who to be..

it's a difficult decision. they tell me i need to see myself as a leader. but i'm not one. i don't really even want to be one. that's not who i am. i don't like telling people what to do. what do i like about leadership? i'm okay with responsibility. i'm dependable and nice and fair. but maybe i don't wanna be a leader. i've never been that kind of girl. i'm a follower. i do what i'm told, and i do it as well as i can. but is that enough? am i okay with that? besides, right now i'm being told to be a leader. will i do that? can i? i don't even know if i'm capable. i've been in a so-called leadership role for like the past 2 years. how has it worked out for me? it hasn't. maybe i should step down and just be a cashier. but i can't afford another fucking pay cut. i just can't. i can barely afford where i am right now. if i lose even another dollar an hour, i don't know if i could handle it. maybe it is time to move. but isn't that running away? going to a different store won't make me any better a leader. if i maybe transfer to a different store as a cashier, and then go to school. but what for? WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY FUCKING LIFE? i can't stay here forever. won't. i refuse to remain in retail for the rest of my life. but how much of my life am i willing to spend there? is all this really beneficial for me? i'm being pushed in a certain direction. how do i know that's the way i wanna go? well, obviously it isn't, since i'm putting up such a fight. but would it be so bad to learn new skills? is leadership a skill? i wouldn't consider it one. at least not one i'm dying to have a hold on. fuck leadership. it's not my place. it's not what i want. so why am i here? fucking money. and because i knew i was worth more than just bagging people's groceries and pushing carts. then i was worth more than selling lotto tickets and money orders. then i was worth more than safeway. now, am i worth more than whole foods? do i think i'm too good for them? no. just not right. this just isn't what i want for my life. the company has good values, ish, but it's still a company. still a corporation. but anywhere i go, that's where i'll be, right? so should i just accept that i at least work for a slightly-better-than-the-competition corporation? still not okay with me. i hate what they're doing to our country. corporations, that is. not that they're alone. everyone's fucking us all over and we're letting them. because what the fuck are we gonna do about it? absolutely nothing. we all need money to live. and we'll do almost anything to keep it coming. like me. i'll go in for my next shift, bottle up everything i'm feeling, put on the fakest smile and attitude anyone's ever seen, and then i'll probably have to hear about how fake i'm being and how they need me to be real happy. with a real positive attitude. i just feel like nothing will ever be good enough, because this isn't what i'm meant to do. if only i could figure the fuck out what i am supposed to do. how can i make a decision to leave here, leave everything i've worked for, if i don't know where i'm going to go, or what to work for next? but how can i keep playing along when i know this isn't what i want? friend, i know you're reading this.. and you know who you are, because you're the only one who reads my stupid blog. how do you do it? can you fake it every day? how can you hold onto who you are, in the midst of showing basically the whole rest of the world who you're not? you have a few years' experience on me. how have you held it together? do you feel the way i feel?