't cry, and i mustn't lose it. I HAVE TO EAT! or else i'll keep being useless, because my body is too exhausted to even let my brain use enough energy to think up plans and remember things and stay focused. SO. i guess that's the plan for that.
now as for these boys.. i just.. i just am so far out of my territory here. i just have to chill out. that's it. just chill out & stop worrying & stop planning & stop even thinking about them for the most part. i just don't have the time or energy to waste on this useless circle of thinking. seriously. it's like a huge program running in the background of a computer. whatever i'm really trying to do, on the forefront, gets suuuuper fuuuucking sloooow. i need to let it go. whatever is going to happen, is goooiiiing to happen. i certainly can't stop it, or change it. the decisions i make in each moment are what dictate my future. so those decisions are what i need to use my energy thinking about. i mean it, girl. forget the background noise, focus on the now. if i'm always worrying about tomorrow, i'm never really enjoying today. & then, what purpose have i? so. i'm going to let things happen. i'm going to think about my decisions. i'm going to focus on the now. i'm going to enjoy today, and then tomorrow too. i'm going to chill out. i can do this.