i guess the stigma is my own..?

so says my mother. & maybe she's right. maybe i've just placed this stigma on age because of those dumbasses i dated at safeway. admittedly, it was different than this, so why am i so worried about it? 18 years is very different than 8. or even 10. & what i did then was stupid and didn't make sense, but i had to go through it to get where i am. however, maybe i can still give up my mistaken feelings about it. it's okay to be cautious, but i'm cautious with everyone anyway. kristin told me to guard my heart & have fun. can i do that? maybe. i wish i could stop thinking about this & just let it play out. why do i always have to try to plan everything? it's a little obsessive. immediately i jump 5 or 10 years ahead, before the first date? it's not even really a date! well it kind of is. how different will he act? how different will i act? i've always thought he was a cool guy, but never really dateable. now that he's obviously dateable, how do i feel about him? do i have to know what i feel about him? should i even think about this, before i've gone out once with him? *sigh* all this obsessing is exhausting. maybe that's why i'm so tired all the time. i can't stop obsessively compulsively planning things in my head. lord have mercy. i don't even have a lord! how will i tell him if i'm not into him? how will things change if i am? i don't like all this eternal not knowing anything! it's intensely frustrating. not to mention that this obsession with age is nothing compared to the stigmas i put on sex! it's not even on the table & i'm still worrying about it! julio definitely said tonight that it would be "shady" to date more than one guy at once. i mean, but milly & my mother & jennifer all feel the opposite. & it shouldn't be, anyhow, if i'm not exclusive with anyone and i'm not messing around with any of them! can't i just go hang out with different guys to see how i like them? can't they hang out with me to see how they like me? are you supposed to do this when you're young? i'm still young, right? 21 is young. so what am i supposed to be doing right now if not finding out what i like, what i want, and how i'm gonna get it? i'm building skills here, people! i might even just up and ask beau out for coffee. maybe i'll wait til after tuesday, though. :P maybe i should just meet him there. i'm not really worried in my gut that i'll want to get out of it. milly warned me i'd be stuck if he picked me up, but i don't expect to have a bad time. at all. i'm actually kinda really excited. i think it will be fun! besides, it'll be nice to be able to talk to him without work being in the way. it's hard to believe we've only ever really talked while i've been working. we do have great conversations. i have to wonder why he'd want to see me, though, being 29 and very nice with no noticeable shortcomings. like.. especially after only having talked to me at work. i'm kind-of really a ditz and at safeway i even acted like a bit more of an airhead. plus, i was younger. is it the hot barely-legal thing? because i don't know how i feel about that, exactly, but it isn't good. i mean maybe it's just because i can carry on a conversation? i don't know. i might not wear the outfit i decided on, either. i'm thinking about the butterfly top instead. we'll see how i feel tuesday night. i just don't know for sure if i really feel that something with this one. but maybe i haven't even given him a real chance. *sigh* i need to go to bed.. if only i could shut up my head. also, i don't think that writing down everything i think is really a good way to practice writing. how could i possibly gain writing skills by writing almost stream-of-conscious stuff, with no capitalization, no attention to grammar or spelling, and with made-up words even? i wouldn't consider those to necessarily be writing skills. on some level, it maybe does help me a little bit. i suppose to work through things and such. but wouldn't i work through them in my head? what's the difference? maybe it's a focusing thing. like having to type specific ideas instead of just jumbling echoing thoughts makes me focus more and pay attention. and obviously, in a way, also to "remember" what i'm thinking, since i'm saving it. i don't know. whatever. i'm going to sleep. goodnight.