sometimes everything just sucks.

& i try to fix it. i try to be all gung-ho about it, too. i get all excited & worked up & positive. & then everything still sucks. so i get depressed. start thinking very low. like the lowest C on a flute, low. i think all manner of crazy, upsetting things. meanwhile, everything still sucks. maybe even more than before. so, then i get tired. i get exhausted, because, might i say, depression is quite tiresome. & putting on a phony face every day is horribly draining. i get so tired it becomes work to breathe & extra work to smile & make conversation. obviously, everything still sucking. usually i have to hit some bottom before i decide once again to shape up or ship out. i tell myself, "Self, this is your damn life, & it ain't gettin' any easier, & nobody's gonna fix it for you." i remember that i'm the only one who makes choices in my life. i'm the only one in control of myself. (right?) i'm the one standing in the way of my own damn happiness. because i can't let myself be happy? am i really choosing to be unhappy? in a way, definitely yes: my actions are what causes my moods, right? i choose not to eat, i choose not to take any medication, i choose to do all this negative to my body, so what do i expect to happen? well, i expect to be happy anyway, for some reason. but is that logical? or even possible? i can't help but feel like i'm losing my true self by continuing to try to change myself. but maybe i'm just losing my old self. which could be good, right? but how can you keep those selves in tact? i guess i'm worried that if i make too many changes, i'll become somebody i don't want to be, & be lost. but then, do i really want to be who i am now? do i want to be who i've been? a resounding No. so, then? what the fuck? i guess i'm just confused. like usual. will i ever not be confused?