i feel like

i'm falling apart. like i almost have to hug myself to keep all my parts together. i can't bring myself out of bed before noon, unless i have to get up for work. there's a party tonight that i think i wanted to go to, but now i just feel like they can't possibly want me there. they never want to do anything else with me outside of work, so why this time? she told me i'm the only one who hasn't realized i'm a leader yet. & she told me i need to get confident, because that's what's stopping me. but how the fuck can a person just GET confidence? that's not the way it works! i can't just pull it out of my ass. & i can pretend all i want, but that isn't helping anyone. i'm starting to drift down the suicidal river again, and i don't know how much strength i have left to start rowing backwards. sometimes i feel like i just want to be 21. maybe because i never got to be my age before, and now it's caught up with me. 21 year olds don't work in supervisory roles, telling people what to do and drowning in responsibilities. they work normal jobs, they're poor, and they figure out who they are and what to do with their lives. but i can't focus one second on my life because i'm too stressed about work. i need art and music and education, none of which i'm properly receiving right now. & i need to be able to breathe. & not do drugs or drink. i need to be able to eat and sleep and make myself get out of bed when i should be done sleeping. but i can't. i can't seem to do any of those things. maybe i'm just not strong enough to be a whole person. maybe i'm just one of those people who has to focus all their energy on work and forget about themselves. but then where will that leave me? horribly unhappy, like i am now. i can't even blame this on that monthly womanly bullshit, either. i swear, i feel like they have ruined all of my days off since i got those bad reviews. it's all i can think about when i'm not working; how shitty a job i'm doing and how it's ruining my life. i wanted to work at this store because i thought it'd be better than my last experience. in ways it is and in ways it's worse. they keep telling me i can do it, but whenever they say it, i just feel like it's a load of bullshit and there's no possible way. she said i can't let myself get in the way of it, like my thinking i can't do it is what's making me not be able to do it. she asked if i was ready to give up. but it's not giving up, it's just accepting the reality that i cannot do this job at this time. i really don't think i can. but if i lose this money, will i be able to afford to live? i have to move anyway, but my lease isn't up until june. i can't pay 815 a month for rent without making the money i make now. i can BARELY pay it at this pay rate. so what am i supposed to do? keep sucking it up, taking the bullshit, drugging my body so i can stop thinking, staying up superlate so i can sleep, staying in bed until the last second before i need to get up, crying about how i've fucked my life? i need to go to the doctor. but i don't have money for the doctor, i barely have money to support myself. and the first thing that gets cut when i'm saving money is food. so i have to stop eating so much. and no shopping whatsoever. but i continue to make poorer and poorer decisions. maybe i should get a second job, just in case. but then i'll never sleep, never eat, never have any time for anything except work. which isn't SO different from now. now i have time for other things, but i don't utilize it for anything but feeling sorry for myself and hating the state i'm in. sometimes i wish i didn't have a family, so i wouldn't have to feel guilty about ending it. they're the only thing keeping me here. otherwise, i feel like i would've been gone long ago. and what would i have missed? not much. i am in no state to go to a party and surround myself with the people who don't really know me and don't really want to. and who would want to anyway? all i am is a sack of lies and fakeness and i don't even know who i really am. who i want to be. because i don't want to be anybody, i just want to fade away. and i'm still attempting that last, as i have been for years. if i keep starving, keep drugging, keep sleeping, maybe eventually i will fade away and no one will see me anymore. and what lie will i make up to avoid going out tonight? sorry, kristi can't come to the phone right now, she's drowning herself in her own misery. yeah, pretty pathetic, huh? why can't i seem to find real joy in anything? everything comes at a price. my moods shift like the weather in colorado. four seasons in one day. it happens. maybe i really should be medicated. i've been off for, what, like 2 months, maybe? was i happier before? what about the other factors? is being alone causing a strain? at least my parents are close by, in case i lose everything. but that's not fair. why can't i just be a capable woman? and why should this random customer give me the time of day? i am absolutely a mental case. i should be institutionalized. he shouldn't want anything to do with me. probably he doesn't, anyway. and what would i show him, were he to actually be interested? hi, i'm kristi, i work at WFM, for now, until i get fired for doing a horrid job, i don't know what i'm doing with my life, i have no direction, no drive, no motivation, and no true happiness. want to start a relationship? rachael said i can't wait for everything to be perfect, because it'll never happen. which is true, but am i really in a good place right now to share myself with someone? because that still means for me that i ignore myself and switch my focus. but i'm still unhappy. and who wants to be around a downer all the time? no one. that's probably half the reason sean left me. fucking twice. i wouldn't want to live with me either. i can hardly blame him. and brendan, why would he want to keep talking to me when i'm like this? i can't blame any of them for leaving me. what's the common denominator in these situations? it's not the guys, it's me. me and my load of problems that i carry on my shoulders. i just can't seem to find any joy.. i'm getting too depressed to type. i'll end this now and just keep thinking in circles. actually, more likely i'll do some drugs and drink some wine so i can stop thinking about all this in such a destructive way. then i must force myself to go to the bank. and interact with the public. which, somehow, is not my strong suit when i am not at work. so goodbye for now. i'm glad i have somewhere to complain without comment or judgment. oh! hey, look there, i just found a tiny bit of joy. that's a step, right?