i wonder if i'll ever lose the part of me

that still considers suicide. it's been a while since i've been in that place, but sometimes it creeps up & surprises me. it's a different part than the one who cuts. & different than the one who starves. it's alone in its seriousness & alone in its thoughts. granted, at times both of the aforementioned parts do lead me into the suicidal one, but like i said, it's been a long time since i've been in that place.. i don't know if i want to go back. i don't know if i should let myself think about it. i don't know if i should keep myself from thinking about it. who decides what should & shouldn't be done anyway? maybe this is the natural course of things. maybe my brain just works this way. i feel like a functional loon or something. i mean, i will openly admit to self-mutilation, self-starvation, self-aggravation.. but no one has put me away. i'm maintaining a good job (mostly), paying my bills, doing normal things, i guess.. but there's this kind of sad undercurrent that's always been there, but has become more & more hidden as time has passed. it's difficult because everyone thinks i'm so happy. like a cute little ball of sunshine or something, but then inside i just feel like the same rotten individual i've always been. just because the scars on my arms have changed color doesn't make them disappear. losing all this weight doesn't make me any happier with my body, or change my eating habits. i suppose at least i don't have to worry much about obesity. but what about malnutrition? i don't cut anymore, but who's to say i won't start again? i mean, i don't feel like i would now, but.. sometimes.. sometimes, like i said, it creeps up on me. will i ever be free of these vices? that's like asking if i'll ever be free of my past, or my memories, or my life. like asking if i'll ever be free of my self. the answer is, obviously, no. but can you change who you are? you can't change the things that have happened to you, the things you've done, the things you've been through. i guess you just have to decide how to use them to shape who you become. choices. actions shape the future. so maybe the fact that i'm only thinking of these things instead of doing them means i'm choosing to shape my future that way. but will i ever escape the thoughts? they aren't nearly as bad as i remember them being before.. is it the medication? i would like to stop taking it.. maybe i'll wean myself off with this last bottle. i don't think i have any refills left anyway. what will happen then? will i lose my mind? will it slowly unravel? or will i just one day decide that i'm tired of thinking about suicide, & just do it? when it crosses my mind now, it doesn't feel as serious or as much of an option as it used to. but why not? i have no debt, i have no pets, i have no significant other. the team at work would be at a loss, i guess. & my family would suffer. maybe i don't realize how much they really would. i mean, now i think to myself, alex is so tired of me, she wouldn't truly mind. i've already moved out, so they've already kind of lost me.. jerrie & stephanie don't need me, i think i just provide them a little entertainment every once in a while. my dad would be sad. it would really hurt him. & my mom. it would really hurt her too. she'd blame herself. & that's not fair either. maybe these are the things that have kept me from taking the last step thus far. it doesn't feel fair to me that my decision about this should be so affected by everyone else's feelings, over my own. i feel like i put everyone else before myself every damn day. shouldn't my suicide be MY damn choice? based on my own damn feelings? it just sucks. maybe that's why they finally do it. they decide that for once they're going to choose according to their own feelings without worrying about everybody else. i don't know if i could ever do that. & maybe cutting doesn't occur to me seriously anymore because it isn't good enough. it's only a very temporary fix for something that feels very non-temporary. i know this from experience. a real suicide is not a temporary fix at all. in fact, it's a very very permanent action. there's no coming back. unless i'm reincarnated, which would just be fucking awesome. to never ever be free of this bullshit. ugh. just a different life with different bullshit. i'm tired of thinking about this depressing circle of depression. whatever.